Warning: This entry is long.
So, if you haven't noticed, I've been a bit MIA for the last, oh... YEAR or so. I have been a very bad blogger. I don't think I can even call myself a blogger until I get some steady posting going on here! Though I don't like to make excuses, I at least do have a reason that I wasn't blogging.
First of all, I don't like keeping secrets. However, events that have transpired in the past 16 months have caused me to keep secrets from many, many people. And, let me tell you, keeping secrets is hard work. Especially when the things you are keeping secrets about are also hard work. During that time, I soooo wanted to vent on my blog about what I was going through, but then, it was a secret and I couldn't do it. My whole life was permeated with secrecy, and it seemed impossible to come up with anything to blog about besides those secret things... thus, writer's block and a bit of a conscious step away from blogging while I completed my secret mission. But, now that the secrets are out in the open, I can finally talk about the past 16 months of my life!
Ok, as some readers may know, I recently "announced" that I'm making some HUGE changes in my life. First of all, I'm quitting my job... and career entirely. Second, I'm starting a PhD program... in a completely new field. To top it all off, I'm moving halfway across the country. Now, I will tell you my story...
Once upon a time, about 16 months ago, I came home from work after a particularly harrowing day. I was in a really bad mood... in fact, my rage monster Rabia might have taken over my body completely by that point. Let's just say Rabia was making quite frequent appearances in my life. I don't remember exactly how it happened, but Steve and I got to the conversation point that, basically, I could not keep working at my job. I was not happy, I did not enjoy my work, and it was taking a toll on my sanity... and, in turn, Steve's sanity. So, I made the decision to start looking for something else.
First, I looked at legal jobs. All the time, every day, I looked. Occasionally, I found something I was qualified for... but never found anything that interested me. I applied to a few jobs, but realized I was not excited about the prospect of ANY legal job. I literally could not think of a position that would make me happy... only ones that would make me money and give me less hours of unhappy. Eventually, I came to the realization that the reason I could not find a job I liked was because... I didn't like the law. It wasn't that I didn't like my particular job... it was that I didn't like my chosen career, at all.
Let me tell you something... realizing that you chose the "wrong" career is kind of devastating. Once you have that realization, you are faced with a decision: either stay in your career and find a way to be the least miserable you can be, or find a new career. Option one does not sound appealing, though it is definitely the easiest path. Option two is terrifying for a number of reasons... most of all being the fact that you now have to figure out what you actually want to do. This is not as easy as it sounds; after all, what you thought you wanted to do was wrong. And, if you did not have some fortunate epiphany that "x" is what you want to do instead of your current career, then you are back at square one. Then, when you figure that out, you aren't qualified for it. Then, you realize all of the time, money, and effort it will take to get to where you want to go. And, then, you feel like a failure for not "making it" in your chosen profession. You even question whether you are capable of being happy in any profession in the universe... and question your own judgment on anything and everything... because, after all, you were wrong about one big thing, why not others? And, the whole time, you are worrying what others will think of you when you tell them.
So, yeah, the past 16 months have been kind of like that ^
Anyway, onward in the story. Initially, I thought I'd take a few years "off" and just do something personally enriching that I would enjoy... and which might lead to a job of some sort. I thought of trying to actually write... or get into nonprofit management... both of which had local master's programs. While looking into master's programs, I often talked with a friend who was a professor. I always told her that I envied her job and that I regretted doing a JD instead of a PhD after school. She asked why I couldn't just do a PhD now. I told her I felt like it was too late... I was too old. She convinced me that I was not, in fact, too old and that many people start degree programs in their late 20s... and best of all, she told me that you get paid to get a PhD. After some research, I realized that, yep, she was right. And, that pipe dream that had always been nagging at the back of my brain... academia... started to become a viable option for me. Once I had the PhD on the brain, it was just a matter of deciding what I wanted to study.
And, this led me to an epiphany that I feel most of us rarely have in our lives... where we realize that everything has been leading to something and can recognize and seize the opportunity to follow that path. I realized, looking back on everything I'd done that I truly enjoyed, that it always involved education. I had interned for the US Dept. of Education in undergrad, I wrote my major research paper for PoliSci on school choice policies, and my favorite course in law school was Education Law and Policy. Any time I was given free rein to choose what to study, I chose education. After speaking with a friend in a Higher Ed PhD program, he helped lead me to Sociology as an avenue to further my interest in studying education. The more I read about it, the more I realized it was the right fit for me. Once I had my ducks in a row, I talked to Steve about it. And, he had the same epiphany that I did: "this is perfect for you; you would be so happy doing this."
