Our Newest Backyard Resident

So, yesterday we were out grilling in the yard, and I saw this huge spiderweb built between our fence and some plants.  It was one of those big Charlotte's Web-type things... about 3 feet wide, maybe.  It basically looked kind of like this:

I looked up the spider from Charlotte's Web, and it actually is in the same family as the spider in my yard... I will check each day for special messages from the spider... 

I got closer to take a look, and what was resting in the middle but this guy:

His body was almost the size of a dime, and his legs were long and creepy.  He was just sitting there in the middle, waiting for his prey to fall in his trap.  I say "he" even though I'm almost positive this is a female spider, and I am even more positive that she is going to hatch a billion eggs in my yard and fill my garden with her progeny.

Needless to say, I freaked out when I saw this thing.  I do NOT like creepy-crawlies, evidenced by the fact that I made an entire post about the worst creepy-crawlies.  I get this involuntary shudder in my body, and my gag reflex wants to kick in.  They gross me out.  Just thinking about it right now is making me kind of nervous.  

I was too afraid to kill the spider, as it was sitting on this huge web... and I was convinced that if I tried to kill it, it would fall off the web, and it might scurry into my house.  This was my line of thinking.  A "known" creepy-crawly is much less scary than an unknown one.  One sitting in its web in the plants:  safety.  One on the loose, possibly crawling in my bed:  scary.

So, I decided to look up what this nasty spider was.  I found out that it is a marbled orb weaver spider.  It is not aggressive to humans, though if it does bite you, it feels like a bee sting and won't really hurt you.  So, I decided to spare its life, mostly for the aforementioned reason that I didn't want to free it from its web and have it be on the loose.  I don't care how "safe" it is to humans, that thing is NOT crawling on me.  Plus, I am really weird about killing large bugs.  Small bugs are easy.  You just swat them with something and *poof* gone.  Large bugs are more resilient and "crunchier".  The crunching really grosses me out.  When I get a particularly large house centipede, it crunches when I kill it, and the sound makes me gag.  The worst crunchy creepy crawly in memory is this huge millipede that I saw crawling on our basement floor when I was down there using the computer in high school (seriously, it was like... 6 inches long and almost an inch wide).  It was like 1am, so I couldn't wake anyone up to come kill it.  So, I grabbed my dad's shoe and hit it.  And it didn't even crack its body armor!  I had to hit it like 5 or 6 times, and it was this huge gooey, crunchy mess.  Wow, it was nasty.  I would like to avoid repeating that experience for the rest of my life, if possible.

So, for now, Mr. Orb Weaver has a free pass to continue lording over my backyard with his giant web of death.  I think I shall call him Orby for short.  I read about someone who killed a mosquito and threw it on the spider's web, and she quickly consumed it.  I am anxious to try this with Orby... if he does not decide to relocate his web.  I will embrace his presence in my yard, as long as he stays on his web and doesn't try to infiltrate the house.  I guess, for the time being, I have a gigantic pet spider.  Yuck.  

Keep your friends close...




UPDATE:  Picture of the REAL Orby!  (or at least his underside... he won't face the camera, lol)

If I ran the world...

If I ran the world, I can think of a number of things I would do.  I decided to limit this list to 20 items, as I believe all lists should be nice, round numbers.  And, it is really unrealistic to believe anyone would read a list of more than 20 things.  Honestly, I figure most people read a 20-item list in multiple sittings.  Who has the attention span for a list this long?  Not I.  It took me 4 sittings just to write the dang thing.  As I thought of more things, I added on.  For everyone's benefit, I cut myself off at 20.  I reserve the right to make an entirely new post of additional items in the future.  These are just the first twenty to pop in my head... enjoy.
________________________________________________________________

1.  There would be no handles on doors that you are supposed to PUSH.  The necessity for this edict was confirmed by another attorney at the courthouse the other day.  They have a door there that has a big handle on it, but you push it open.  He grabbed the handle, shook the door, and told the clerk, "One day I'm going to come up here and take this damn handle off the door!"  I think this every time I go to my bank and pull the door handle and look like a doofus.

