Vulcans Don't Cry... Much.

Between the ages of 7 and 17, I can remember crying in front of people exactly twice.  I'm sure there may be more, but suffice it to say, I was not a crier.

Crying Episode #1
The first time I remember crying in front of someone was watching The Lion King for the first time, and every single time since.  (SPOILER ALERT!!! - although, if you haven't seen The Lion King, you are dead to me.  Heck, even Disney thinks you really need to see The Lion King.  That is why it is in theaters again!) When Mufasa died, I cried like a baby.  Gauging by the release date, I suppose I was about 10.  Thinking about it now, I am really disturbed by the fact that companies produce movies specifically for children... that make children cry.  Well, that is neither here nor there.

I know how you feel, Simba.

What I specifically remember about this crying occurrence is that my mother saw me crying and started laughing at me.  She came around the chair to look at my face and exclaimed, "Are you CRYING?!"  This made me cry more, and I put the blanket over my entire head and told her to "shut up!" and "leave me alone!" and proceeded to cry in the safety of my plush tent of shame.  I'm not sure why I hid under the blanket, but I felt that if no one could see me crying, it didn't matter that I was sobbing loudly... it simply wouldn't "count."  Actually, come to think of it, I still cover my face when I cry during movies so Steve can't see me cry... or casually act like something is in my eye, or make a comment about my eye watering... allergies...

Anyway, yes, my mother made fun of her minor child for crying during a Disney movie.  Now, it seems like every Disney movie makes me cry... but when I was a child, only two movies ever did it:  The Fox & the Hound and The Lion King.  I watched The Fox & the Hound in seclusion to avoid ridicule.  I can't really blame my mother for laughing at me - after all, this was a rare occurrence.  Though, I can blame her for making me a hardened non-crier who possessed no empathetic capacity whatsoever.  I remember my mom crying ONCE during my entire childhood, from beginning of consciousness to adulthood.  I think it was when my brother and I were being particularly awful in the car one morning, and she just had too much.  Other than that, my family was not exactly what you would call touchy-feely.  I can't remember hugging my parents.  I'm sure I did, but I must have been too young to remember.  We just weren't a family inclined to express ourselves in actions... or words.  We aren't terrible people, I swear.  Just... stoic.

Let's just say I have a strong feeling that this dynamic led to me being a non-crier who absolutely could not comprehend situations in which others would cry, why they were crying, or what to do when they did cry.  I stayed far away from the crying.  And, I still do.  Others crying = me extremely uncomfortable, almost panicky.

Crying Episode #2
When I was 15, I had mono.  I had to stay home from school for two weeks.  I'm not sure if it was the mono, or the combination of the seclusion and stress, but I became severely depressed.  I was so despondent that I broke up with my boyfriend because it made me so sad not to be able to see him (hey, I didn't say I was rational...).  I also remember getting so frustrated by my math homework that I literally threw my textbook across the room and threw a massive hysterical fit, complete with screaming rage and uncontrollable sobbing.

That was the second time I cried in front of people.  I'm not even sure if anyone saw me cry that time, but it was right in the kitchen, so I'm sure my mom was there.  She probably yelled at me for acting ridiculous and told me to go to my room, where I am sure I continued sobbing into my pillow so no one would hear.  I believe it was Algebra II that caused me to fly into a blinding rage... specifically matrices.  I still don't think I ever learned those.  Our Algebra II final was a "partner" test, and I chose my partner wisely.  He had a graphing calculator.

Thanks to mono, I have no idea what this means. 

Ten years later...
I am now a totally girly, hormonal sack of tears.  Everything makes me cry.

I still try to hide it, but things that I would have laughed at people for crying about ten years ago now make me cry.  I never understood how happy things made people cry.  Weddings, babies, heartwarming 20/20 specials... nope, didn't get it.  Why cry if you are happy?  I still am totally without answer for that question, but all I know is that at some magic point in my life, happy things started triggering the tears.

And, of course, I cry at sad things.  Even nominally sad things.  The best example is that TV commercials have made me cry.  There is one where a woman is by her dad's side while he is dying (yes, sad setup there), and she is thinking back on their life together.  I have seriously cried multiple times watching that stupid commercial.  Needless to say, I will never buy whatever product they were selling.  Though, I think it was not a "sales" commercial... it may have been some kind of "values" commercial.

I watched that movie My Sister's Keeper the other day and cried at least five separate times.  It's embarrassing to admit that, and I'm now glad Steve wouldn't watch it with me.  A character dies in a movie/tv show... yep, I'm crying.  Pasta sauce commercials with sad orchestral music?  May tear up a bit.  That terrible TV show Coming Home or whatever it's called, where they surprise people with returning servicemen?  Bawling.  And, you may laugh at me for this one.  I really like the movie Meet Joe Black.  (Yes, I know Brad Pitt is awful in that movie...)  And, while the movie itself makes me cry... even the soundtrack makes me cry.  How pathetic is that?!  It's an orchestral soundtrack... it's not even sad words or anything.  But, even remembering what is happening while that music was playing in the movie is enough to make me cry.

Now, I am not proud of my excessive crying.  I don't want to cry from these things.  I actively fight against it!  I don't feel like a particularly emotional person, and I would not classify myself as overly emotional or even that sensitive of a person.  I blame my female hormones.  The same hormones that made me go from despising babies to fawning over them.  I blame evolution and the human condition.  (I don't really know what all "the human condition" encompasses, but I feel like it makes a great scapegoat for almost anything.)

I am being forced to cry against my will.  It's like some alien being has taken up residence inside my hardened shell of suppressed emotions.  Perhaps my body is making up for all of the not-crying from my younger days.  Or maybe my additional life experience has simply increased my capacity for empathy.  Whatever it is... I don't like it, and I kindly ask that it cease and desist.

I was going to say that I would like to be able to control my emotional responses... but then I thought that sounded kind of like a robot... or a Vulcan.  Hmm...

Technically, I would be a Vulcan.  Superior control over my emotions.