Six Years of Marriage

Yep, that's right.  Today is Steve and I's sixth wedding anniversary.  After six years, I feel like I am quite the marriage expert.  I mean, heck, we've probably lasted longer than a lot of normal marriages, and 90% of Hollywood marriages!  Keeping with my grand blog tradition of list-making, here are some things I've learned about marriage:

1.  You have to work to make your marriage work.  No, I don't mean you have to have a job.  I have nothing against housewives/husbands (is that a PC term anymore?  I don't feel like I can call it anything without offending someone).  I mean, you have to put work into your marriage to make it work.  I think the divorce rate can be explained by a lot of things, but I would imagine that one of the biggest misconceptions that leads to divorce is that marriage is supposed to be easy.  I think a lot of people figure that if you are in the right marriage, it will be easy.  You shouldn't have to work at something that is right... right?  Wrong.  A good marriage takes work.  Isn't there some cliche about how nothing worth having is ever easy?  Marriage is no exception.  Having to work at your marriage doesn't mean your marriage is bad... it means it's normal!  When you hit a bump in the road - and yes, there will be many of these - you don't just give up because things got hard.  You work to fix it and move forward, learning all you can from the bump.  Sometimes it's hard... really hard.  You might yell at each other and say hurtful things.  You might be so angry at your spouse that you can't stand to be in the same room.  You might wonder why you married this person.  And, guess what?  None of that means your marriage is doomed.  It means... you guessed it... it's normal!  I once read an article discussing how it's normal to second guess your decision to marry your spouse... and often.  Only in Nicholas Sparks novels do people feel 100% sure of their choice of significant other at all times.  It's only natural to wonder about a decision you made that affects the rest of your life.  The important thing isn't second-guessing yourself... it's the reaffirmation to yourself that you chose this person for a reason, and that you are committed to making it work.  You owe it to yourself and to your spouse to reassess every so often and really look at whether you are committed to your marriage and to this person.  If you aren't willing to work on it, it's not a marriage you should be in.  Period.

2.  You need your own life.  Maybe this is my own need for independence skewing my opinion, but I think one of the most important things in a marriage is to have things that are separate from your couple-dom.  Is it great to do things together?  Sure it is.  But, when you are doing everything together and can't function as individuals, there's a problem.  I have perhaps unconventional views of love... like, I don't believe in "the one" or "soulmates" or whatever.  I believe in good timing.  But, my number one philosophy on love can be summarized as follows:  "Love isn't needing someone.  It's not needing them, but wanting them around anyway."  I feel like you need to be secure in your individuality and self-sufficiency before you can be in a truly healthy relationship.  Something about extreme co-dependency just creeps me out.  I love spending time with my husband, but I also really enjoy weekends apart and just having time to myself.  My favorite thing about having a house vs. our old one-bedroom places, is that now we can be in separate rooms if we want!  Steve and I sometimes take trips without each other, go out with friends separately, and are even involved in separate activities/hobbies.  It's nice to have your own life!  We aren't forever attached at the hip, aren't always one social unit.  We have our own lives, and we enjoy them.  Then, when we do things together, it feels more like a choice than an obligation.

3.  Talk to each other.  No, really, talk to each other.  I think both sides are guilty of this one.  Women are often passive-aggressive, and men are notoriously bad at communicating.  Guess what?  If you never tell your husband that it makes you angry when he doesn't put his dishes in the dishwasher, he will never do it.  If you never tell your wife that you feel like she is taking her day out on you unfairly, she will never stop.  It's as simple as that:  if you don't communicate with your spouse, you can't get the results you desire.  Which leads to frustration, dissatisfaction, and ultimately lands you in a position where the marriage seems irreparable.  All of those little issues can build up into a load of resentment and ruin a perfectly good marriage.  I think Steve and I do a good job of trying to tell each other how we feel and what we want, and the other tries to respond accordingly.  You might create some friction at first, but having a little fight now is worth avoiding a lifetime of disappointment.  Don't just accept that something will always "just be this way."  It might not if you actually told your spouse and discussed it constructively to reach a solution.  I think the real problem is that people just complain to their spouses about things and don't make a real effort to solve the problem.  Or maybe they don't even really want to solve the problem.  When you decide to bring an issue up, you should have a slate of solutions already brewing in your brain.  Communication isn't complaining... it's discussing.  That means it goes both ways and should have a constructive end of some kind.  As an additional, related thought... don't complain to your friends about something your spouse does if you have not tried to address the behavior with your spouse.  That just not fair, people.  Give em a shot!

