I feel like I owe "The Hills" an apology...

To "The Hills" and all other fake reality shows out there:  I'm sorry.

I watched The Hills once... yes, once.  It was so terrible, I couldn't bring myself to watch another episode.  I understand that it was terrible in a must-see-tv kind of way, but still, it was just one bandwagon I never jumped on.  Now, NYC Prep - that was an awesome guilty pleasure reality show.  That show was so ridiculous, I laughed insanely at every episode.  I still don't know if it was supposed to be funny...  But, back to The Hills.  I didn't like it because it didn't seem at all like reality.  It was so staged, it made it difficult to watch as "reality" television.  And, after hearing the stars discussing how they reenacted scenes and made certain occurrences more dramatic for taping, I decided I was happy with my decision to forgo that particular reality show.  And, really, all other "reality" shows that aren't real.  I thought, that's not reality.  How can you call it a reality show when it's not real?!


I made the assumption, however, that a reality show would be improved by actually reflecting reality.  I assumed that people wanted to see "reality"... that I wanted to see reality.  I wanted real reality.

Well, tonight, I saw a real reality show, and it was terrible.  Absolutely terrible!

The show was Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition.  Now, the show itself isn't completely "real", to be sure.  They say the guy stays with the people for 3 months and lives with them... I don't believe it.  They don't really mention the fact that they pay for the contestants' healthy food for the year-long show.  They dump all these resources in the person's lap and help them lose weight at an unnatural pace.  Now, it's more realistic than The Biggest Loser, but still, it skirted the delicate balance between reality and tv production pretty well.  I admit that I enjoyed watching someone lose 200 pounds over the course of a one-hour TV show.  I loved seeing the people emerge at their reveal and show that happy ever after.  In reality, it's incredibly difficult to lose weight as quickly and as successfully as these people do, but it's inspiring to see it happen... and America loves a good success story.  We love rooting for the underdog... overcoming obstacles, persevering, accomplishing their goals.  It makes us feel good inside to see it happen.

You know what doesn't make you feel good inside?  Seeing the underdog fail.  This week's episode of Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition featured a 490 pound man.  In the first 3 months, the guy lost 110 pounds, putting him at 380 pounds.  Yay!  Go, guy, go!  We love to see that.  In the second 3 months, he struggled and only lost 20 pounds, putting him at 360.  But, still, positive progress... struggling to overcome obstacles... just enough reality sprinkled in to make it relate-able to viewers.  Over the next three months... the guy gained back over 60 pounds.  He was eating fast food every day, not working out, sneaking around behind his wife's back to cheat on his diet, not sticking to the program... and he even admitted he had become suicidal because he felt worthless and felt like a failure at everything he did.  So, the trainer on the show decided he was beyond his help because he was so addicted to food... and the trainer took him to a food addict rehab facility and left.  That was the end.  No reveal, no weight loss story, just a guy losing weight, then gaining most of it back because he was addicted to food.

At first, I kind of thought... hmm, well, I guess they can't have every episode be a big successful weight loss story.  Then, I was kind of mad that I didn't get to see what I tuned into the show to see.  It's called Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition.  There was barely any weight loss, and there was definitely no extreme makeover!  I told Steve that this would be like Extreme Makeover: Home Edition saying "Sorry poor people, we're not building you a house, after all!"  Can you imagine Extreme Makeover: Home Edition with no house?!  No, because it's ridiculous!  (After reading this out loud to Steve, his comical reaction:  "Move that bus!  No, don't move that bus!  Because there's no house!")

This made me decide that I don't actually want reality in my reality shows.  Is it realistic that someone who is morbidly obese turns right back to their old ways the second they aren't being monitored, and gains the weight back?  Yes, that is totally realistic.  But it's terrible television!  No one wants to see a suicidal, depressed, food addict on these kinds of shows.  They want to see someone overcoming the death of their father and losing 200 pounds and going from zero to hero in an hour flat!  These shows are supposed to be inspirational!

