The Secret Life

Warning:  This entry is long.

So, if you haven't noticed, I've been a bit MIA for the last, oh... YEAR or so.  I have been a very bad blogger.  I don't think I can even call myself a blogger until I get some steady posting going on here!  Though I don't like to make excuses, I at least do have a reason that I wasn't blogging.

First of all, I don't like keeping secrets.  However, events that have transpired in the past 16 months have caused me to keep secrets from many, many people.  And, let me tell you, keeping secrets is hard work.  Especially when the things you are keeping secrets about are also hard work.  During that time, I soooo wanted to vent on my blog about what I was going through, but then, it was a secret and I couldn't do it.  My whole life was permeated with secrecy, and it seemed impossible to come up with anything to blog about besides those secret things... thus, writer's block and a bit of a conscious step away from blogging while I completed my secret mission.  But, now that the secrets are out in the open, I can finally talk about the past 16 months of my life!

Ok, as some readers may know, I recently "announced" that I'm making some HUGE changes in my life.  First of all, I'm quitting my job... and career entirely.  Second, I'm starting a PhD program... in a completely new field.  To top it all off, I'm moving halfway across the country.  Now, I will tell you my story...



Once upon a time, about 16 months ago, I came home from work after a particularly harrowing day.  I was in a really bad mood... in fact, my rage monster Rabia might have taken over my body completely by that point.  Let's just say Rabia was making quite frequent appearances in my life.  I don't remember exactly how it happened, but Steve and I got to the conversation point that, basically, I could not keep working at my job.  I was not happy, I did not enjoy my work, and it was taking a toll on my sanity... and, in turn, Steve's sanity.  So, I made the decision to start looking for something else.

First, I looked at legal jobs.  All the time, every day, I looked.  Occasionally, I found something I was qualified for... but never found anything that interested me.  I applied to a few jobs, but realized I was not excited about the prospect of ANY legal job.  I literally could not think of a position that would make me happy... only ones that would make me money and give me less hours of unhappy.  Eventually, I came to the realization that the reason I could not find a job I liked was because... I didn't like the law.  It wasn't that I didn't like my particular job... it was that I didn't like my chosen career, at all.

Let me tell you something... realizing that you chose the "wrong" career is kind of devastating.  Once you have that realization, you are faced with a decision:  either stay in your career and find a way to be the least miserable you can be, or find a new career.  Option one does not sound appealing, though it is definitely the easiest path.  Option two is terrifying for a number of reasons... most of all being the fact that you now have to figure out what you actually want to do.  This is not as easy as it sounds; after all, what you thought you wanted to do was wrong.  And, if you did not have some fortunate epiphany that "x" is what you want to do instead of your current career, then you are back at square one.  Then, when you figure that out, you aren't qualified for it.  Then, you realize all of the time, money, and effort it will take to get to where you want to go.  And, then, you feel like a failure for not "making it" in your chosen profession.  You even question whether you are capable of being happy in any profession in the universe... and question your own judgment on anything and everything... because, after all, you were wrong about one big thing, why not others?  And, the whole time, you are worrying what others will think of you when you tell them.

So, yeah, the past 16 months have been kind of like that ^

Anyway, onward in the story.  Initially, I thought I'd take a few years "off" and just do something personally enriching that I would enjoy... and which might lead to a job of some sort.  I thought of trying to actually write... or get into nonprofit management... both of which had local master's programs.  While looking into master's programs, I often talked with a friend who was a professor.  I always told her that I envied her job and that I regretted doing a JD instead of a PhD after school.  She asked why I couldn't just do a PhD now. I told her I felt like it was too late... I was too old.  She convinced me that I was not, in fact, too old and that many people start degree programs in their late 20s... and best of all, she told me that you get paid to get a PhD.  After some research, I realized that, yep, she was right.  And, that pipe dream that had always been nagging at the back of my brain... academia... started to become a viable option for me.  Once I had the PhD on the brain, it was just a matter of deciding what I wanted to study.

