So, I've been in Texas for a few weeks, and I thought I'd reflect on some of my experiences thus far...
Driving
Seriously, the biggest thing I've noticed about Texas is how driving is approached differently. At first, I thought people were just bad drivers. After seeing a few near-accidents and almost being hit a few times myself, I have finally learned the secret to Texas driving. The secret is... you have to drive like you're the only person on the road and just hope for the best. Poof! You're now a Texas driver! Changing lanes? No need to check if there is anyone in your way. They will move if they don't want to die. Want to get around someone but there isn't enough room? Just cut in with inches to spare. They will brake. Trying to make a right turn, but traffic is too heavy and fast to let you in? Who needs an opening? Just turn. People will slam on their brakes, and you will make it... probably.
This same concept applies to parking. I have seen, hands-down, the worst parking jobs in history in Texas parking lots. Especially my apartment complex parking lot. Rule of thumb for parking: assume you are the most important car on the lot, or perhaps the only car. Park however you want, and if you take up two spaces, bonus points. People don't even try to hide the fact that they are parking like jerks. They just completely straddle a line and take two spots. Or park almost completely diagonal in a spot, making it impossible to park next to them without risking being stuck in your car, or getting door-dinged. I almost had to resort to crawling in through my backseat the other day when I returned to my car and discovered I had about 6 inches to open my door and get in. Luckily, just sucking in helped me wiggle through.
And, it's not even just Texans... the license plates are from everywhere. It's like people get here and just adapt this Texas-sized attitude about driving and parking. I'm learning to stop considering others and just do it. Whatever it is, just do it. Who cares?
Weather
I read somewhere that there are two seasons in Austin: summer and not-summer. It was an account of a Northeasterner's first year in Austin, and they wrote that they kept thinking it would cool down "in the fall"... only to realize that fall wasn't coming. There is summer, when it is ridiculously hot. Then there is the rest of the year, when it's not. So far, of course, I'm only getting summer, but boy is it a doozy. I've experienced heat living in Missouri. It gets hot in the summer... miserably hot. But, it's one thing to experience a heat wave in Missouri and another to realize it's going to be like that for 4 months straight in Texas. Granted, the heat is a bit drier, and we get more of a breeze here... so it's not as miserable. But, 100 degrees every day is still 100 degrees every day! I'm adjusting and learning how to cope with the heat.
But, the thing is... the heat doesn't shut down the city like it does in most normal cities. People are still out and about in 100+ degree weather - running, eating outside, just sitting outside reading, whatever. It doesn't faze them. I went for a walk the other day when it was 100 degrees. It wasn't awful, really. So, perhaps my body is adjusting already. Everyone says I'll get used to it... to an extent. I think they're right... but for now, 100 degrees still feels really freaking hot.
Orange
Ok, I know, I am attending UT in the fall. UT's color is orange. Out of all of the colors in the world, orange is the color I absolutely do not like. I do not own a single piece of orange clothing... well, until I moved here, when my mom got me a UT shirt. But, the proliferation of burnt orange in this city is insane. Everyone of all ages is wearing orange, it's in the stores everywhere, even people's cars are orange. Yes, I saw a nice luxury car the other day... that was burnt orange. And, the orange longhorn symbols are everywhere. Austin is definitely a college town. I think this is a bit new to me because Northwestern wasn't really in a college town. Evanston was very separate from Northwestern... and while you'd see purple close to campus, NU grads, for the most part, moved away after graduation. Evanston wasn't just full of NU grads like Austin is of UT grads. So there was never this culture of the whole town being about the university... but it feels a lot more like that here. I am interested to see just how much that explodes when the undergrads come back in the fall. Yikes!
Food
Before moving here, if you asked me what my favorite foods are, I would consistently rank three things at the top of my list: french fries, barbecue, and tex-mex. And, now I am in a mecca for two of those three foods! (And, they still have french fries in Austin, too... lol.) I have to avoid eating out so I don't gain 100 pounds in my first year here. I would like to thank the hipsters for the insane array of food in Austin. I think hipsters attract awesome food places for some reason. Now, they aren't responsible for the barbecue and the tex-mex, but they probably account for just about everything else... and I have seen a ton of restaurants I want to try! Good thing I am living like a poor grad student now and can't afford to eat out every night... or I would totally eat my way through Austin in a year...
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Sunday, July 14, 2013
The Year of Awesomeness
I am declaring twenty-nine the year of awesomeness. All awesome... all the time. I figure I can whine about the last year of my twenties, or I can rock it.