2.  $1 would be deducted from the price of a doctor's visit for every minute you have to sit in the waiting room past your appointment time.  If I want medical attention, I am simply at the mercy of my doctor's time management skills?  I call that extortion.

3.  Every street would have a bike lane so I wouldn't have to drive slowly behind cyclists until I can find room to go around.  Don't even get me started on cyclists following traffic laws...

4.  QT crushed ice would be the standard ice for every food and drink establishment.  Everyone knows it is the best kind of ice... why can't anyone else make it?  What DO they do to their ice to make it so soft and crunchable?

5.  It would be illegal to shut down more than one lane of an intersection at one time.  Reducing a 5-lane interstate down to 2 lanes is just asking for all kinds of badness and stupidity.

6.  If your flight got delayed more than 30 minutes for something other than weather conditions, your flight would be free... like with pizza delivery.  I understand that there are many reasons out of an airline's control that may be responsible for delayed flights.  I also understand the pizza guy might hit traffic.  Guess he'll leave earlier next time!

7.  The paperback version of a book would come out at the same time as the hardcover.  None of this "if you want to read the next book in the series right away, you must submit yourself to highway robbery" stuff.  I refuse to pay more than $10 for a book.  Unless it's a new Harry Potter...

8.  Movie theaters would have "adults only" days with no children allowed.  No, I am not against children.  I love kids.  I am simply against the effect children have on my viewing experience.  When I have my own children, I will not take them to anything but G and PG movies until they are in junior high, I pinkie swear it.

9.  Heck, everything would have "adults only" days.  We went to an "adults-only" resort for vacation this year.  I used to think "adults-only" meant topless sunbathing.  It actually means a completely relaxing, quiet vacation full of uninterrupted bliss.  I can only imagine the benefits of implementing the concept in other facets of life....  I will say it again; I do not hate kids.  I think even my parent friends can agree that there are just some times when kid-free is better...

10.  No restaurants or coffee shops would close before 7pm.  I can think of more than 5 places within walking distance of my house that close after lunch.  Not cool.  I love nothing more than walking to the sandwich shop to pick up some dinner at 6, only to find out they close at 4.  Who closes a sandwich place at 4!?

11.  The zoo would be open until sundown.  Seriously, why can't I go to the zoo on a weeknight?!  Do the animals go to bed at 5:00?

12.  Stoplights would be timed appropriately.  No more hitting every stoplight on a major road.  I have two stoplights on my 8 block drive to work every morning.  They are timed perfectly so that when one turns green, the next one turns red right before you get to it.  Yes, I know 8 blocks is close enough to walk.  You walk in heels in 95 degrees.

13.  I would "work from home" every day.  I am not ashamed to admit that I am incredibly jealous of people who can work from home and actually think evil thoughts about them in my head when I see their Facebook status say "Working from home today ;)."  One day, I will have a job where I can work from home, and I will never post about it on Facebook.  That's called "empathy."

14.  I would not let wealthy people compete on shows that award prize money, unless they are playing for charity.  Who wants to root for a millionaire to win another million dollars?  Not I!

15.  I would bring back "exile" as a common form of punishment.  Not sure where I would exile people to... maybe fence in part of Russia or something.  I had to write a paper in a political theory class about what I thought the US should do with Saddam Hussein if they captured him (this was before we actually did, obviously), based on the texts we read in class.  I chose exile.  I won't go into my brilliant in-depth analysis of political theory that led me to that conclusion, but let's just say, it was the perfect punishment.  Bring it back!

16.  Cell phones would get reception at my parents' house.  You can go one mile in almost any direction from my parents' house and get perfect reception.  They live on a HILL.  Why can't you get cell phone reception there?  If you look at a cell phone reception map, I can point to the exact location of my parents' house because there is a tiny hole in the coverage right where they live.  When I go to their house, it's like I cease to exist to the rest of the world.  Which is not always a good thing.