It's just like how everyone got so mad when The Bachelor turned down both of his choices.  Is it realistic that a person will not find love among 20 preselected contestants over the course of 8 weeks?  Yes.  But, again, no one wants to see that!  They want to see the love, even if it's a sham.  It's the same reason women on Survivor now are given toiletries to shave their legs and armpits.  No one wants to see women's hairy legs on TV every week, no matter how realistic.

So, I feel like I have to apologize to The Hills.  Even though, I still think it was a terrible TV show, I admit that I can no longer discount it for its lack of reality.  I think I always knew that the general public didn't want to see actual reality... but I never suspected that I didn't want to see actual reality.  I thought what would improve reality television, what would make me like it, and what it really lacked, was "reality"... but, I guess it must be something else...

27 Holidays

Well, my birthday was this weekend.  And, I was true to my word and spent it almost exactly as I said I would.  It was a pretty ordinary day, with just enough special touches to recognize the "occasion."  I went to the gym Saturday morning, like usual.  Then, we went out to eat, and I got my crab legs just like I wanted.  We then picked up ridiculously huge cupcakes, some champagne, and a Redbox movie.  After watching the movie, I did laundry and played my new Harry Potter Wii game (I turned 27, not 12, incidentally...).  My birthday "celebration" ended the next day, on Sunday night, when I went to see The Little Mermaid musical at the local theater with my mom, aunt, and cousin (again, I swear, 27!).  This weekend was just as ordinary as it was "special," and you know what?  I enjoyed it!  I also enjoyed getting carded at the grocery store... which, sadly, hasn't happened in a while.

Some people kind of "apologized" to me for how I was spending my birthday, or thought I was complaining when I explained what I was doing.  I was like, "No, this is actually what I want to do!"  It's the same thing with our anniversary.  Steve told someone at work that we were going to see Harry Potter for our anniversary.  She told him he needed to buy me diamonds.  He had to explain to her that I really wanted to go see Harry Potter and didn't want diamonds.  I don't think she believed him, still.  What is so hard to believe, really?

I think I just have no special attachment to holidays... except Christmas... I love Christmas.  Other holidays?  I don't really care to celebrate anything but Thanksgiving... and I don't care about doing it on Thanksgiving.  I just really like stuffing.  I could live without New Year's, Valentine's Day, Easter, Independence Day, Halloween, and whatever other holidays people celebrate.  I stopped celebrating Halloween the moment my mother agreed I didn't have to go trick-or-treating anymore.  I begged to stay home and hand out candy.  So, in 6th grade, I got my wish.  And, I've never dressed up again since.  I also ask Steve not to get me anything for Valentine's Day.  More than once, my only Valentine's Day request has been to eat at Chipotle.  I'm a romantic, what can I say?

I'd love to say that the reason I don't like holidays is because of the commercialization by corporate America, or that it's against my religion, or some other equally lofty excuse.  Alas, the only thing I can come up with is that I must just not care.  I really don't understand the fun of Halloween, the romance of Valentine's Day, or the concept of celebrating the first day of the year on a calendar we invented.  I am Christian and understand the importance of Easter, but, again, it's just an arbitrary day.  No one is really in agreement as to when the "actual" date was, and I figure I celebrate the Resurrection through my faith every day.  I'm fine with a special church service, but I don't need Easter candy, a card, or a big meal on that particular Sunday.  I am also American and understand the significance of celebrating our independence.  I just think it's kind of become an excuse to barbecue and watch fireworks (both things that I enjoy).  I have no attachment to doing those things on that particular day, except that it's what I've always done.  I feel like I'm celebrating our independence every day simply by doing the things I want to do.  That's what independence is all about, right?  I feel no more patriotic on July 4 than any other day of the year, so why should I have to pretend?