Okay, so this all took place from about February to May of last year. So, in May, I decided to start studying for the GRE and researching programs... to apply for admission in a couple of years... not right now. But, with Steve's term job ending this fall, he told me to go ahead and "go for it". The timing was right, so I changed gears in June or so and started preparing in earnest to apply that fall. I took the GRE in July, then started putting together a final list of schools in August. I researched every school in the universe and eventually got a final list of 15 programs. I spent weeks on admissions essays, securing letters of recommendation, getting transcripts, putting together spreadsheets of each school's deadlines, fees, and requirements. I even took a second job to pay for all of the application fees... which helped offset the costs but took up a lot of my free time. Applications were due in November, December, and January. So, I did a few every week. It was a ton of work, and I vacillated between feeling empowered and feeling defeated. But, on a day in January, I submitted my last application, and it was a fantastic feeling. Then, it was just compulsive email checking for admission results... for months.
Now, I know I talked about secrets. Here's where they come in. This ENTIRE TIME, no one in Steve's or my family knew I was applying. Most of my friends didn't know. My coworkers didn't know. Very few people knew. With such big changes possible, I wanted to be 100% sure of my future before upsetting anything in my "current" life. We decided we would tell people, beginning with our families, after I got in somewhere. So, for over a year, I kept all of this secret from those closest to me. It was really hard, especially since the process of applying took up a large part of my time and sanity.
Then... I got in somewhere. Then, I got in more places. In the end, I was admitted to five different programs... all incredible choices, any one of which I would have been thrilled with. All of this excitement was dampened by the crippling fear of telling people, especially my family. I kept putting off the announcement, and eventually, I decided I had to tell them before I visited my first school. So, I bit the bullet and told my mom. She was incredibly upset about it, as I knew she would be. She began to warm up a bit, or at least got better at hiding her unhappiness over the situation. I knew that my family was only upset that I was moving away from them, and that they wanted me to be happy, even if they did not want me to leave. They still are not "happy" about it, but they are happy for me and realize what an accomplishment and huge step this is for me in my life.
I visited three of the schools where I was admitted and had to take off work to do so. So, more lies! More secrets! But at least by that point, my family knew and I could discuss it with them. Then, eventually, my office found out, and now everyone knows! And, I chose a school... and we have an apartment in our new city of Austin, Texas. We are trying to sell our house, Steve is looking for a job, and I'm moving in less than 6 weeks!
So many people have asked me why I'm leaving the law. First, it's because I'm unhappy. Second, it's because I think I will like something else better. And, third, it's because I don't want to regret not trying. I don't want to be one of those people... and lawyers know them more than anyone... because the law probably has more of these than most professions: the people who wish they could do something else. I don't want to be 50 and stuck in a career I hate, wondering if I would have been happier doing something else. My fear of failure, even "perceived" failure, almost kept me from giving this a shot. I didn't want to admit that I had made a mistake. But, Steve asked me... "If, at the end of this, you can't find a job as a professor, will you regret doing it?" And, the answer was no. No, I won't regret taking charge of my life. I want to decide my own fate, whatever it may be.
And, most of all, I want to live with no regrets. What's the point of this life? To me, it's happiness. And, part of that is having a job that I enjoy. Because, let's face it, work consumes a large part of our lives. And, unhappiness at work bleeds into unhappiness at home. And, before you know it, Rabia has taken over your entire life. Wait, that's my rage monster, not yours... but you get the idea.
My brother's far-too-early departure from this world taught me that we just don't know how much time we have... so we better make the most of it. And, I want you to know, little brother... I am making the most of mine.
And she lived happily ever after... The End.*
*Don't worry... I'll be back... and hopefully on a more frequent basis now!
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
A Life Without TV... Kind of...
A few months ago, we made the decision to get rid of TV. Not completely, granted, but we canceled our satellite service. It was costing SO much money, we just got to a point where we couldn't justify the few channels we actually watched. Out of the vast array of cable channels, when it came down to it, the only channels we were sad to see go were HGTV (me) and ESPN (Steve). I think these were our "go-to" channel surfing channels. When nothing else was on, we could always entertain ourselves with whatever was on these channels.
And, therein lies the problem! We got to the point where we mindlessly zoned out in front of the TV just because we had nothing better to do. We weren't watching TV to watch a certain show... we were watching just to watch. We figured we could not only save money by canceling satellite, but perhaps we would also cut down on TV viewing time.
Boy, were we wrong.
