Yep, that's right. Today is Steve and I's sixth wedding anniversary. After six years, I feel like I am quite the marriage expert. I mean, heck, we've probably lasted longer than a lot of normal marriages, and 90% of Hollywood marriages! Keeping with my grand blog tradition of list-making, here are some things I've learned about marriage:
1. You have to work to make your marriage work. No, I don't mean you have to have a job. I have nothing against housewives/husbands (is that a PC term anymore? I don't feel like I can call it anything without offending someone). I mean, you have to put work into your marriage to make it work. I think the divorce rate can be explained by a lot of things, but I would imagine that one of the biggest misconceptions that leads to divorce is that marriage is supposed to be easy. I think a lot of people figure that if you are in the right marriage, it will be easy. You shouldn't have to work at something that is right... right? Wrong. A good marriage takes work. Isn't there some cliche about how nothing worth having is ever easy? Marriage is no exception. Having to work at your marriage doesn't mean your marriage is bad... it means it's normal! When you hit a bump in the road - and yes, there will be many of these - you don't just give up because things got hard. You work to fix it and move forward, learning all you can from the bump. Sometimes it's hard... really hard. You might yell at each other and say hurtful things. You might be so angry at your spouse that you can't stand to be in the same room. You might wonder why you married this person. And, guess what? None of that means your marriage is doomed. It means... you guessed it... it's normal! I once read an article discussing how it's normal to second guess your decision to marry your spouse... and often. Only in Nicholas Sparks novels do people feel 100% sure of their choice of significant other at all times. It's only natural to wonder about a decision you made that affects the rest of your life. The important thing isn't second-guessing yourself... it's the reaffirmation to yourself that you chose this person for a reason, and that you are committed to making it work. You owe it to yourself and to your spouse to reassess every so often and really look at whether you are committed to your marriage and to this person. If you aren't willing to work on it, it's not a marriage you should be in. Period.
2. You need your own life. Maybe this is my own need for independence skewing my opinion, but I think one of the most important things in a marriage is to have things that are separate from your couple-dom. Is it great to do things together? Sure it is. But, when you are doing everything together and can't function as individuals, there's a problem. I have perhaps unconventional views of love... like, I don't believe in "the one" or "soulmates" or whatever. I believe in good timing. But, my number one philosophy on love can be summarized as follows: "Love isn't needing someone. It's not needing them, but wanting them around anyway." I feel like you need to be secure in your individuality and self-sufficiency before you can be in a truly healthy relationship. Something about extreme co-dependency just creeps me out. I love spending time with my husband, but I also really enjoy weekends apart and just having time to myself. My favorite thing about having a house vs. our old one-bedroom places, is that now we can be in separate rooms if we want! Steve and I sometimes take trips without each other, go out with friends separately, and are even involved in separate activities/hobbies. It's nice to have your own life! We aren't forever attached at the hip, aren't always one social unit. We have our own lives, and we enjoy them. Then, when we do things together, it feels more like a choice than an obligation.
3. Talk to each other. No, really, talk to each other. I think both sides are guilty of this one. Women are often passive-aggressive, and men are notoriously bad at communicating. Guess what? If you never tell your husband that it makes you angry when he doesn't put his dishes in the dishwasher, he will never do it. If you never tell your wife that you feel like she is taking her day out on you unfairly, she will never stop. It's as simple as that: if you don't communicate with your spouse, you can't get the results you desire. Which leads to frustration, dissatisfaction, and ultimately lands you in a position where the marriage seems irreparable. All of those little issues can build up into a load of resentment and ruin a perfectly good marriage. I think Steve and I do a good job of trying to tell each other how we feel and what we want, and the other tries to respond accordingly. You might create some friction at first, but having a little fight now is worth avoiding a lifetime of disappointment. Don't just accept that something will always "just be this way." It might not if you actually told your spouse and discussed it constructively to reach a solution. I think the real problem is that people just complain to their spouses about things and don't make a real effort to solve the problem. Or maybe they don't even really want to solve the problem. When you decide to bring an issue up, you should have a slate of solutions already brewing in your brain. Communication isn't complaining... it's discussing. That means it goes both ways and should have a constructive end of some kind. As an additional, related thought... don't complain to your friends about something your spouse does if you have not tried to address the behavior with your spouse. That just not fair, people. Give em a shot!
4. Have fun together. This one doesn't need much discussion. Just do what it says! This could be playing a game, or going to get a drink, or going to the zoo or amusement park. Laughing together can inject much-needed life into a stale marriage. Women don't rank "sense of humor" high on their list for no reason. It's not just important in dating... it's important in marriage! You should enjoy each other and be able to make each other laugh. The couple that laughs together... lasts.
5. Don't try to change each other... at least, not the big stuff. Part of marriage is that you are better with the person than without them. If you are worse with them, you are in the wrong marriage. You should never try to change the person that your spouse is... and you shouldn't expect that you can. If your spouse is an introvert, they will probably always be an introvert. You might be able to expand their horizons a bit, but they will never be a social butterfly. If you want a social butterfly, then marry one. Don't try to turn your spouse into something they aren't. This is not to say that you shouldn't try to make each other better people or that you shouldn't try to make adjustments to make your spouse happy. If your spouse continually drives you nuts with their smacking when they eat, by all means, tell them that it bothers you and you would appreciate it if they would try to stop doing that. And, spouse, you should try to change that small behavior to satisfy your spouse. Some adjustments in marriage are necessary - it's called compromise. Small compromises are totally worth it, and it is not unreasonable to change certain behaviors for your spouse or to expect them to do the same. But, choose your battles wisely. And, meet in the middle. Don't expect one spouse to do all the changing or compromising. It goes both ways... just like communication!
Go forth into your marriages armed with this knowledge, my friends, and you shall know success. (Or at least six years of it...)