17.  My title would be Supreme Overlord.  If that's a reference to something, I don't know what it is.  I just like the name and believe it fitting for the ruler of the world.  If it is a reference to something evil, I kind of apologize.  If it is a reference to something awesome, I knew it! 

18.  There would be "retirement communities" or "assisted-living facilities" for all ages.  I hear senior citizens talk about their communities, and I am genuinely jealous.  When I tell them that I wish I could live there, they kind of laugh at me.  But, I am totally serious!  I want someone to clean my apartment.  I wish someone cooked all my meals for me.  I wish I had country-club-style amenities at my doorstep.  These things are not just for the retired and elderly!  I could make an argument that working young people could benefit even more from these services than retired people.  This is my million-dollar idea, people!  "Active living communities" for all ages!  If you steal my idea, I will know.  Any backers?

19.  Routine check-ups would actually check you for things that may be wrong with you, instead of just telling you that your heart is beating and how much you weigh.  Maybe we could implement full-body scans for everyone!  I know these are supposedly costly, but I would be interested to know if giving everyone full-body scans and detecting problems early would cost less than not doing it and finding problems way late, thus incurring more costs in treatment.  Regardless, I would at least like a full body scan.  I am a hypochondriac.  I should check if my insurance would cover such a thing...

20.  Coins would no longer exist.  I am sick of my wallet being heavy because it's filled with change.  Why do we even have cash anymore?  How hard can it be to tie everyone's fingerprints to their bank accounts.  This would have a two-fold benefit.  People would always have money at their fingertips (pun-ny), and thefts would decrease exponentially.  Though, I guess the number of dismemberments may increase...

Too Fast to Live, Too Young to Die.

Before I get started with this post, I am issuing a general disclaimer upfront that this post is nothing like my usual lighthearted posts and is simply something weighing on my mind. 
_________________________________________________________________


The title of today's blog is the quote that was on a t-shirt that I gave my little brother for his 16th birthday.  About two months after I gave him that t-shirt, he was killed in a car accident.  I remember feeling sick to my stomach thinking about  having given him that t-shirt... like I had been tempting fate in some way.  But, when my mom and I went through his stuff to pick out the "things" of his that we wanted to keep, that t-shirt was the one item of clothing that I felt I needed to hold on to.  Kind of a contradiction that the one thing that made me feel so disgusted was the one thing I wanted to keep.  But, the truth was, it was the last gift I had given him, and he had absolutely loved it.  It was totally "him" and I knew it was something that would forever remind me of who he was and the time we had together.

With that little explanation out of the way, there are two reasons that my brother is weighing on my mind, and one of them helped me decide to write this blog entry to get it off my chest.

Reason 1:  Monday night, an acquaintance of mine asked if I had any siblings.  I hesitated for a second, and then I said "No, it's just me."  I regretted my response and felt guilty immediately after I said it, and I started thinking of some way to tell her the truth the next time I saw her.  What would I say?  "You know how I said I had no siblings... yeah, that was a lie."  How ridiculous would that sound?  Who lies about that?  Me, that's who.  The truth is, I have always struggled and still struggle with what to say when people ask me that question.  I told my husband about it, and asked him what I should say.  He said "Say you have a brother, but he died."  I told him, "Do you know how terrible that sounds?!"  Seriously, when you tell someone something like that, people get this look on their face.  They automatically feel sorry for you and don't know what to say.  It's awkward for everyone, and frankly, I hate feeling like people feel sorry for me.  I hate feeling pitied.  Especially by people who barely know me and who definitely didn't know my brother.  And, then to have to say the obligatory "Oh, thanks" or "It's okay... it was a long time ago."  I just hate it.