For some, 29 is a depressing age. I know I was not too thrilled about it at first. But, so far, it's pretty great. I think the big changes in my life are really helping me "come into my own," so to speak. A clean slate can do wonders. I feel like this is an opportunity to make myself into the person I want to be. And, I finally have the focus, the motivation, and the energy to spend some time on myself. Not by myself, though I am that, as well. But, on myself. I don't mean pampering days at the spa... I mean really being my own person apart from any kind of identity I may have established for myself up to this point. I'm keeping the best parts of "Old Manda" and building on them to make an awesome "New Manda."
I think when you are dissatisfied with portions of your life, you get lazy. You just kind of coast along without really taking stock of your life. In my "new life", I'm realizing just how much I stopped taking care of myself and how little I really know *me* anymore. One major realization was the hold that fear had on my life... on my decisions. I have often joked about my many fears, but my general trepidation and anxiety was having a paralyzing effect on my independence. I pride myself on being a strong, independent woman, but I have been so focused on others that it caused me to lose sight of myself and the way I wanted to live my life. How others perceive me, what others want, what others expect of me. When you shun those kinds of pressures and expectations, it's really freeing, and I'm enjoying the experience of taking control of this life of mine. I'm learning to ascertain my own wants and expectations and focusing on working to meet only those.
I am basically here alone until mid-October, except for 2 weeks when Steve is visiting. I kept saying that I was looking forward to some "alone time," but really, I wondered how I would cope being in a new place all alone. I've lived alone before... but I've always had a support system of some kind to fall back on. This is the first time in my life since I left for college that I've been truly alone. And, I must say, I'm impressed with how I'm rising to the occasion. Old Manda would have been afraid to do anything new alone. But, I'm doing pretty well! I've gone out to eat a few times alone. I've driven all over Austin to different stores and such. I have gone on walks alone, to the pool alone. And, today, I tried out a church alone. This may not sound like a big deal to some people, but after doing things with someone for so long, it's an adjustment to do things alone. I feel like a big part of being an adult is being able to "fend for yourself" and being comfortable and happy alone. Perhaps I am finally becoming an adult... or at least accepting the fact that I am one.
Now, I'm not saying I don't miss Steve. I do miss Steve... though we've only been apart for a week at this point. He is coming to visit next weekend for 2 weeks... then we will only see each other one weekend between August 4 and October 12 (not that I'm counting... lol). What I am saying is that I think this time apart can only be good for both me and our marriage. We are lucky to have such a great marriage, and tomorrow is our 7th wedding anniversary. We are both different people than we were when we got married, but we have grown together instead of apart. But, part of what makes our marriage work is that we are our own people, and I think we can only benefit from each of us being the best possible versions of ourselves. This time apart will not only help us understand ourselves better but will also help us appreciate each other more than we already do and not take each other for granted. Already, I am gaining a deeper appreciation of Steve's height as I struggle to fill the top shelves...
In short, what I'm trying to say is... bring it on, 29. And keep it coming...
For some, 29 is a depressing age. I know I was not too thrilled about it at first. But, so far, it's pretty great. I think the big changes in my life are really helping me "come into my own," so to speak. A clean slate can do wonders. I feel like this is an opportunity to make myself into the person I want to be. And, I finally have the focus, the motivation, and the energy to spend some time on myself. Not by myself, though I am that, as well. But, on myself. I don't mean pampering days at the spa... I mean really being my own person apart from any kind of identity I may have established for myself up to this point. I'm keeping the best parts of "Old Manda" and building on them to make an awesome "New Manda."
I think when you are dissatisfied with portions of your life, you get lazy. You just kind of coast along without really taking stock of your life. In my "new life", I'm realizing just how much I stopped taking care of myself and how little I really know *me* anymore. One major realization was the hold that fear had on my life... on my decisions. I have often joked about my many fears, but my general trepidation and anxiety was having a paralyzing effect on my independence. I pride myself on being a strong, independent woman, but I have been so focused on others that it caused me to lose sight of myself and the way I wanted to live my life. How others perceive me, what others want, what others expect of me. When you shun those kinds of pressures and expectations, it's really freeing, and I'm enjoying the experience of taking control of this life of mine. I'm learning to ascertain my own wants and expectations and focusing on working to meet only those.