4.  Have fun together.  This one doesn't need much discussion.  Just do what it says!  This could be playing a game, or going to get a drink, or going to the zoo or amusement park.  Laughing together can inject much-needed life into a stale marriage.  Women don't rank "sense of humor" high on their list for no reason.  It's not just important in dating... it's important in marriage!  You should enjoy each other and be able to make each other laugh.  The couple that laughs together... lasts.

5.  Don't try to change each other... at least, not the big stuff.  Part of marriage is that you are better with the person than without them.  If you are worse with them, you are in the wrong marriage.  You should never try to change the person that your spouse is... and you shouldn't expect that you can.  If your spouse is an introvert, they will probably always be an introvert.  You might be able to expand their horizons a bit, but they will never be a social butterfly.  If you want a social butterfly, then marry one.  Don't try to turn your spouse into something they aren't.  This is not to say that you shouldn't try to make each other better people or that you shouldn't try to make adjustments to make your spouse happy.  If your spouse continually drives you nuts with their smacking when they eat, by all means, tell them that it bothers you and you would appreciate it if they would try to stop doing that.  And, spouse, you should try to change that small behavior to satisfy your spouse.  Some adjustments in marriage are necessary - it's called compromise.  Small compromises are totally worth it, and it is not unreasonable to change certain behaviors for your spouse or to expect them to do the same.  But, choose your battles wisely.  And, meet in the middle.  Don't expect one spouse to do all the changing or compromising.  It goes both ways... just like communication!



Go forth into your marriages armed with this knowledge, my friends, and you shall know success.  (Or at least six years of it...)

Not Faster.

I feel like, in today's world, we are obsessed with making things faster.  Shortcuts.  Time savers.  Anything to add a few more minutes to our days.  In this pursuit, people change their behaviors and create inventions to make their lives easier and save that most precious commodity -- time.  But, I have found that many of the things that are supposed to be "faster" actually... aren't.  This amuses me, so I thought I would make a list.  Who would have thought?

Things that are supposed to be faster... but aren't:

1.  Drive-thrus.  Supposedly, people drive through a restaurant because they don't actually have time to get out of their car and walk the 20 feet across the parking lot to order in person.  But, oftentimes, people end up waiting in the drive-thru lane far longer than they would have waited inside.  I understand that some people just don't want to unload their kids or whatever, but, let's face it... most people are just lazy and don't want to get out of their cars when they could have someone just hand them their orders right in the comfort of their car.  I particularly enjoy the Starbucks drive-thru on the way to work.  The line is all the way out into the street and blocks the parking lot.  So, I will park across the street and still emerge far before when I would have gotten through the line in the drive-thru.  I always feel this smug sense of satisfaction and feel like I somehow cheated the system by being faster than the drive-thru.  Then, I feel better than all of the suckers sitting in their cars watching me walk back to my car with my delicious beverage.  I have found that the drive-thru only comes in handy when it's freezing cold outside.  It might not save time, but at least it saves warmth.

Don't do it!  It's a trap!

2. Backing into parking spaces. Ok, this is another car one. If you are a backer-inner, I'm sorry, but I just don't get it. I see people at work back into their garage spaces, and I wonder "why?". I understand that it allows you to just pull out immediately from your space when you leave, thus saving precious seconds that might otherwise be spent in the car. But you just spent even more time than you saved trying to back and align your car into the space. So, really, you are not netting any time savings. You are probably wasting more time backing your car into the space than you are possibly saving. Especially in my parking garage. It's not a huge garage. You aren't going to have a rush of people at 5:00 gunning for the exit and blocking your path. You can back out. It's not hard. My mom explained that people don't want to waste any time getting home from work... but don't mind wasting time getting to work. Guess that makes sense in a way. But, still not an actual time saver.

Just... no.

3. Self check out. First, old people should not be allowed to use self check out. Neither should children. Nor obnoxious people with 30 items when the sign clearly says 20 or less. Even with 20 items, I would venture a guess that self check out will not save you any time. Self check out allows you to speed past the long grocery lines and check yourself out. Doing things yourself saves time, right? Avoiding those lines is worth it, right? Wrong. Most of the time. I've noticed that when the regular lines are long, the self check out line is just as long. And, people are slower. Checkers check people out for a living. That is what they do. They are check out experts, so to speak. Have you seen how fast they can type in those produce codes? The cans whiz by the scanner with astonishing speed. Now, have you seen people checking themselves out? The attendant is coming over and showing them how to type in the produce code. They are coming over to check their IDs. They are voiding a double scan. People are struggling with the concept of "bagging" vs. "skipping the bag". You see them put an item in the bag, then take it out, then back in... trying to figure out how to beat the machine. Then, of course, are the people with a shopping cart full of items. There are times when self check out saves time, and a full cart is not one of them. Do you seriously believe you can scan those items faster than the check out person? No friggin way. When is self check out worth it? When you have less than 10 items, none of them are alcohol or weight-valued produce items, and you actually know how to work the dang machine. If you don't know how to work it, don't pick a busy Saturday afternoon as the time to start. For your own bodily safety and my mental health... please just... don't.

