Our Newest Backyard Resident

So, yesterday we were out grilling in the yard, and I saw this huge spiderweb built between our fence and some plants.  It was one of those big Charlotte's Web-type things... about 3 feet wide, maybe.  It basically looked kind of like this:

I looked up the spider from Charlotte's Web, and it actually is in the same family as the spider in my yard... I will check each day for special messages from the spider... 

I got closer to take a look, and what was resting in the middle but this guy:

His body was almost the size of a dime, and his legs were long and creepy.  He was just sitting there in the middle, waiting for his prey to fall in his trap.  I say "he" even though I'm almost positive this is a female spider, and I am even more positive that she is going to hatch a billion eggs in my yard and fill my garden with her progeny.

Needless to say, I freaked out when I saw this thing.  I do NOT like creepy-crawlies, evidenced by the fact that I made an entire post about the worst creepy-crawlies.  I get this involuntary shudder in my body, and my gag reflex wants to kick in.  They gross me out.  Just thinking about it right now is making me kind of nervous.  

I was too afraid to kill the spider, as it was sitting on this huge web... and I was convinced that if I tried to kill it, it would fall off the web, and it might scurry into my house.  This was my line of thinking.  A "known" creepy-crawly is much less scary than an unknown one.  One sitting in its web in the plants:  safety.  One on the loose, possibly crawling in my bed:  scary.

So, I decided to look up what this nasty spider was.  I found out that it is a marbled orb weaver spider.  It is not aggressive to humans, though if it does bite you, it feels like a bee sting and won't really hurt you.  So, I decided to spare its life, mostly for the aforementioned reason that I didn't want to free it from its web and have it be on the loose.  I don't care how "safe" it is to humans, that thing is NOT crawling on me.  Plus, I am really weird about killing large bugs.  Small bugs are easy.  You just swat them with something and *poof* gone.  Large bugs are more resilient and "crunchier".  The crunching really grosses me out.  When I get a particularly large house centipede, it crunches when I kill it, and the sound makes me gag.  The worst crunchy creepy crawly in memory is this huge millipede that I saw crawling on our basement floor when I was down there using the computer in high school (seriously, it was like... 6 inches long and almost an inch wide).  It was like 1am, so I couldn't wake anyone up to come kill it.  So, I grabbed my dad's shoe and hit it.  And it didn't even crack its body armor!  I had to hit it like 5 or 6 times, and it was this huge gooey, crunchy mess.  Wow, it was nasty.  I would like to avoid repeating that experience for the rest of my life, if possible.

So, for now, Mr. Orb Weaver has a free pass to continue lording over my backyard with his giant web of death.  I think I shall call him Orby for short.  I read about someone who killed a mosquito and threw it on the spider's web, and she quickly consumed it.  I am anxious to try this with Orby... if he does not decide to relocate his web.  I will embrace his presence in my yard, as long as he stays on his web and doesn't try to infiltrate the house.  I guess, for the time being, I have a gigantic pet spider.  Yuck.  

Keep your friends close...




UPDATE:  Picture of the REAL Orby!  (or at least his underside... he won't face the camera, lol)

If I ran the world...

If I ran the world, I can think of a number of things I would do.  I decided to limit this list to 20 items, as I believe all lists should be nice, round numbers.  And, it is really unrealistic to believe anyone would read a list of more than 20 things.  Honestly, I figure most people read a 20-item list in multiple sittings.  Who has the attention span for a list this long?  Not I.  It took me 4 sittings just to write the dang thing.  As I thought of more things, I added on.  For everyone's benefit, I cut myself off at 20.  I reserve the right to make an entirely new post of additional items in the future.  These are just the first twenty to pop in my head... enjoy.
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1.  There would be no handles on doors that you are supposed to PUSH.  The necessity for this edict was confirmed by another attorney at the courthouse the other day.  They have a door there that has a big handle on it, but you push it open.  He grabbed the handle, shook the door, and told the clerk, "One day I'm going to come up here and take this damn handle off the door!"  I think this every time I go to my bank and pull the door handle and look like a doofus.

2.  $1 would be deducted from the price of a doctor's visit for every minute you have to sit in the waiting room past your appointment time.  If I want medical attention, I am simply at the mercy of my doctor's time management skills?  I call that extortion.

3.  Every street would have a bike lane so I wouldn't have to drive slowly behind cyclists until I can find room to go around.  Don't even get me started on cyclists following traffic laws...

4.  QT crushed ice would be the standard ice for every food and drink establishment.  Everyone knows it is the best kind of ice... why can't anyone else make it?  What DO they do to their ice to make it so soft and crunchable?