Yes, we are saving money. In exchange for satellite, we signed up for Netflix and Hulu Plus. Combined, they are less than $20/month. Much cheaper. But, as far as watching "less" TV, yeah, that didn't happen. I think we probably watch just as much TV as we did before.
However, our viewing habits have changed. When you have to actively seek out and choose the TV you are watching, you are far pickier. No longer do you have the excuse "well, there's nothing better on." I actually find things that I think will interest me, and I watch those. And, if 10 minutes in, it sucks? I turn it off. This is like a revelation! Turning off bad TV! Who knew?! And, instead of watching HGTV, what am I watching now? Critically acclaimed TV series, independent films, documentaries. When I'm bored, I want something good.Plus, I can't get HGTV anymore...
This whole "experience" in getting rid of satellite has really made me think about technology in our lives. So much of technology exists for convenience or stimulation... things that we don't need or could get elsewhere, in perhaps more healthful ways. Every once in a while, when I think about these things, I get the urge to disconnect, move to rural Montana and live off the land. Who needs this rat race and newfangled gadgets?
Then, I turn on an episode of Suits...
And, therein lies the problem! We got to the point where we mindlessly zoned out in front of the TV just because we had nothing better to do. We weren't watching TV to watch a certain show... we were watching just to watch. We figured we could not only save money by canceling satellite, but perhaps we would also cut down on TV viewing time.
Boy, were we wrong.
Yes, we are saving money. In exchange for satellite, we signed up for Netflix and Hulu Plus. Combined, they are less than $20/month. Much cheaper. But, as far as watching "less" TV, yeah, that didn't happen. I think we probably watch just as much TV as we did before.
However, our viewing habits have changed. When you have to actively seek out and choose the TV you are watching, you are far pickier. No longer do you have the excuse "well, there's nothing better on." I actually find things that I think will interest me, and I watch those. And, if 10 minutes in, it sucks? I turn it off. This is like a revelation! Turning off bad TV! Who knew?! And, instead of watching HGTV, what am I watching now? Critically acclaimed TV series, independent films, documentaries. When I'm bored, I want something good.
This whole "experience" in getting rid of satellite has really made me think about technology in our lives. So much of technology exists for convenience or stimulation... things that we don't need or could get elsewhere, in perhaps more healthful ways. Every once in a while, when I think about these things, I get the urge to disconnect, move to rural Montana and live off the land. Who needs this rat race and newfangled gadgets?
Then, I turn on an episode of Suits...
Friday, December 28, 2012
Spoiler Alert: Adultery!
I love chick flicks. I know they give women unrealistic expectations of love, but I still love them. When I have a free couple of hours to myself, I often sit down and watch a chick flick to give myself some mindless feel-good entertainment. I have probably seen 90% of chick flicks in the last 10 years. Probably not exaggerating much there, actually. Sadly. But, lately I have noticed a disturbing trend in some of the most popular chick flicks. They are all about adultery.
This isn't some after-school special from yours truly, and I am no puritanical morality police when it comes to entertainment... but once I saw the trend, I couldn't unsee it. The movie that was the culprit was "Something Borrowed." For those that have not seen this movie, let me give a quick recap: woman is in love with her best friend's fiance... has an affair with him... ultimately leading to friend and fiance breaking up and fiance getting together with woman, ruining friendship in the process. But, hey, everyone's happy!? It's ok because friend and fiance obviously were not meant to be together and woman really loved fiance more than friend did. Turns out friend was also cheating on fiance with his friend. All is well! Hooray! Happily ever after!
Wait, what?! Was I seriously identifying with and rooting for the protagonist in this situation? I was rooting for the woman to steal her best friend's fiance. Because, after all, it's true love! I felt kind of icky after this one, and then I realized that this movie is not the only one pushing the moral boundaries. In fact, it's more of the "rule" than the "exception." I seriously thought to myself, "in real life, all women would hate the friend who stole her best friend's fiance and would judge her and shun her." I mean, think about it. Who roots for adultery... except the adulterers...? Hollywood is really twisting people's minds here. When I thought about it, there are a ton of morally questionable chick flicks. I decided to make a list, of course.
1. The Wedding Planner. This may actually be the worst sounding in real life. "Groom falls in love with wedding planner." Enough. Said.
2. My Best Friend's Wedding. I know, they don't actually get together. But, the thought of someone trying to sabotage her best friend's wedding doesn't sit well with me. I am glad this one actually turned out realistically... like, "hey you're being a crazy person!"
3. Made of Honor. Notice a wedding theme? Yet another friend who is trying to sabotage a wedding. Though, successfully here. And, after everyone traveled to Scotland! The shame!