I will say that I dislike "recognition" days, like Mother's Day, Father's Day, Grandparent's Day, and such.... simply because I really feel like these are made-up holidays.  If someone is important enough for their own "day", you should probably be recognizing them all the time in some way.  I argue that designating a "day" for recognition gives you an excuse to not recognize them the rest of the year; just save it all for the one day.  It's like... "Oh, Mom, I guess I should do nice things for you today because it's Mother's Day."  When it should be more like... "Oh, Mom, I do nice things for you on a regular basis because I love and appreciate you every day."  And, just remember, every holiday we create probably inches the divorce rate up a bit... the more holidays you have, the more you have for a spouse to forget, and for the other spouse to feel unappreciated or resentful.  Also, family gatherings can cause a lot of stress and drama, and bring up deep-rooted, recurring intrafamily issues.  Those all sound like pretty good excuses reasons to dislike "made-up" holidays to me.

I am, however, all for any holiday that causes me to get a day off of work.  It doesn't mean I have to actually celebrate it or like celebrating it... I am still happy those holidays exist.  But, any holiday that the government gets off, but I don't... I hate those holidays.  I get off work = love.  Courthouse closed, but I'm still at work = hate.  These holidays include Martin Luther King Jr. Day, Lincoln's Birthday, Washington's Birthday, Truman's Birthday, Columbus Day, Veteran's Day.  Yes, I looked these up on the Missouri courts website; so what?  It never fails that I go down to the county courthouse on one of these days to file something, and the stupid thing is closed.  Then, I have wasted a trip and gotten irritated by the fact that there are people who get off work that day.  I tell myself that all of the court employees hate their jobs, and that makes me feel a little better.  Until I realize that means they are enjoying that day off all the more because they hate their jobs.  Then, bitterness resurfaces.  It's a sad day when I am envious of the court employees.  (No offense to the court employees who love their jobs... I'm sure you exist.  Like narwhals... I never knew they were real, either!)

Seriously?  These exist?  I still barely believe it.

"All Natural" Genetically Enhanced Super-Chickens

An acquaintance of mine, let's call her "Brillo," often mentions that she only buys "all natural" food and only feeds her child "all natural" food.  She would sometimes comment to me about the wonders of "all natural" food and how much better it is for you.  Eventually, I suppose I got sick of hearing about the "artificial" stuff in my frozen foods, and when I saw an "all natural" version of my frozen healthy meals, I decided to give it a whirl.  Even Brillo was impressed when I told her about my "all natural" lunches.  "Oh, those are so much better for you."

After eating my "all natural" lunch, I was not really surprised to find that it tasted exactly like the regular version.  Wondering what possibly made it "all natural", I perused the ingredients list in search of the culprit.  Imagine my surprise when, listed among the ingredients, are things like "mushroom powder," "pasteurized milk," or "chicken meat (contains soy)".  I get that things like milk have to undergo a certain amount of processing just to be sold in stores, like pasteurization.  I understand that "mushroom powder" comes from mushrooms.  "Chicken meat (contains soy)" is a little more of a mystery, but if it's just chicken and soy, I guess it's technically still "all natural" even if it naturally alters the chicken with soy to save money.  

But, what I'm left trying to figure out is what level of processing eliminates the label "all natural."  How much does man have to interfere before something is no longer considered "all natural"?  How much interference can that label tolerate?  Is cheese all natural?  Man has to make it through a special process, after all.  Is pasta all natural?  Man makes that, and the ingredients have to go through multiple levels of "processing" to get to the finished product.  Granted, these things are made from "all natural" ingredients, but isn't everything natural at some level?  Chemical food additives, hormones injected into chickens, pesticides, preservatives... everything technically comes from the earth, no matter how much man manipulates it.  I'm sure the argument is that things like hormones, preservatives, and pesticides are not "naturally" found in the food, and therefore that is the distinction.  By injecting hormones into a chicken, you are making an "all natural" chicken inherently unnatural.  Even though they are naturally-occurring hormones that were simply increased to alter the size of the chicken. Still, the chicken was "manipulated" by man to some magic threshold extent that the chicken can no longer be considered natural.  However, pasteurizing milk doesn't meet the magic threshold, apparently.  And, adding natural "flavoring" seems like an oxymoron to me, but then, I don't make the food labels.  Just where is that magic threshold?