I seriously rehearse scenarios in my head of what to say when someone asks me if I have a sibling, and I weigh the pros and cons of each.  Obviously, the easiest, least-explanation route is to say "No."  Then, comes the guilt trip about not recognizing my brother's existence and his importance in my life, which comes every time I use that explanation (like Monday night).  Sometimes I just say that "Yes, I have a brother."  But, then when people ask about him, I have to inevitably explain, which can sometimes be even worse after they know you have a brother... having to then explain that he's deceased.  And, of course, sometimes I say "My brother died when I was in college."  I'd say it's a pretty even split between how often I use the three explanations.  It's been over 6 years since he died, and I still cannot for the life of me figure out how to explain it to people.  Maybe I'll never figure it out.  Life is a game of trial and error, but sometimes it feels like it's just too filled with both...

Reason 2:  Well, Reason 2 is the reason I'm here writing about Reason 1.  Today, I came to my blog because I have been so busy lately I haven't had time to write an entry, and I finally had a free moment to start a new post.  I signed in, and I saw my page view count.  It read: 555 views.  555.  05-05-05.  That was the day of my brother's funeral.  I will always remember that day because I thought it was so fitting for my brother.  That number is something that gave me peace of mind, that helped me believe that there was a reason and a plan for my brother's life... and his death.  You see, many people who knew my brother would know that he had a fascination with numbers.  His favorite time of the day was 11:11 because it was "all ones!"  He would always point out repeating patterns like that.  When I saw the date printed on his funeral program, the pattern hit me.  And, I thought, how fitting.  It could have felt a little like a cosmic joke, but instead, it gave me comfort.  It made me feel like it was just "meant to be."  Regardless of how painful it was and how unfair it felt... at that moment, I accepted it.


And, today, seeing that number, I again felt that moment of acceptance.  Accepting that as much as I don't want to admit it, I still struggle... I still feel that loss.  I can still feel it hovering under the surface.  Sometimes I can't remember what his voice sounded like, and I feel that sense of panic.  Sometimes I can't remember what my life was like with him in it, and it makes me want to cry.  I curse my mind for not being able to hold on to him better, for not locking all of those memories away somewhere safe, where they can never leave.  I wish he was still here every day.  Every day.

I guess sometimes it's just hard to match the outside with the in... to find a balance between what you feel and what you show the world.  I don't want to feel pitied, but I also don't want to ignore this person who was and is such a big part of my life and who I am.  I suppose all that anyone can ever do is take it day by day.  And, I'm working on it...

I feel like I owe "The Hills" an apology...

To "The Hills" and all other fake reality shows out there:  I'm sorry.

I watched The Hills once... yes, once.  It was so terrible, I couldn't bring myself to watch another episode.  I understand that it was terrible in a must-see-tv kind of way, but still, it was just one bandwagon I never jumped on.  Now, NYC Prep - that was an awesome guilty pleasure reality show.  That show was so ridiculous, I laughed insanely at every episode.  I still don't know if it was supposed to be funny...  But, back to The Hills.  I didn't like it because it didn't seem at all like reality.  It was so staged, it made it difficult to watch as "reality" television.  And, after hearing the stars discussing how they reenacted scenes and made certain occurrences more dramatic for taping, I decided I was happy with my decision to forgo that particular reality show.  And, really, all other "reality" shows that aren't real.  I thought, that's not reality.  How can you call it a reality show when it's not real?!


I made the assumption, however, that a reality show would be improved by actually reflecting reality.  I assumed that people wanted to see "reality"... that I wanted to see reality.  I wanted real reality.

Well, tonight, I saw a real reality show, and it was terrible.  Absolutely terrible!

The show was Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition.  Now, the show itself isn't completely "real", to be sure.  They say the guy stays with the people for 3 months and lives with them... I don't believe it.  They don't really mention the fact that they pay for the contestants' healthy food for the year-long show.  They dump all these resources in the person's lap and help them lose weight at an unnatural pace.  Now, it's more realistic than The Biggest Loser, but still, it skirted the delicate balance between reality and tv production pretty well.  I admit that I enjoyed watching someone lose 200 pounds over the course of a one-hour TV show.  I loved seeing the people emerge at their reveal and show that happy ever after.  In reality, it's incredibly difficult to lose weight as quickly and as successfully as these people do, but it's inspiring to see it happen... and America loves a good success story.  We love rooting for the underdog... overcoming obstacles, persevering, accomplishing their goals.  It makes us feel good inside to see it happen.