If you drive slower than I walk, you are not allowed to use the self check out.

4. Barcode apps on the iPhone. I don't know what they're called. I don't have an iPhone. I just always see people scanning their phones instead of using a credit card, and I have only seen this transaction operate smoothly once. Most of the time it takes a few scans, or the person doesn't get their little app up ahead of time... so it ends up saving no time over swiping a credit card. My favorite is watching the person try to scan their phone... then after failing, the counter worker takes it and tries. In the time it takes to scan the dang phone, you could have swiped their card, my card, and the person's behind me. And, then I'm a grumpy bear. Because, like I said before... we all value our precious time. Go, go, go! Actually, I feel like a lot of apps are wastes of time... but, man, do people love a gimmick! But, that's a blog for another time...

There is just something unsettling about this to me.  The machines are plotting their uprising.

5. Calculators... for simple math. When it comes to simple math, calculators are a huge waste of time. Unless you can speed type, or just don't know math, I suppose. This makes me feel old... but "kids these days" rely way too much on calculators! I don't know how many times I have been with someone and, when faced with a simple math question, they whip out their smartphone to type in the numbers. I say the answer before they are done, and they are like "how did you know that so fast?" Well, you see, I used my brain, which is faster than your stupid smartphone. Smartbrain > smartphone. God forbid we exert ourselves to use our brains! Seriously? You just used your phone to calculate 20% of $25.00? Something like that takes even longer because inevitably you have to know that 20% is actually .20. Adds a whole other layer to the thing. And, if you are adding 2 numbers under 50 on your smartphone, I feel like I should unfriend you on principle. It's a little ridiculous... I'm just saying. I'm sorry if you are just genuinely awful at math and can't do simple math in your head. I'm sure you are much better than me at drawing... or sewing... or physics... or some other activity that I do particularly crappily. Actually, I guess if you were bad at math, you would probably also be bad at physics. Sorry.

Unfriended.

Amazing Domestic Goddess Extraordinaire

Tonight, I got home from work at 6:15.  Then, I went to the grocery store with a list.  And, this list included more than just frozen dinners... it was based on recipes for multiple meals.  I know, I'm in shock, too.  Read on. When I got home, I actually made dinner.  Yes, in shock again.  Baked falafel with cucumbers from my mom's garden and homemade tahini sauce... and bacon-wrapped dates.  After I ate dinner, I made a kale zucchini quiche.  This, alone, is pretty impressive for a weeknight in my house.  But, while that was baking, I made sesame noodles with napa cabbage... so I could have homemade lunches for the week.  Pick up your jaw...if you can.  After the quiche was done, I baked zucchini raisin muffins from scratch.  And, they are AWESOME.  That's right, I'm an amazing domestic goddess extraordinaire.  I didn't even watch any TV tonight.  Or play on the internet (until now...).  If you know me, your head is probably exploding right about now.

Though, I didn't wash my dishes... so... at least I know an alien hasn't taken over my body.  In general, I am pretty lazy and domestically challenged.  Don't get me wrong... I am a pretty good cook and an awesome baker.  I just have problems motivating myself to do anything when I get home from work.  I admit that I am an awful housekeeper and gardener.  I don't even try to pretend that I am good at those things.   Usually, my evening consists of coming home from work between 6 and 6:30... eating some kind of frozen or fast dinner... and watching TV and messing around on my computer for hours on end.  If dishes even get taken from the basement (where we inevitably eat every night) to the kitchen, it's an accomplishment.

I always have grand ideas about what my evenings will be like.  "I will get home, make a delicious, healthy, well-balanced meal, do two loads of laundry, do the dishes, organize my closet, weed the flower beds, and do the work that I brought home." Then, I get home.  And, none of that happens.  Ever.