This seriously bugged me enough to actually look into what "all natural" means.  I knew that terms like "organic," "non-fat," "low-fat," etc. had legal meanings, so I was curious as to the requirements for "all natural."  Surprise!  "All natural" doesn't exist!  Well, not legally, anyway.  The FDA actually discourages companies from using the term "all natural" because it is misleading to consumers.  There have been articles written on how vague and random the usage of "all natural" is in the food industry.  And, the fact that the term isn't regulated, means that the actual meaning of the term depends on the company using it.  "All natural" to one company might include foods that another company doesn't consider "all natural."  In short, "all natural" is an arbitrary label with no real meaning that companies use to make you believe their product is better.  You mean, companies are purposely misleading consumers for their own monetary gain?  What a novel concept!  

Now, of course, companies don't want to push the envelope too far, which is why things like artificial sweeteners will never be listed on "all natural" food packages.  They simply have to know what level of "artificial" consumers will tolerate, or at least won't notice.  "Mushroom powder" sounds pretty natural - I mean, it's basically just mushrooms.  Until you think how much technology went into making those mushrooms into powder.  They were probably not naturally-occurring mushrooms plucked from nature... they were probably planted, harvested, cleaned, dried, and sorted by machines, artificially dehydrated and ground in a big factory.  Your grandma wasn't drying these mushrooms on her front porch and grinding them with a mortar and pestle.  I actually just laughed out loud at the idea of some little old grandma grinding away at those mushrooms!

I am in no way saying that "all natural" is a bad thing or trying to discourage those who put stock in the term "all natural" - I admit I will buy "all natural" when available since I figure it at least has to be better for you than the regular kind in some way, even if only marginally.  I am just fascinated by the concept of it all.  The "philosophy" behind it, so to speak.  I will repeat it: just where is that magic threshold that transforms the natural into the unnatural?  What set of criteria do we use to judge our food?  And, among those criteria, are some more important than others?  Are there bright line rules or tolerance thresholds?  If something contains saccharin, is it automatically unnatural?  Preservatives?  What if those preservatives are natural, like salt?  Is using natural means to preserve food beyond its natural shelf life, perhaps, still unnatural?  Is the act of man planting food and tending to it unnatural in itself, as opposed to naturally-occurring foods?   What about fish farms?  Genetically engineered produce?


I guess my point it... I don't think there can be a definition for "all natural" because I think it is almost impossible to create a definition that can be uniformly applied, such as ones for "organic" or "non-fat."  For something to be organic, it has to meet certain farming practice guidelines.  For something to be non-fat, it has to have less than 1 gram of fat per serving.  But, "all natural"?  The guidelines would be so exhaustive that they would be ridiculous.  Technology and scientific advancement have become so intertwined with our food that it becomes increasingly difficult to define what is "natural" anymore.  Some processes have been around for so long and are so common to us, that we don't even think about the fact that we, as man, have created these processes.  If we created a race of genetically enhanced super-chickens that were as big as turkeys and grew at 10x the normal rate, after 100 years or so, these chickens would probably be considered natural to most people.  They would be breeding on their own, and they would be these chickens from birth, with no interference from man whatsoever.  Sure, if you traced back their lineage to their inception... man created them... but at that point, what would that really mean anymore?