4. Sweet Home Alabama. So... there is so much going on in this one. Woman is engaged to someone who doesn't know that she's already married. So, technically, fiance is the "other man." But, then, she falls back in love with and leaves fiance for husband. Thus, husband becomes the "other man"... though actually he's not. When the husband is the "other man" that you are rooting for, something is seriously messed up.
5. You've Got Mail. Meet man on internet... you both have significant others. You continue to chat via flirty emails. Serendipitously (more on this later), you both break up with significant others for unrelated reasons and then can finally meet and be together. Granted, this wasn't "adultery" per se, but you were rooting for them both to leave their partners and get together. Same thing.
6. The Notebook. Just think about how happy you were when they got back together... when she was engaged to someone else. Mm hmm. Epic romance! Not so epic for that fiance... but, then, he's not Ryan Gosling.
7. Love Actually. This presents a nice dichotomy of adultery for the viewer. On the one hand, there is the sleazy boss/employee storyline of Alan Rickman's character. But, on the other hand... who wasn't kind of rooting a bit for the friend who was in love with his friend's wife? His friend could have been the nicest guy in the world (who knows?), but you were sure rooting for the friend.
8. Serendipity. It's the name of the movie! Some things are just "meant to be." Who cares if you have a fiance or whatever? This is your soul mate we are talking about here!
9. Dear John. I bet there wasn't a woman watching this movie who didn't want the girl to break up with her husband the second Channing Tatum strolls back into the picture. Heck, I would venture that you were actively hoping the husband would hurry up and die already. Death! You are wishing death upon people to advance the love story of two other characters! You can admit it. I can.
10. Leap Year. Perhaps you haven't seen this hidden gem. It is a cute film, to be sure. Who wouldn't succumb to that fake Irish accent (after knowing him for, like, two days)? Even if you are on your way to propose to your boyfriend... who then proposes to you, who you then dump to go back to Ireland. Poor guy can't catch a break. I hope he got to keep that fancy apartment.
Ten is a good round number, and you know how much I love round numbers... now, go feel ashamed of yourselves for feeling happy at the ends of these movies! Hahaha.
This isn't some after-school special from yours truly, and I am no puritanical morality police when it comes to entertainment... but once I saw the trend, I couldn't unsee it. The movie that was the culprit was "Something Borrowed." For those that have not seen this movie, let me give a quick recap: woman is in love with her best friend's fiance... has an affair with him... ultimately leading to friend and fiance breaking up and fiance getting together with woman, ruining friendship in the process. But, hey, everyone's happy!? It's ok because friend and fiance obviously were not meant to be together and woman really loved fiance more than friend did. Turns out friend was also cheating on fiance with his friend. All is well! Hooray! Happily ever after!
Wait, what?! Was I seriously identifying with and rooting for the protagonist in this situation? I was rooting for the woman to steal her best friend's fiance. Because, after all, it's true love! I felt kind of icky after this one, and then I realized that this movie is not the only one pushing the moral boundaries. In fact, it's more of the "rule" than the "exception." I seriously thought to myself, "in real life, all women would hate the friend who stole her best friend's fiance and would judge her and shun her." I mean, think about it. Who roots for adultery... except the adulterers...? Hollywood is really twisting people's minds here. When I thought about it, there are a ton of morally questionable chick flicks. I decided to make a list, of course.
1. The Wedding Planner. This may actually be the worst sounding in real life. "Groom falls in love with wedding planner." Enough. Said.
2. My Best Friend's Wedding. I know, they don't actually get together. But, the thought of someone trying to sabotage her best friend's wedding doesn't sit well with me. I am glad this one actually turned out realistically... like, "hey you're being a crazy person!"
3. Made of Honor. Notice a wedding theme? Yet another friend who is trying to sabotage a wedding. Though, successfully here. And, after everyone traveled to Scotland! The shame!
4. Sweet Home Alabama. So... there is so much going on in this one. Woman is engaged to someone who doesn't know that she's already married. So, technically, fiance is the "other man." But, then, she falls back in love with and leaves fiance for husband. Thus, husband becomes the "other man"... though actually he's not. When the husband is the "other man" that you are rooting for, something is seriously messed up.
5. You've Got Mail. Meet man on internet... you both have significant others. You continue to chat via flirty emails. Serendipitously (more on this later), you both break up with significant others for unrelated reasons and then can finally meet and be together. Granted, this wasn't "adultery" per se, but you were rooting for them both to leave their partners and get together. Same thing.
6. The Notebook. Just think about how happy you were when they got back together... when she was engaged to someone else. Mm hmm. Epic romance! Not so epic for that fiance... but, then, he's not Ryan Gosling.