You know what doesn't make you feel good inside?  Seeing the underdog fail.  This week's episode of Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition featured a 490 pound man.  In the first 3 months, the guy lost 110 pounds, putting him at 380 pounds.  Yay!  Go, guy, go!  We love to see that.  In the second 3 months, he struggled and only lost 20 pounds, putting him at 360.  But, still, positive progress... struggling to overcome obstacles... just enough reality sprinkled in to make it relate-able to viewers.  Over the next three months... the guy gained back over 60 pounds.  He was eating fast food every day, not working out, sneaking around behind his wife's back to cheat on his diet, not sticking to the program... and he even admitted he had become suicidal because he felt worthless and felt like a failure at everything he did.  So, the trainer on the show decided he was beyond his help because he was so addicted to food... and the trainer took him to a food addict rehab facility and left.  That was the end.  No reveal, no weight loss story, just a guy losing weight, then gaining most of it back because he was addicted to food.

At first, I kind of thought... hmm, well, I guess they can't have every episode be a big successful weight loss story.  Then, I was kind of mad that I didn't get to see what I tuned into the show to see.  It's called Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition.  There was barely any weight loss, and there was definitely no extreme makeover!  I told Steve that this would be like Extreme Makeover: Home Edition saying "Sorry poor people, we're not building you a house, after all!"  Can you imagine Extreme Makeover: Home Edition with no house?!  No, because it's ridiculous!  (After reading this out loud to Steve, his comical reaction:  "Move that bus!  No, don't move that bus!  Because there's no house!")

This made me decide that I don't actually want reality in my reality shows.  Is it realistic that someone who is morbidly obese turns right back to their old ways the second they aren't being monitored, and gains the weight back?  Yes, that is totally realistic.  But it's terrible television!  No one wants to see a suicidal, depressed, food addict on these kinds of shows.  They want to see someone overcoming the death of their father and losing 200 pounds and going from zero to hero in an hour flat!  These shows are supposed to be inspirational!

It's just like how everyone got so mad when The Bachelor turned down both of his choices.  Is it realistic that a person will not find love among 20 preselected contestants over the course of 8 weeks?  Yes.  But, again, no one wants to see that!  They want to see the love, even if it's a sham.  It's the same reason women on Survivor now are given toiletries to shave their legs and armpits.  No one wants to see women's hairy legs on TV every week, no matter how realistic.

So, I feel like I have to apologize to The Hills.  Even though, I still think it was a terrible TV show, I admit that I can no longer discount it for its lack of reality.  I think I always knew that the general public didn't want to see actual reality... but I never suspected that I didn't want to see actual reality.  I thought what would improve reality television, what would make me like it, and what it really lacked, was "reality"... but, I guess it must be something else...

27 Holidays

Well, my birthday was this weekend.  And, I was true to my word and spent it almost exactly as I said I would.  It was a pretty ordinary day, with just enough special touches to recognize the "occasion."  I went to the gym Saturday morning, like usual.  Then, we went out to eat, and I got my crab legs just like I wanted.  We then picked up ridiculously huge cupcakes, some champagne, and a Redbox movie.  After watching the movie, I did laundry and played my new Harry Potter Wii game (I turned 27, not 12, incidentally...).  My birthday "celebration" ended the next day, on Sunday night, when I went to see The Little Mermaid musical at the local theater with my mom, aunt, and cousin (again, I swear, 27!).  This weekend was just as ordinary as it was "special," and you know what?  I enjoyed it!  I also enjoyed getting carded at the grocery store... which, sadly, hasn't happened in a while.

