Not Faster.

I feel like, in today's world, we are obsessed with making things faster.  Shortcuts.  Time savers.  Anything to add a few more minutes to our days.  In this pursuit, people change their behaviors and create inventions to make their lives easier and save that most precious commodity -- time.  But, I have found that many of the things that are supposed to be "faster" actually... aren't.  This amuses me, so I thought I would make a list.  Who would have thought?

Things that are supposed to be faster... but aren't:

1.  Drive-thrus.  Supposedly, people drive through a restaurant because they don't actually have time to get out of their car and walk the 20 feet across the parking lot to order in person.  But, oftentimes, people end up waiting in the drive-thru lane far longer than they would have waited inside.  I understand that some people just don't want to unload their kids or whatever, but, let's face it... most people are just lazy and don't want to get out of their cars when they could have someone just hand them their orders right in the comfort of their car.  I particularly enjoy the Starbucks drive-thru on the way to work.  The line is all the way out into the street and blocks the parking lot.  So, I will park across the street and still emerge far before when I would have gotten through the line in the drive-thru.  I always feel this smug sense of satisfaction and feel like I somehow cheated the system by being faster than the drive-thru.  Then, I feel better than all of the suckers sitting in their cars watching me walk back to my car with my delicious beverage.  I have found that the drive-thru only comes in handy when it's freezing cold outside.  It might not save time, but at least it saves warmth.

Don't do it!  It's a trap!

2. Backing into parking spaces. Ok, this is another car one. If you are a backer-inner, I'm sorry, but I just don't get it. I see people at work back into their garage spaces, and I wonder "why?". I understand that it allows you to just pull out immediately from your space when you leave, thus saving precious seconds that might otherwise be spent in the car. But you just spent even more time than you saved trying to back and align your car into the space. So, really, you are not netting any time savings. You are probably wasting more time backing your car into the space than you are possibly saving. Especially in my parking garage. It's not a huge garage. You aren't going to have a rush of people at 5:00 gunning for the exit and blocking your path. You can back out. It's not hard. My mom explained that people don't want to waste any time getting home from work... but don't mind wasting time getting to work. Guess that makes sense in a way. But, still not an actual time saver.

Just... no.

3. Self check out. First, old people should not be allowed to use self check out. Neither should children. Nor obnoxious people with 30 items when the sign clearly says 20 or less. Even with 20 items, I would venture a guess that self check out will not save you any time. Self check out allows you to speed past the long grocery lines and check yourself out. Doing things yourself saves time, right? Avoiding those lines is worth it, right? Wrong. Most of the time. I've noticed that when the regular lines are long, the self check out line is just as long. And, people are slower. Checkers check people out for a living. That is what they do. They are check out experts, so to speak. Have you seen how fast they can type in those produce codes? The cans whiz by the scanner with astonishing speed. Now, have you seen people checking themselves out? The attendant is coming over and showing them how to type in the produce code. They are coming over to check their IDs. They are voiding a double scan. People are struggling with the concept of "bagging" vs. "skipping the bag". You see them put an item in the bag, then take it out, then back in... trying to figure out how to beat the machine. Then, of course, are the people with a shopping cart full of items. There are times when self check out saves time, and a full cart is not one of them. Do you seriously believe you can scan those items faster than the check out person? No friggin way. When is self check out worth it? When you have less than 10 items, none of them are alcohol or weight-valued produce items, and you actually know how to work the dang machine. If you don't know how to work it, don't pick a busy Saturday afternoon as the time to start. For your own bodily safety and my mental health... please just... don't.

If you drive slower than I walk, you are not allowed to use the self check out.

4. Barcode apps on the iPhone. I don't know what they're called. I don't have an iPhone. I just always see people scanning their phones instead of using a credit card, and I have only seen this transaction operate smoothly once. Most of the time it takes a few scans, or the person doesn't get their little app up ahead of time... so it ends up saving no time over swiping a credit card. My favorite is watching the person try to scan their phone... then after failing, the counter worker takes it and tries. In the time it takes to scan the dang phone, you could have swiped their card, my card, and the person's behind me. And, then I'm a grumpy bear. Because, like I said before... we all value our precious time. Go, go, go! Actually, I feel like a lot of apps are wastes of time... but, man, do people love a gimmick! But, that's a blog for another time...

There is just something unsettling about this to me.  The machines are plotting their uprising.