But, every once in a while, an anomaly occurs.  Like tonight.  I blame credit my ADD.  Ok, so, I've never been "diagnosed" with ADD, but I totally have it.  Ask my husband.  He knows all  about it.  The other day, we were in the car, and I was yakking and being my normal self... and he was like "Ok, how did you just go through 4 unrelated topics and end up singing a random song, all within 30 seconds?"  Yeah, that's me!  Anyway, so, most of the time, I cannot bring myself to start or finish tasks, even when I make a plan.  It all goes to heck once I actually try to do it.  I start with the best intentions, but never see many results.  I think of something I'd rather be doing... and I go do that instead.  Like, the other day when I was doing some work at home... I randomly thought, Hmm, I wonder where my achievement certificates from law school are.  So, off I went to search for them for 30 minutes.  Then, inevitably, it led to other random things and I never got back to the work.  Organization and foresight are not my friends.  I'd like them to be, but they are kind of like the people whose names I can't remember... which is awkward, so I avoid them.  Ok, so how did this lead to my domestic divinity tonight?  Well, you see... along with the disorganization of ADD comes this wonderful thing called hyperfocus.  Yes, this is real.  When I'm doing something that I'm really interested in, I can do it for a long time without realizing how much time has gone by.  So, tonight, I cooked for over 3 hours straight.  Usually this hyperfocus is wasted on the internet, romance novels, or something equally useless.  But, every once in a while, I can direct my focus on something useful.  Problem is, I am not often interested in useful activities!  Who is?

Oh... probably successful people...

Summer Brain.

Summer brain.  I don't know what you call it, but I call it "summer brain."  You know, when you start getting restless at work somewhere around early May.  Your productivity slows to a halt.  You can't focus... your brain shuts down.  You find yourself staring out your window, wishing you could go enjoy the warmth of the day.  The sun is shining, the grass is green... and you're sure the birds are chirping, though you can't hear them because your window doesn't open.  You look at people outside and shoot them death stares.  You begin to hate children because they get a summer break.  Summer.  What is summer to the working world?  Depression and distraction.  That is summer brain.  

Why do we get summer brain?  I blame the school system.  I went to school for twenty years.  For twenty years, I got summers off... at least to some extent.  You went to school for 9 months, then you got 3 months "off."  That's how it worked.  And, then, you graduated, and somehow you were expected to just magically come up with three extra months of brain activity that never existed before.  Plus, you are expected to be able to put in those extra months during three months that you least want to spend inside.  

Why can't schools have "winter break" instead of "summer break"?  No one cares about being penned up inside during December.  Plus, all the holidays are in the winter: Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's... Veteran's Day, Martin Luther King Day, President's Day... Valentine's Day, Groundhog Day.  What does summer have?  Independence Day.  Much easier to work school around one holiday than, like, ten.  And, don't forget... people are already depressed during the winter!  You are barely making an impact by taking away a winter break once the children become adults.  You aren't ruining the fantastic summer that they could be having.  You are simply making them clean their cars of snow a few extra days.  "Losing" winter is much less traumatic than "losing" summer.  You can't miss something you never had, right?  

I'm sure school breaks were positioned in the summer for lots of good, old-timey reasons.  Like, the young'uns had to be home to help on the farm during the growing season.  Or, it was just too dadgum hot to stick a bunch of kids in a room and expect them to behave.  Fact is, those old-timey reasons just don't stand up anymore.  Get with the times, people!  Summer break is no longer the only way to go.

I advocate that we start "winter break."  Sure, a bunch of kids will hate it at first.  But, eventually they will forget that summer break ever existed, and they will all be saved a load of grief and depression as adults.  And, they would thank us for it.

Together, we can put an end to "summer brain."

I Am Not a Runner.

I am not a runner.  I have short legs.  I'm uncoordinated.  I'm lazy.  All of these things have led me to generally avoid running for the vast majority of my life.  I never did track... I never ran for "fun" (whatever that is) or for exercise.  The only time I ran was laps at volleyball practices.  And, I even hated it then.  It was by far the thing I most dreaded about practice every day.

I have often said that I hate running.  Hate it.  I could not understand why anyone would do it if they didn't have to.  Despite my hatred of running, a few years ago, I got it into my head that I should start running.  Mostly because I couldn't afford a gym, and I had a few months free after my first year of law school.  And I may have gained 15 pounds the first year of law school... and marriage.  So, I convinced myself that I would run around the neighborhood.  Since I am a nerd, I researched running thoroughly to make myself a plan... and so I wouldn't look like an idiot.  I had about a billion things I worried about.  How do you breathe when you run?  Nose or mouth?  Deep or shallow?  What about stride?  Long stride or short stride?  Where should my foot land?  Should I run on the road or the sidewalk?  What side of the road do I run on?  On and on.