Some people kind of "apologized" to me for how I was spending my birthday, or thought I was complaining when I explained what I was doing.  I was like, "No, this is actually what I want to do!"  It's the same thing with our anniversary.  Steve told someone at work that we were going to see Harry Potter for our anniversary.  She told him he needed to buy me diamonds.  He had to explain to her that I really wanted to go see Harry Potter and didn't want diamonds.  I don't think she believed him, still.  What is so hard to believe, really?

I think I just have no special attachment to holidays... except Christmas... I love Christmas.  Other holidays?  I don't really care to celebrate anything but Thanksgiving... and I don't care about doing it on Thanksgiving.  I just really like stuffing.  I could live without New Year's, Valentine's Day, Easter, Independence Day, Halloween, and whatever other holidays people celebrate.  I stopped celebrating Halloween the moment my mother agreed I didn't have to go trick-or-treating anymore.  I begged to stay home and hand out candy.  So, in 6th grade, I got my wish.  And, I've never dressed up again since.  I also ask Steve not to get me anything for Valentine's Day.  More than once, my only Valentine's Day request has been to eat at Chipotle.  I'm a romantic, what can I say?

I'd love to say that the reason I don't like holidays is because of the commercialization by corporate America, or that it's against my religion, or some other equally lofty excuse.  Alas, the only thing I can come up with is that I must just not care.  I really don't understand the fun of Halloween, the romance of Valentine's Day, or the concept of celebrating the first day of the year on a calendar we invented.  I am Christian and understand the importance of Easter, but, again, it's just an arbitrary day.  No one is really in agreement as to when the "actual" date was, and I figure I celebrate the Resurrection through my faith every day.  I'm fine with a special church service, but I don't need Easter candy, a card, or a big meal on that particular Sunday.  I am also American and understand the significance of celebrating our independence.  I just think it's kind of become an excuse to barbecue and watch fireworks (both things that I enjoy).  I have no attachment to doing those things on that particular day, except that it's what I've always done.  I feel like I'm celebrating our independence every day simply by doing the things I want to do.  That's what independence is all about, right?  I feel no more patriotic on July 4 than any other day of the year, so why should I have to pretend?

I will say that I dislike "recognition" days, like Mother's Day, Father's Day, Grandparent's Day, and such.... simply because I really feel like these are made-up holidays.  If someone is important enough for their own "day", you should probably be recognizing them all the time in some way.  I argue that designating a "day" for recognition gives you an excuse to not recognize them the rest of the year; just save it all for the one day.  It's like... "Oh, Mom, I guess I should do nice things for you today because it's Mother's Day."  When it should be more like... "Oh, Mom, I do nice things for you on a regular basis because I love and appreciate you every day."  And, just remember, every holiday we create probably inches the divorce rate up a bit... the more holidays you have, the more you have for a spouse to forget, and for the other spouse to feel unappreciated or resentful.  Also, family gatherings can cause a lot of stress and drama, and bring up deep-rooted, recurring intrafamily issues.  Those all sound like pretty good excuses reasons to dislike "made-up" holidays to me.

I am, however, all for any holiday that causes me to get a day off of work.  It doesn't mean I have to actually celebrate it or like celebrating it... I am still happy those holidays exist.  But, any holiday that the government gets off, but I don't... I hate those holidays.  I get off work = love.  Courthouse closed, but I'm still at work = hate.  These holidays include Martin Luther King Jr. Day, Lincoln's Birthday, Washington's Birthday, Truman's Birthday, Columbus Day, Veteran's Day.  Yes, I looked these up on the Missouri courts website; so what?  It never fails that I go down to the county courthouse on one of these days to file something, and the stupid thing is closed.  Then, I have wasted a trip and gotten irritated by the fact that there are people who get off work that day.  I tell myself that all of the court employees hate their jobs, and that makes me feel a little better.  Until I realize that means they are enjoying that day off all the more because they hate their jobs.  Then, bitterness resurfaces.  It's a sad day when I am envious of the court employees.  (No offense to the court employees who love their jobs... I'm sure you exist.  Like narwhals... I never knew they were real, either!)

Seriously?  These exist?  I still barely believe it.