To conclude my post, I think I just want to reiterate a sentiment I expressed in a previous post:  "It seems that the more immersed I get in technology and convenience, the more I feel that I need to get away from it to feel like myself."  I think this is becoming increasingly true for the human race in general.  The more we rely on technology and the more it permeates our society, the more we want to reject and escape it.  And I think this is most apparent in the trends we are seeing in our perception of food.  People want "organic", "all natural", "locally grown", "free range", "hormone-free", "farmers markets", "micro-farming".  And, they will pay more for simpler food.  Basically, they are paying to not have the technology.  Kind of an interesting observation, I think.  And, thus, the proliferation of the term "all natural."  People will pay more to see it on the box because of what they believe it means.  So, next time you buy "all natural", make sure you look at the ingredients list before you pay that extra fifty cents...

Swallowed Up by Summer

I realize I have been MIA for quite a while in the blogosphere (I really like that word).  The only explanation I have is that I have been swallowed up by summer.

For children, summer is a time of no commitments, sleeping in, playing all day, and just plain getting bored.  Even for some adults, it is full of vacations, long weekends, short workdays, "working from home".  I really want to know what companies these people work for.  Seriously.  I have seen so many people write on Facebook that they are working "summer hours" (what are those!?), or working from home, or having a 3-day weekend.  Perhaps the Unicorn Wonderland of Fairytale Professions is hiring...

For most people, myself included, summer is where your free time goes to die.  It seems like summer is the time when you could actually use the free time but can never seem to find it.  I guess that's why people do "spring cleaning" and not "summer cleaning."  No time to do it in the summer!

In the summer, the weather is beautiful and the sunshine beckons to you to come out and play.  It's the time for picnics, barbecues, the zoo, al fresco dining, theme parks, trips to the lake, even just sitting outside on your patio.  Anything that takes place outside... summer is the best, and sometimes only, time for it.  If only you could find the time for the things you want to do between all of your other commitments!  Weddings, family reunions, holidays, graduation parties, on and on.  I guess everyone else realizes that summer is the best time for most things, as well.

Back in the spring, I remember that my husband Mr. Social Chair told me his goal for the summer was to "do something with other people every week."  I told him my goal was to "have at least one free weekend."  Last weekend, I finally got my free weekend!  Hooray!  I used it to catch up on all of the things I have been needing to do and haven't had the time to... mostly household chores, sadly.  For about 2 months straight, I swear we had a commitment every single weekend.  Sometimes they were "fun" commitments, but commitments nonetheless.  Maybe I am a fun-hater, but even fun commitments are exhausting and I often begrudge them the loss of my free time just as much as a boring commitment.  Anything that eats into my free time is seen as the enemy.  Is it so much to ask to have two full days of relaxation and being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want, with no prior commitments?  I don't think so.  That is all I want in the summer, and it is what I can rarely get.  Sigh.

Now that the 4th is over, however, July is a wide-open month of zero commitments.  It is a glorious month, indeed.  My birthday is this weekend, and my wedding anniversary is the next, but I have no plans for either.  And, I am loving it!  I told Steve I wanted to at least do something for my birthday, and I decided I probably want to go pig out on crab legs somewhere.  He said that maybe we can invite another couple, and you know what?  I don't even want to invite anyone to my birthday feast (except maybe Steve, of course).  I just want to sit down and eat ungodly amounts of crab legs, then go home, lazy around the house and go to bed by 11.  And for our anniversary?  I want to see the new Harry Potter movie.  That's it.  I don't even have a desire to make actual plans to see it... I just want to see it at some point.

I think all of the busy-ness of May and June has caused me to avoid making plans of any kind because they are just overwhelming and saddening to me at this point... like I'm in a cage.  I want no plans.  No commitments.  Care-free, spontaneous summer.  Maybe we will actually find time to finish unpacking boxes from when we moved 8 months ago, or maybe I will actually organize my closets, or cook a real meal more than once a week... or, gasp, do some recreational writing.  Who knows?  Anything is possible in The Land of No Commitments.

I may have been swallowed up by summer, but it has now spit me out again.  I hope I left a bitter taste in its mouth, because I would really enjoy if it didn't catch up with me again this year.