And, this led me to an epiphany that I feel most of us rarely have in our lives... where we realize that everything has been leading to something and can recognize and seize the opportunity to follow that path.  I realized, looking back on everything I'd done that I truly enjoyed, that it always involved education.  I had interned for the US Dept. of Education in undergrad, I wrote my major research paper for PoliSci on school choice policies, and my favorite course in law school was Education Law and Policy.  Any time I was given free rein to choose what to study, I chose education.  After speaking with a friend in a Higher Ed PhD program, he helped lead me to Sociology as an avenue to further my interest in studying education.  The more I read about it, the more I realized it was the right fit for me.  Once I had my ducks in a row, I talked to Steve about it.  And, he had the same epiphany that I did:  "this is perfect for you; you would be so happy doing this."

Okay, so this all took place from about February to May of last year.  So, in May, I decided to start studying for the GRE and researching programs... to apply for admission in a couple of years... not right now.  But, with Steve's term job ending this fall, he told me to go ahead and "go for it".  The timing was right, so I changed gears in June or so and started preparing in earnest to apply that fall.  I took the GRE in July, then started putting together a final list of schools in August.  I researched every school in the universe and eventually got a final list of 15 programs.  I spent weeks on admissions essays, securing letters of recommendation, getting transcripts, putting together spreadsheets of each school's deadlines, fees, and requirements.  I even took a second job to pay for all of the application fees... which helped offset the costs but took up a lot of my free time.  Applications were due in November, December, and January.  So, I did a few every week.  It was a ton of work, and I vacillated between feeling empowered and feeling defeated.  But, on a day in January, I submitted my last application, and it was a fantastic feeling.  Then, it was just compulsive email checking for admission results... for months.

Now, I know I talked about secrets.  Here's where they come in.  This ENTIRE TIME, no one in Steve's or my family knew I was applying.  Most of my friends didn't know.  My coworkers didn't know.  Very few people knew.  With such big changes possible, I wanted to be 100% sure of my future before upsetting anything in my "current" life.  We decided we would tell people, beginning with our families, after I got in somewhere.  So, for over a year, I kept all of this secret from those closest to me.  It was really hard, especially since the process of applying took up a large part of my time and sanity.

Then... I got in somewhere.  Then, I got in more places.  In the end, I was admitted to five different programs... all incredible choices, any one of which I would have been thrilled with.  All of this excitement was dampened by the crippling fear of telling people, especially my family.  I kept putting off the announcement, and eventually, I decided I had to tell them before I visited my first school.  So, I bit the bullet and told my mom.  She was incredibly upset about it, as I knew she would be.  She began to warm up a bit, or at least got better at hiding her unhappiness over the situation.  I knew that my family was only upset that I was moving away from them, and that they wanted me to be happy, even if they did not want me to leave.  They still are not "happy" about it, but they are happy for me and realize what an accomplishment and huge step this is for me in my life.

I visited three of the schools where I was admitted and had to take off work to do so.  So, more lies!  More secrets!  But at least by that point, my family knew and I could discuss it with them.  Then, eventually, my office found out, and now everyone knows!  And, I chose a school... and we have an apartment in our new city of Austin, Texas.  We are trying to sell our house, Steve is looking for a job, and I'm moving in less than 6 weeks!

So many people have asked me why I'm leaving the law.  First, it's because I'm unhappy.  Second, it's because I think I will like something else better.  And, third, it's because I don't want to regret not trying.  I don't want to be one of those people... and lawyers know them more than anyone... because the law probably has more of these than most professions:  the people who wish they could do something else.  I don't want to be 50 and stuck in a career I hate, wondering if I would have been happier doing something else.  My fear of failure, even "perceived" failure, almost kept me from giving this a shot.  I didn't want to admit that I had made a mistake.  But, Steve asked me... "If, at the end of this, you can't find a job as a professor, will you regret doing it?"  And, the answer was no.  No, I won't regret taking charge of my life.  I want to decide my own fate, whatever it may be.

And, most of all, I want to live with no regrets.  What's the point of this life?  To me, it's happiness.  And, part of that is having a job that I enjoy.  Because, let's face it, work consumes a large part of our lives.  And, unhappiness at work bleeds into unhappiness at home.  And, before you know it, Rabia has taken over your entire life.  Wait, that's my rage monster, not yours... but you get the idea.

My brother's far-too-early departure from this world taught me that we just don't know how much time we have... so we better make the most of it.  And, I want you to know, little brother... I am making the most of mine.


And she lived happily ever after... The End.*



*Don't worry... I'll be back... and hopefully on a more frequent basis now!