7. Love Actually. This presents a nice dichotomy of adultery for the viewer. On the one hand, there is the sleazy boss/employee storyline of Alan Rickman's character. But, on the other hand... who wasn't kind of rooting a bit for the friend who was in love with his friend's wife? His friend could have been the nicest guy in the world (who knows?), but you were sure rooting for the friend.
8. Serendipity. It's the name of the movie! Some things are just "meant to be." Who cares if you have a fiance or whatever? This is your soul mate we are talking about here!
9. Dear John. I bet there wasn't a woman watching this movie who didn't want the girl to break up with her husband the second Channing Tatum strolls back into the picture. Heck, I would venture that you were actively hoping the husband would hurry up and die already. Death! You are wishing death upon people to advance the love story of two other characters! You can admit it. I can.
10. Leap Year. Perhaps you haven't seen this hidden gem. It is a cute film, to be sure. Who wouldn't succumb to that fake Irish accent (after knowing him for, like, two days)? Even if you are on your way to propose to your boyfriend... who then proposes to you, who you then dump to go back to Ireland. Poor guy can't catch a break. I hope he got to keep that fancy apartment.
Ten is a good round number, and you know how much I love round numbers... now, go feel ashamed of yourselves for feeling happy at the ends of these movies! Hahaha.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Quickie Update
Ok, it has been a LONG time since I last posted. This summer swallowed me even worse than last year's! And, it's not just summer. My life is just insanely busy right now. I can't really complain too much because I do it to myself, but it's still quite hectic. I need a time-turner, Hermione style!
So, this summer was amazing... because I went on my first-ever two week vacation! We went to the British Isles after Steve took the bar exam. We spent a few days in London, then did an eight day cruise of the Channel Islands, Ireland, and Scotland. Everything was spectacular, and I already have a few spots I'd like to revisit. Of course I do... I'd vacation 24/7 if I was independently wealthy. But... I'm not. At least not until I become J.K. Rowling, like in my dreams. Ahhh....
This summer, I also took a second job. People think I'm nuts because, hey, I'm an attorney. I make loads of money, right? WRONG. I'm really not complaining. I do fine, but I got to the point where I had no extra money after paying bills every month, and I wanted extra money. And, I really did want to do something productive in my "free" time, so I found a job that was flexible and that I thought I'd enjoy. So, I'm working teaching test prep courses for Princeton Review. I trained for ACT and SAT classes, and I just started teaching my first course. But, the trainings were a full weekend a piece, plus all of this outside prep work. The classes are 3 hour lectures 2 times a week, plus all the prep work... but once I have a few classes under my belt, I should not need as much prep. It pays pretty decent... better than retail or something, I'd imagine. And, I'm influencing young minds. Mwa ha ha! Watch out world...
Now that fall is here, church choir is back, too. So, we practice one night a week, plus sing every Sunday, of course! We also are involved in a young adult group at church, which usually meets one night per week for "fellowship", which usually involves drinks and nerdy strategy games, lol. I love our church!
Northwestern football is back in full swing now, too! Steve is the VP of programming for our local alumni club, so we have been attending every game watch party that we can on Saturdays. I also joined the alumni admissions council, so I help with college fairs and conduct admissions interviews when they roll around. We are very involved with our alma mater, and I'm hoping to go to an awesome bowl game this year. GO 'CATS!
We are also swimming in veggies from our CSA, and I feel like I'm neglecting them because I barely have time to cook. Ugh. I have vowed to cook our share this week before our next share arrives Saturday. Ha, we'll see...
Oh, and my mother has finally accepted that I'm not having babies anytime soon. Victory!
Really, I'm not. Like, I'm drinking a delicious alcoholic beverage as I type this, so get any thoughts of pregnancy out of your head. Yes, I'm drinking at 9:45 on a Sunday night. What of it?
Now that the hottest summer in my life is over, it's time to get back to running. I'm a wuss and couldn't handle the heat... then, you know, I kind of fell down the stairs on our cruise and bruised my shinbone pretty bad. It took 2 months to heal, and I'm ready to get back in the saddle... err... shoes. The goal is a half marathon next year! Or, maybe another 10k... we'll see how "committed" I am this year...
So, this summer was amazing... because I went on my first-ever two week vacation! We went to the British Isles after Steve took the bar exam. We spent a few days in London, then did an eight day cruise of the Channel Islands, Ireland, and Scotland. Everything was spectacular, and I already have a few spots I'd like to revisit. Of course I do... I'd vacation 24/7 if I was independently wealthy. But... I'm not. At least not until I become J.K. Rowling, like in my dreams. Ahhh....