When I felt sufficiently versed in the sport of running, I bought myself a pair of running shoes, and I made my plan.  I decided I would try a walk/run approach.  Problem was, I had no idea how far I could run already.  Ok, had to assess my ability.  So, I took off on the first day at a leisurely jog to see how far I could go before I needed to stop.  Hmm.  Two blocks.  Perhaps I was a little more out of shape than I had thought.  Walked two blocks... ran two blocks... walked... ran.  Such it continued, and I was somewhat pleased with myself when I returned 20 minutes later feeling like I was dying.  I figured, runners always look like they're dying... so that was a good sign.  I was becoming a runner!  I kept running, a few times a week, and eventually got to where I could run 4 blocks, walk 1 block.  Yeah, I know, that still sounds pathetic.  Well, I thought I was awesome!  I would always make sure that I would be on the "run" portions when I went by a person... so I felt cool and fit.  I didn't particularly enjoy running, but the competitive spirit within me relished the idea of achieving something.  Problem was... I got bored.  I have a short attention span and get sick of things pretty quickly.  Running wasn't advancing quite as swiftly as I had hoped... and I didn't really feel like I enjoyed it.  I actually kind of dreaded going outside to run.  And thus ended my very short and very sorry attempt at running.  After 3 weeks.  

Last summer, I once again decided that I was going to start running.  I had a gym membership, and I was going to conquer the dreaded treadmill.  I had never in my life stepped foot on a treadmill.  I was terrified of them.  With my astoundingly low level of coordination (that is a story for another blog), I could just picture my feet flying out from under me and landing face first on the tread.  But, I sucked it up and started my walk/run routine once again.  This time, the hubby tried with me, so at least I had someone to try to "beat," which made it a bit more appealing to me.  I eventually got to where I could run an entire mile straight.  Then, hubby stopped going to the gym... and without someone to compete against, running lost all joy and purpose for me.  And, once again, I was done after a month or so.

In January, I made a list of New Year's resolutions.  One of them was to run a race.  This time, I was going to "get serious."  I went and bought new running shoes at a real running store.  I guess I figured that if I invested enough money in running, it would spur me to stick with it.  I bought cute new running clothes.  If I know anything, it's that girls are highly motivated by cute workout clothes.  Then, I started back running at the gym a couple of times a week.  I signed up for a 5k, and hubby signed up too.  I have enough pride to make myself be prepared for something that I've committed to.  So, I had that 5k looming in the future.  When it got warmer outside, I overcame my completely irrational fear of running outdoors (I don't like people watching me... shut up!).  I started running around my neighborhood... zigzagging through the streets, so I would never be too far away from home, you know, in case I got tired and decided to be done with my run.

Well, the 5k came, and I was ready to go.  I got there, and it started raining.  Thundering.  Lightning.  Pouring rain.  So, yes, they canceled the 5k.  I got my t-shirt and my medal, but I felt like a fraud.  I had signed up for my first race... but I hadn't run it... no matter what my awesome medal said.  This was it - my real test of whether I was going to stick with running this time.  This was my "get out of jail free" card.  I could just not sign up for another race.  I could quit!  But, instead, I found myself wanting to sign up for another race.  I had trained for it, dang it, and I wasn't going to let it go to waste!  I wanted to get my "under 30 minutes" goal.  Heck, I even went to the gym the day of the canceled 5k and ran a 5k on the treadmill (despite a fire alarm going off in the middle of it and having to evacuate the building... yes, I have bad luck).

So, riding the momentum of my disappointment from the canceled 5k, I signed up for a new 5k.  Then, I thought, heck, if I can do a 5k, I can do a 10k!  So, now I've signed up for a 10k and am training for that.  I've found, however, that I have to run farther away from my house in order to get a longer run in.  If I'm close by, I will quit before I am actually done.  Because I'm lazy.  If I run far enough away, then I have to run back!  This weekend, I actually ran about 5 miles.  I still have a little trouble believing that I actually did this of my own accord and without being chased or bribed in some way.  And, more troubling still... I actually enjoyed it and didn't feel like death afterward.

Is it possible?  Could I actually enjoy running?  I think the jury is still out on that one.  I enjoy the sense of accomplishment that comes with completing a run... and I like having a goal to train toward.  I know I will be proud to say I ran a 10k after it's done.  But, I am not sure if it's the task that I enjoy... or the accomplishment.

And, I don't know if I can ever call myself a "runner."  I am never running in the rain if I can help it, and sometimes I like to sleep instead of get up to run.  And, I have no desire to ever, ever run a marathon.  Actually, right now, the idea of running more than an hour is kind of nauseating.

So, no, I am not a runner.  I may never describe myself as a runner.  But, I am running.  And, I don't hate it.  Against all odds and expectations... especially my own.