5.  It would be illegal to shut down more than one lane of an intersection at one time.  Reducing a 5-lane interstate down to 2 lanes is just asking for all kinds of badness and stupidity.

6.  If your flight got delayed more than 30 minutes for something other than weather conditions, your flight would be free... like with pizza delivery.  I understand that there are many reasons out of an airline's control that may be responsible for delayed flights.  I also understand the pizza guy might hit traffic.  Guess he'll leave earlier next time!

7.  The paperback version of a book would come out at the same time as the hardcover.  None of this "if you want to read the next book in the series right away, you must submit yourself to highway robbery" stuff.  I refuse to pay more than $10 for a book.  Unless it's a new Harry Potter...

8.  Movie theaters would have "adults only" days with no children allowed.  No, I am not against children.  I love kids.  I am simply against the effect children have on my viewing experience.  When I have my own children, I will not take them to anything but G and PG movies until they are in junior high, I pinkie swear it.

9.  Heck, everything would have "adults only" days.  We went to an "adults-only" resort for vacation this year.  I used to think "adults-only" meant topless sunbathing.  It actually means a completely relaxing, quiet vacation full of uninterrupted bliss.  I can only imagine the benefits of implementing the concept in other facets of life....  I will say it again; I do not hate kids.  I think even my parent friends can agree that there are just some times when kid-free is better...

10.  No restaurants or coffee shops would close before 7pm.  I can think of more than 5 places within walking distance of my house that close after lunch.  Not cool.  I love nothing more than walking to the sandwich shop to pick up some dinner at 6, only to find out they close at 4.  Who closes a sandwich place at 4!?

11.  The zoo would be open until sundown.  Seriously, why can't I go to the zoo on a weeknight?!  Do the animals go to bed at 5:00?

12.  Stoplights would be timed appropriately.  No more hitting every stoplight on a major road.  I have two stoplights on my 8 block drive to work every morning.  They are timed perfectly so that when one turns green, the next one turns red right before you get to it.  Yes, I know 8 blocks is close enough to walk.  You walk in heels in 95 degrees.

13.  I would "work from home" every day.  I am not ashamed to admit that I am incredibly jealous of people who can work from home and actually think evil thoughts about them in my head when I see their Facebook status say "Working from home today ;)."  One day, I will have a job where I can work from home, and I will never post about it on Facebook.  That's called "empathy."

14.  I would not let wealthy people compete on shows that award prize money, unless they are playing for charity.  Who wants to root for a millionaire to win another million dollars?  Not I!

15.  I would bring back "exile" as a common form of punishment.  Not sure where I would exile people to... maybe fence in part of Russia or something.  I had to write a paper in a political theory class about what I thought the US should do with Saddam Hussein if they captured him (this was before we actually did, obviously), based on the texts we read in class.  I chose exile.  I won't go into my brilliant in-depth analysis of political theory that led me to that conclusion, but let's just say, it was the perfect punishment.  Bring it back!

16.  Cell phones would get reception at my parents' house.  You can go one mile in almost any direction from my parents' house and get perfect reception.  They live on a HILL.  Why can't you get cell phone reception there?  If you look at a cell phone reception map, I can point to the exact location of my parents' house because there is a tiny hole in the coverage right where they live.  When I go to their house, it's like I cease to exist to the rest of the world.  Which is not always a good thing.

17.  My title would be Supreme Overlord.  If that's a reference to something, I don't know what it is.  I just like the name and believe it fitting for the ruler of the world.  If it is a reference to something evil, I kind of apologize.  If it is a reference to something awesome, I knew it! 

18.  There would be "retirement communities" or "assisted-living facilities" for all ages.  I hear senior citizens talk about their communities, and I am genuinely jealous.  When I tell them that I wish I could live there, they kind of laugh at me.  But, I am totally serious!  I want someone to clean my apartment.  I wish someone cooked all my meals for me.  I wish I had country-club-style amenities at my doorstep.  These things are not just for the retired and elderly!  I could make an argument that working young people could benefit even more from these services than retired people.  This is my million-dollar idea, people!  "Active living communities" for all ages!  If you steal my idea, I will know.  Any backers?

19.  Routine check-ups would actually check you for things that may be wrong with you, instead of just telling you that your heart is beating and how much you weigh.  Maybe we could implement full-body scans for everyone!  I know these are supposedly costly, but I would be interested to know if giving everyone full-body scans and detecting problems early would cost less than not doing it and finding problems way late, thus incurring more costs in treatment.  Regardless, I would at least like a full body scan.  I am a hypochondriac.  I should check if my insurance would cover such a thing...