This summer, I also took a second job. People think I'm nuts because, hey, I'm an attorney. I make loads of money, right? WRONG. I'm really not complaining. I do fine, but I got to the point where I had no extra money after paying bills every month, and I wanted extra money. And, I really did want to do something productive in my "free" time, so I found a job that was flexible and that I thought I'd enjoy. So, I'm working teaching test prep courses for Princeton Review. I trained for ACT and SAT classes, and I just started teaching my first course. But, the trainings were a full weekend a piece, plus all of this outside prep work. The classes are 3 hour lectures 2 times a week, plus all the prep work... but once I have a few classes under my belt, I should not need as much prep. It pays pretty decent... better than retail or something, I'd imagine. And, I'm influencing young minds. Mwa ha ha! Watch out world...
Now that fall is here, church choir is back, too. So, we practice one night a week, plus sing every Sunday, of course! We also are involved in a young adult group at church, which usually meets one night per week for "fellowship", which usually involves drinks and nerdy strategy games, lol. I love our church!
Northwestern football is back in full swing now, too! Steve is the VP of programming for our local alumni club, so we have been attending every game watch party that we can on Saturdays. I also joined the alumni admissions council, so I help with college fairs and conduct admissions interviews when they roll around. We are very involved with our alma mater, and I'm hoping to go to an awesome bowl game this year. GO 'CATS!
We are also swimming in veggies from our CSA, and I feel like I'm neglecting them because I barely have time to cook. Ugh. I have vowed to cook our share this week before our next share arrives Saturday. Ha, we'll see...
Oh, and my mother has finally accepted that I'm not having babies anytime soon. Victory!
Really, I'm not. Like, I'm drinking a delicious alcoholic beverage as I type this, so get any thoughts of pregnancy out of your head. Yes, I'm drinking at 9:45 on a Sunday night. What of it?
Now that the hottest summer in my life is over, it's time to get back to running. I'm a wuss and couldn't handle the heat... then, you know, I kind of fell down the stairs on our cruise and bruised my shinbone pretty bad. It took 2 months to heal, and I'm ready to get back in the saddle... err... shoes. The goal is a half marathon next year! Or, maybe another 10k... we'll see how "committed" I am this year...
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Six Years of Marriage
Yep, that's right. Today is Steve and I's sixth wedding anniversary. After six years, I feel like I am quite the marriage expert. I mean, heck, we've probably lasted longer than a lot of normal marriages, and 90% of Hollywood marriages! Keeping with my grand blog tradition of list-making, here are some things I've learned about marriage:
1. You have to work to make your marriage work. No, I don't mean you have to have a job. I have nothing against housewives/husbands (is that a PC term anymore? I don't feel like I can call it anything without offending someone). I mean, you have to put work into your marriage to make it work. I think the divorce rate can be explained by a lot of things, but I would imagine that one of the biggest misconceptions that leads to divorce is that marriage is supposed to be easy. I think a lot of people figure that if you are in the right marriage, it will be easy. You shouldn't have to work at something that is right... right? Wrong. A good marriage takes work. Isn't there some cliche about how nothing worth having is ever easy? Marriage is no exception. Having to work at your marriage doesn't mean your marriage is bad... it means it's normal! When you hit a bump in the road - and yes, there will be many of these - you don't just give up because things got hard. You work to fix it and move forward, learning all you can from the bump. Sometimes it's hard... really hard. You might yell at each other and say hurtful things. You might be so angry at your spouse that you can't stand to be in the same room. You might wonder why you married this person. And, guess what? None of that means your marriage is doomed. It means... you guessed it... it's normal! I once read an article discussing how it's normal to second guess your decision to marry your spouse... and often. Only in Nicholas Sparks novels do people feel 100% sure of their choice of significant other at all times. It's only natural to wonder about a decision you made that affects the rest of your life. The important thing isn't second-guessing yourself... it's the reaffirmation to yourself that you chose this person for a reason, and that you are committed to making it work. You owe it to yourself and to your spouse to reassess every so often and really look at whether you are committed to your marriage and to this person. If you aren't willing to work on it, it's not a marriage you should be in. Period.