5. Calculators... for simple math. When it comes to simple math, calculators are a huge waste of time. Unless you can speed type, or just don't know math, I suppose. This makes me feel old... but "kids these days" rely way too much on calculators! I don't know how many times I have been with someone and, when faced with a simple math question, they whip out their smartphone to type in the numbers. I say the answer before they are done, and they are like "how did you know that so fast?" Well, you see, I used my brain, which is faster than your stupid smartphone. Smartbrain > smartphone. God forbid we exert ourselves to use our brains! Seriously? You just used your phone to calculate 20% of $25.00? Something like that takes even longer because inevitably you have to know that 20% is actually .20. Adds a whole other layer to the thing. And, if you are adding 2 numbers under 50 on your smartphone, I feel like I should unfriend you on principle. It's a little ridiculous... I'm just saying. I'm sorry if you are just genuinely awful at math and can't do simple math in your head. I'm sure you are much better than me at drawing... or sewing... or physics... or some other activity that I do particularly crappily. Actually, I guess if you were bad at math, you would probably also be bad at physics. Sorry.

Unfriended.

Amazing Domestic Goddess Extraordinaire

Tonight, I got home from work at 6:15.  Then, I went to the grocery store with a list.  And, this list included more than just frozen dinners... it was based on recipes for multiple meals.  I know, I'm in shock, too.  Read on. When I got home, I actually made dinner.  Yes, in shock again.  Baked falafel with cucumbers from my mom's garden and homemade tahini sauce... and bacon-wrapped dates.  After I ate dinner, I made a kale zucchini quiche.  This, alone, is pretty impressive for a weeknight in my house.  But, while that was baking, I made sesame noodles with napa cabbage... so I could have homemade lunches for the week.  Pick up your jaw...if you can.  After the quiche was done, I baked zucchini raisin muffins from scratch.  And, they are AWESOME.  That's right, I'm an amazing domestic goddess extraordinaire.  I didn't even watch any TV tonight.  Or play on the internet (until now...).  If you know me, your head is probably exploding right about now.

Though, I didn't wash my dishes... so... at least I know an alien hasn't taken over my body.  In general, I am pretty lazy and domestically challenged.  Don't get me wrong... I am a pretty good cook and an awesome baker.  I just have problems motivating myself to do anything when I get home from work.  I admit that I am an awful housekeeper and gardener.  I don't even try to pretend that I am good at those things.   Usually, my evening consists of coming home from work between 6 and 6:30... eating some kind of frozen or fast dinner... and watching TV and messing around on my computer for hours on end.  If dishes even get taken from the basement (where we inevitably eat every night) to the kitchen, it's an accomplishment.

I always have grand ideas about what my evenings will be like.  "I will get home, make a delicious, healthy, well-balanced meal, do two loads of laundry, do the dishes, organize my closet, weed the flower beds, and do the work that I brought home." Then, I get home.  And, none of that happens.  Ever.

But, every once in a while, an anomaly occurs.  Like tonight.  I blame credit my ADD.  Ok, so, I've never been "diagnosed" with ADD, but I totally have it.  Ask my husband.  He knows all  about it.  The other day, we were in the car, and I was yakking and being my normal self... and he was like "Ok, how did you just go through 4 unrelated topics and end up singing a random song, all within 30 seconds?"  Yeah, that's me!  Anyway, so, most of the time, I cannot bring myself to start or finish tasks, even when I make a plan.  It all goes to heck once I actually try to do it.  I start with the best intentions, but never see many results.  I think of something I'd rather be doing... and I go do that instead.  Like, the other day when I was doing some work at home... I randomly thought, Hmm, I wonder where my achievement certificates from law school are.  So, off I went to search for them for 30 minutes.  Then, inevitably, it led to other random things and I never got back to the work.  Organization and foresight are not my friends.  I'd like them to be, but they are kind of like the people whose names I can't remember... which is awkward, so I avoid them.  Ok, so how did this lead to my domestic divinity tonight?  Well, you see... along with the disorganization of ADD comes this wonderful thing called hyperfocus.  Yes, this is real.  When I'm doing something that I'm really interested in, I can do it for a long time without realizing how much time has gone by.  So, tonight, I cooked for over 3 hours straight.  Usually this hyperfocus is wasted on the internet, romance novels, or something equally useless.  But, every once in a while, I can direct my focus on something useful.  Problem is, I am not often interested in useful activities!  Who is?

Oh... probably successful people...