20.  Coins would no longer exist.  I am sick of my wallet being heavy because it's filled with change.  Why do we even have cash anymore?  How hard can it be to tie everyone's fingerprints to their bank accounts.  This would have a two-fold benefit.  People would always have money at their fingertips (pun-ny), and thefts would decrease exponentially.  Though, I guess the number of dismemberments may increase...

Too Fast to Live, Too Young to Die.

Before I get started with this post, I am issuing a general disclaimer upfront that this post is nothing like my usual lighthearted posts and is simply something weighing on my mind. 
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The title of today's blog is the quote that was on a t-shirt that I gave my little brother for his 16th birthday.  About two months after I gave him that t-shirt, he was killed in a car accident.  I remember feeling sick to my stomach thinking about  having given him that t-shirt... like I had been tempting fate in some way.  But, when my mom and I went through his stuff to pick out the "things" of his that we wanted to keep, that t-shirt was the one item of clothing that I felt I needed to hold on to.  Kind of a contradiction that the one thing that made me feel so disgusted was the one thing I wanted to keep.  But, the truth was, it was the last gift I had given him, and he had absolutely loved it.  It was totally "him" and I knew it was something that would forever remind me of who he was and the time we had together.

With that little explanation out of the way, there are two reasons that my brother is weighing on my mind, and one of them helped me decide to write this blog entry to get it off my chest.

Reason 1:  Monday night, an acquaintance of mine asked if I had any siblings.  I hesitated for a second, and then I said "No, it's just me."  I regretted my response and felt guilty immediately after I said it, and I started thinking of some way to tell her the truth the next time I saw her.  What would I say?  "You know how I said I had no siblings... yeah, that was a lie."  How ridiculous would that sound?  Who lies about that?  Me, that's who.  The truth is, I have always struggled and still struggle with what to say when people ask me that question.  I told my husband about it, and asked him what I should say.  He said "Say you have a brother, but he died."  I told him, "Do you know how terrible that sounds?!"  Seriously, when you tell someone something like that, people get this look on their face.  They automatically feel sorry for you and don't know what to say.  It's awkward for everyone, and frankly, I hate feeling like people feel sorry for me.  I hate feeling pitied.  Especially by people who barely know me and who definitely didn't know my brother.  And, then to have to say the obligatory "Oh, thanks" or "It's okay... it was a long time ago."  I just hate it.

I seriously rehearse scenarios in my head of what to say when someone asks me if I have a sibling, and I weigh the pros and cons of each.  Obviously, the easiest, least-explanation route is to say "No."  Then, comes the guilt trip about not recognizing my brother's existence and his importance in my life, which comes every time I use that explanation (like Monday night).  Sometimes I just say that "Yes, I have a brother."  But, then when people ask about him, I have to inevitably explain, which can sometimes be even worse after they know you have a brother... having to then explain that he's deceased.  And, of course, sometimes I say "My brother died when I was in college."  I'd say it's a pretty even split between how often I use the three explanations.  It's been over 6 years since he died, and I still cannot for the life of me figure out how to explain it to people.  Maybe I'll never figure it out.  Life is a game of trial and error, but sometimes it feels like it's just too filled with both...

Reason 2:  Well, Reason 2 is the reason I'm here writing about Reason 1.  Today, I came to my blog because I have been so busy lately I haven't had time to write an entry, and I finally had a free moment to start a new post.  I signed in, and I saw my page view count.  It read: 555 views.  555.  05-05-05.  That was the day of my brother's funeral.  I will always remember that day because I thought it was so fitting for my brother.  That number is something that gave me peace of mind, that helped me believe that there was a reason and a plan for my brother's life... and his death.  You see, many people who knew my brother would know that he had a fascination with numbers.  His favorite time of the day was 11:11 because it was "all ones!"  He would always point out repeating patterns like that.  When I saw the date printed on his funeral program, the pattern hit me.  And, I thought, how fitting.  It could have felt a little like a cosmic joke, but instead, it gave me comfort.  It made me feel like it was just "meant to be."  Regardless of how painful it was and how unfair it felt... at that moment, I accepted it.


And, today, seeing that number, I again felt that moment of acceptance.  Accepting that as much as I don't want to admit it, I still struggle... I still feel that loss.  I can still feel it hovering under the surface.  Sometimes I can't remember what his voice sounded like, and I feel that sense of panic.  Sometimes I can't remember what my life was like with him in it, and it makes me want to cry.  I curse my mind for not being able to hold on to him better, for not locking all of those memories away somewhere safe, where they can never leave.  I wish he was still here every day.  Every day.

I guess sometimes it's just hard to match the outside with the in... to find a balance between what you feel and what you show the world.  I don't want to feel pitied, but I also don't want to ignore this person who was and is such a big part of my life and who I am.  I suppose all that anyone can ever do is take it day by day.  And, I'm working on it...