Not Faster.

I feel like, in today's world, we are obsessed with making things faster.  Shortcuts.  Time savers.  Anything to add a few more minutes to our days.  In this pursuit, people change their behaviors and create inventions to make their lives easier and save that most precious commodity -- time.  But, I have found that many of the things that are supposed to be "faster" actually... aren't.  This amuses me, so I thought I would make a list.  Who would have thought?

Things that are supposed to be faster... but aren't:

1.  Drive-thrus.  Supposedly, people drive through a restaurant because they don't actually have time to get out of their car and walk the 20 feet across the parking lot to order in person.  But, oftentimes, people end up waiting in the drive-thru lane far longer than they would have waited inside.  I understand that some people just don't want to unload their kids or whatever, but, let's face it... most people are just lazy and don't want to get out of their cars when they could have someone just hand them their orders right in the comfort of their car.  I particularly enjoy the Starbucks drive-thru on the way to work.  The line is all the way out into the street and blocks the parking lot.  So, I will park across the street and still emerge far before when I would have gotten through the line in the drive-thru.  I always feel this smug sense of satisfaction and feel like I somehow cheated the system by being faster than the drive-thru.  Then, I feel better than all of the suckers sitting in their cars watching me walk back to my car with my delicious beverage.  I have found that the drive-thru only comes in handy when it's freezing cold outside.  It might not save time, but at least it saves warmth.

Don't do it!  It's a trap!

2. Backing into parking spaces. Ok, this is another car one. If you are a backer-inner, I'm sorry, but I just don't get it. I see people at work back into their garage spaces, and I wonder "why?". I understand that it allows you to just pull out immediately from your space when you leave, thus saving precious seconds that might otherwise be spent in the car. But you just spent even more time than you saved trying to back and align your car into the space. So, really, you are not netting any time savings. You are probably wasting more time backing your car into the space than you are possibly saving. Especially in my parking garage. It's not a huge garage. You aren't going to have a rush of people at 5:00 gunning for the exit and blocking your path. You can back out. It's not hard. My mom explained that people don't want to waste any time getting home from work... but don't mind wasting time getting to work. Guess that makes sense in a way. But, still not an actual time saver.

Just... no.

3. Self check out. First, old people should not be allowed to use self check out. Neither should children. Nor obnoxious people with 30 items when the sign clearly says 20 or less. Even with 20 items, I would venture a guess that self check out will not save you any time. Self check out allows you to speed past the long grocery lines and check yourself out. Doing things yourself saves time, right? Avoiding those lines is worth it, right? Wrong. Most of the time. I've noticed that when the regular lines are long, the self check out line is just as long. And, people are slower. Checkers check people out for a living. That is what they do. They are check out experts, so to speak. Have you seen how fast they can type in those produce codes? The cans whiz by the scanner with astonishing speed. Now, have you seen people checking themselves out? The attendant is coming over and showing them how to type in the produce code. They are coming over to check their IDs. They are voiding a double scan. People are struggling with the concept of "bagging" vs. "skipping the bag". You see them put an item in the bag, then take it out, then back in... trying to figure out how to beat the machine. Then, of course, are the people with a shopping cart full of items. There are times when self check out saves time, and a full cart is not one of them. Do you seriously believe you can scan those items faster than the check out person? No friggin way. When is self check out worth it? When you have less than 10 items, none of them are alcohol or weight-valued produce items, and you actually know how to work the dang machine. If you don't know how to work it, don't pick a busy Saturday afternoon as the time to start. For your own bodily safety and my mental health... please just... don't.

If you drive slower than I walk, you are not allowed to use the self check out.

4. Barcode apps on the iPhone. I don't know what they're called. I don't have an iPhone. I just always see people scanning their phones instead of using a credit card, and I have only seen this transaction operate smoothly once. Most of the time it takes a few scans, or the person doesn't get their little app up ahead of time... so it ends up saving no time over swiping a credit card. My favorite is watching the person try to scan their phone... then after failing, the counter worker takes it and tries. In the time it takes to scan the dang phone, you could have swiped their card, my card, and the person's behind me. And, then I'm a grumpy bear. Because, like I said before... we all value our precious time. Go, go, go! Actually, I feel like a lot of apps are wastes of time... but, man, do people love a gimmick! But, that's a blog for another time...

There is just something unsettling about this to me.  The machines are plotting their uprising.

5. Calculators... for simple math. When it comes to simple math, calculators are a huge waste of time. Unless you can speed type, or just don't know math, I suppose. This makes me feel old... but "kids these days" rely way too much on calculators! I don't know how many times I have been with someone and, when faced with a simple math question, they whip out their smartphone to type in the numbers. I say the answer before they are done, and they are like "how did you know that so fast?" Well, you see, I used my brain, which is faster than your stupid smartphone. Smartbrain > smartphone. God forbid we exert ourselves to use our brains! Seriously? You just used your phone to calculate 20% of $25.00? Something like that takes even longer because inevitably you have to know that 20% is actually .20. Adds a whole other layer to the thing. And, if you are adding 2 numbers under 50 on your smartphone, I feel like I should unfriend you on principle. It's a little ridiculous... I'm just saying. I'm sorry if you are just genuinely awful at math and can't do simple math in your head. I'm sure you are much better than me at drawing... or sewing... or physics... or some other activity that I do particularly crappily. Actually, I guess if you were bad at math, you would probably also be bad at physics. Sorry.

Unfriended.