2. You need your own life. Maybe this is my own need for independence skewing my opinion, but I think one of the most important things in a marriage is to have things that are separate from your couple-dom. Is it great to do things together? Sure it is. But, when you are doing everything together and can't function as individuals, there's a problem. I have perhaps unconventional views of love... like, I don't believe in "the one" or "soulmates" or whatever. I believe in good timing. But, my number one philosophy on love can be summarized as follows: "Love isn't needing someone. It's not needing them, but wanting them around anyway." I feel like you need to be secure in your individuality and self-sufficiency before you can be in a truly healthy relationship. Something about extreme co-dependency just creeps me out. I love spending time with my husband, but I also really enjoy weekends apart and just having time to myself. My favorite thing about having a house vs. our old one-bedroom places, is that now we can be in separate rooms if we want! Steve and I sometimes take trips without each other, go out with friends separately, and are even involved in separate activities/hobbies. It's nice to have your own life! We aren't forever attached at the hip, aren't always one social unit. We have our own lives, and we enjoy them. Then, when we do things together, it feels more like a choice than an obligation.
3. Talk to each other. No, really, talk to each other. I think both sides are guilty of this one. Women are often passive-aggressive, and men are notoriously bad at communicating. Guess what? If you never tell your husband that it makes you angry when he doesn't put his dishes in the dishwasher, he will never do it. If you never tell your wife that you feel like she is taking her day out on you unfairly, she will never stop. It's as simple as that: if you don't communicate with your spouse, you can't get the results you desire. Which leads to frustration, dissatisfaction, and ultimately lands you in a position where the marriage seems irreparable. All of those little issues can build up into a load of resentment and ruin a perfectly good marriage. I think Steve and I do a good job of trying to tell each other how we feel and what we want, and the other tries to respond accordingly. You might create some friction at first, but having a little fight now is worth avoiding a lifetime of disappointment. Don't just accept that something will always "just be this way." It might not if you actually told your spouse and discussed it constructively to reach a solution. I think the real problem is that people just complain to their spouses about things and don't make a real effort to solve the problem. Or maybe they don't even really want to solve the problem. When you decide to bring an issue up, you should have a slate of solutions already brewing in your brain. Communication isn't complaining... it's discussing. That means it goes both ways and should have a constructive end of some kind. As an additional, related thought... don't complain to your friends about something your spouse does if you have not tried to address the behavior with your spouse. That just not fair, people. Give em a shot!
4. Have fun together. This one doesn't need much discussion. Just do what it says! This could be playing a game, or going to get a drink, or going to the zoo or amusement park. Laughing together can inject much-needed life into a stale marriage. Women don't rank "sense of humor" high on their list for no reason. It's not just important in dating... it's important in marriage! You should enjoy each other and be able to make each other laugh. The couple that laughs together... lasts.
5. Don't try to change each other... at least, not the big stuff. Part of marriage is that you are better with the person than without them. If you are worse with them, you are in the wrong marriage. You should never try to change the person that your spouse is... and you shouldn't expect that you can. If your spouse is an introvert, they will probably always be an introvert. You might be able to expand their horizons a bit, but they will never be a social butterfly. If you want a social butterfly, then marry one. Don't try to turn your spouse into something they aren't. This is not to say that you shouldn't try to make each other better people or that you shouldn't try to make adjustments to make your spouse happy. If your spouse continually drives you nuts with their smacking when they eat, by all means, tell them that it bothers you and you would appreciate it if they would try to stop doing that. And, spouse, you should try to change that small behavior to satisfy your spouse. Some adjustments in marriage are necessary - it's called compromise. Small compromises are totally worth it, and it is not unreasonable to change certain behaviors for your spouse or to expect them to do the same. But, choose your battles wisely. And, meet in the middle. Don't expect one spouse to do all the changing or compromising. It goes both ways... just like communication!
Go forth into your marriages armed with this knowledge, my friends, and you shall know success. (Or at least six years of it...)
1. You have to work to make your marriage work. No, I don't mean you have to have a job. I have nothing against housewives/husbands (is that a PC term anymore? I don't feel like I can call it anything without offending someone). I mean, you have to put work into your marriage to make it work. I think the divorce rate can be explained by a lot of things, but I would imagine that one of the biggest misconceptions that leads to divorce is that marriage is supposed to be easy. I think a lot of people figure that if you are in the right marriage, it will be easy. You shouldn't have to work at something that is right... right? Wrong. A good marriage takes work. Isn't there some cliche about how nothing worth having is ever easy? Marriage is no exception. Having to work at your marriage doesn't mean your marriage is bad... it means it's normal! When you hit a bump in the road - and yes, there will be many of these - you don't just give up because things got hard. You work to fix it and move forward, learning all you can from the bump. Sometimes it's hard... really hard. You might yell at each other and say hurtful things. You might be so angry at your spouse that you can't stand to be in the same room. You might wonder why you married this person. And, guess what? None of that means your marriage is doomed. It means... you guessed it... it's normal! I once read an article discussing how it's normal to second guess your decision to marry your spouse... and often. Only in Nicholas Sparks novels do people feel 100% sure of their choice of significant other at all times. It's only natural to wonder about a decision you made that affects the rest of your life. The important thing isn't second-guessing yourself... it's the reaffirmation to yourself that you chose this person for a reason, and that you are committed to making it work. You owe it to yourself and to your spouse to reassess every so often and really look at whether you are committed to your marriage and to this person. If you aren't willing to work on it, it's not a marriage you should be in. Period.
2. You need your own life. Maybe this is my own need for independence skewing my opinion, but I think one of the most important things in a marriage is to have things that are separate from your couple-dom. Is it great to do things together? Sure it is. But, when you are doing everything together and can't function as individuals, there's a problem. I have perhaps unconventional views of love... like, I don't believe in "the one" or "soulmates" or whatever. I believe in good timing. But, my number one philosophy on love can be summarized as follows: "Love isn't needing someone. It's not needing them, but wanting them around anyway." I feel like you need to be secure in your individuality and self-sufficiency before you can be in a truly healthy relationship. Something about extreme co-dependency just creeps me out. I love spending time with my husband, but I also really enjoy weekends apart and just having time to myself. My favorite thing about having a house vs. our old one-bedroom places, is that now we can be in separate rooms if we want! Steve and I sometimes take trips without each other, go out with friends separately, and are even involved in separate activities/hobbies. It's nice to have your own life! We aren't forever attached at the hip, aren't always one social unit. We have our own lives, and we enjoy them. Then, when we do things together, it feels more like a choice than an obligation.
3. Talk to each other. No, really, talk to each other. I think both sides are guilty of this one. Women are often passive-aggressive, and men are notoriously bad at communicating. Guess what? If you never tell your husband that it makes you angry when he doesn't put his dishes in the dishwasher, he will never do it. If you never tell your wife that you feel like she is taking her day out on you unfairly, she will never stop. It's as simple as that: if you don't communicate with your spouse, you can't get the results you desire. Which leads to frustration, dissatisfaction, and ultimately lands you in a position where the marriage seems irreparable. All of those little issues can build up into a load of resentment and ruin a perfectly good marriage. I think Steve and I do a good job of trying to tell each other how we feel and what we want, and the other tries to respond accordingly. You might create some friction at first, but having a little fight now is worth avoiding a lifetime of disappointment. Don't just accept that something will always "just be this way." It might not if you actually told your spouse and discussed it constructively to reach a solution. I think the real problem is that people just complain to their spouses about things and don't make a real effort to solve the problem. Or maybe they don't even really want to solve the problem. When you decide to bring an issue up, you should have a slate of solutions already brewing in your brain. Communication isn't complaining... it's discussing. That means it goes both ways and should have a constructive end of some kind. As an additional, related thought... don't complain to your friends about something your spouse does if you have not tried to address the behavior with your spouse. That just not fair, people. Give em a shot!
4. Have fun together. This one doesn't need much discussion. Just do what it says! This could be playing a game, or going to get a drink, or going to the zoo or amusement park. Laughing together can inject much-needed life into a stale marriage. Women don't rank "sense of humor" high on their list for no reason. It's not just important in dating... it's important in marriage! You should enjoy each other and be able to make each other laugh. The couple that laughs together... lasts.
5. Don't try to change each other... at least, not the big stuff. Part of marriage is that you are better with the person than without them. If you are worse with them, you are in the wrong marriage. You should never try to change the person that your spouse is... and you shouldn't expect that you can. If your spouse is an introvert, they will probably always be an introvert. You might be able to expand their horizons a bit, but they will never be a social butterfly. If you want a social butterfly, then marry one. Don't try to turn your spouse into something they aren't. This is not to say that you shouldn't try to make each other better people or that you shouldn't try to make adjustments to make your spouse happy. If your spouse continually drives you nuts with their smacking when they eat, by all means, tell them that it bothers you and you would appreciate it if they would try to stop doing that. And, spouse, you should try to change that small behavior to satisfy your spouse. Some adjustments in marriage are necessary - it's called compromise. Small compromises are totally worth it, and it is not unreasonable to change certain behaviors for your spouse or to expect them to do the same. But, choose your battles wisely. And, meet in the middle. Don't expect one spouse to do all the changing or compromising. It goes both ways... just like communication!
Go forth into your marriages armed with this knowledge, my friends, and you shall know success. (Or at least six years of it...)
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