I am basically here alone until mid-October, except for 2 weeks when Steve is visiting. I kept saying that I was looking forward to some "alone time," but really, I wondered how I would cope being in a new place all alone. I've lived alone before... but I've always had a support system of some kind to fall back on. This is the first time in my life since I left for college that I've been truly alone. And, I must say, I'm impressed with how I'm rising to the occasion. Old Manda would have been afraid to do anything new alone. But, I'm doing pretty well! I've gone out to eat a few times alone. I've driven all over Austin to different stores and such. I have gone on walks alone, to the pool alone. And, today, I tried out a church alone. This may not sound like a big deal to some people, but after doing things with someone for so long, it's an adjustment to do things alone. I feel like a big part of being an adult is being able to "fend for yourself" and being comfortable and happy alone. Perhaps I am finally becoming an adult... or at least accepting the fact that I am one.
Now, I'm not saying I don't miss Steve. I do miss Steve... though we've only been apart for a week at this point. He is coming to visit next weekend for 2 weeks... then we will only see each other one weekend between August 4 and October 12 (not that I'm counting... lol). What I am saying is that I think this time apart can only be good for both me and our marriage. We are lucky to have such a great marriage, and tomorrow is our 7th wedding anniversary. We are both different people than we were when we got married, but we have grown together instead of apart. But, part of what makes our marriage work is that we are our own people, and I think we can only benefit from each of us being the best possible versions of ourselves. This time apart will not only help us understand ourselves better but will also help us appreciate each other more than we already do and not take each other for granted. Already, I am gaining a deeper appreciation of Steve's height as I struggle to fill the top shelves...
In short, what I'm trying to say is... bring it on, 29. And keep it coming...
Monday, June 17, 2013
Leaving the Law
When I told my mom that I was changing careers, she said that she hoped I hadn't wasted the last 7 years of my life. I wasn't upset by her comment; I knew what she meant. Three years of specialized schooling, plus almost 4 years working in one career... just to up and change directions.
It does seem a bit of a serpentine path; it's something I contemplated very seriously over the past year or so. And, in my questioning, I always came to the same answer: I do not regret my time in the law and do not believe it was a "waste."
I believe that we learn from every major experience in our lives, even if it's just that something "wasn't right," which is valuable in and of itself. If we learn more than that, even better. And, I believe I have learned and gained so much from my experience in the law. I am undoubtedly a different person today than I was 7 years ago when I graduated college, and I'd like to think I'm better. Perhaps "better" isn't the right term, as it's not really fair to compare my younger self to my current self since we had completely different perspectives and life experiences. But, I definitely feel like I'm more than I was then. More secure in myself and my abilities. More aware of the world around me and my reactions to it. More mature, more wise. More stable, more independent... more determined.
On Friday, when I was leaving the office, I went to say goodbye to my coworker and remarked that it was the last Friday I could say "see you on Monday." And, she asked me how I was feeling about that - if it was just "happy." And, I had to reply that I had mixed feelings about it. Of course, I'm incredibly excited to be starting something new, but it's also a bit terrifying. I have been mentoring my replacement at the firm and helping him transition to taking over some of my roles in the office, and in the midst of it all, I have realized just how far I've come since my first day here in September of 2009. I realized that even though I was leaving my job, I was good at my job, and I knew stuff. Like, not just some stuff... I know a lot of stuff. And it was a bittersweet realization. I am finally at a point in my career where I feel like I'm kind of at the pinnacle of my abilities. After 4 years, I am a specialist of sorts in my area of the law. I can answer people's questions without having to look things up, I can cite statutes off the top of my head, and I can recall cases where I've done this or that and can draw upon my experiences. I can teach someone else how to do my job and do it with authority. I feel like I'm more like a peer of my boss at this point, instead of an underling. I have come a long way. And, right when I feel like I'm getting close to the top, I'm hopping off the ladder.
However, this made me feel better about my new direction, in a roundabout sort of way. Thinking back, I remember how I knew nothing before starting law school. And, here I am, seven years later... good at my job. And, here I am, seven years later... terrified about starting school again because I feel like I know nothing. But I know that, in seven years, I will be back at this place again, only in a new field. I know that I will make it there... because I've seen myself do it.
Starting where I am, I think my experience in the law will do nothing but help me. It has made me a better writer, a better thinker. It has acclimated me to 50+ hour work weeks... and never being "off the clock." It has made me more perceptive of my surroundings and experiences. It has forced me out of my comfort zone time and time again, and has expanded it significantly.
I am sure there will be days when I miss the law... probably on days when I'm feeling like an idiot and just want to be back where I know what's going on. But, I see our parting like a couple who have simply grown apart and want different things in life. No anger, no profound sadness, no regret... just the end of our time together and the beginning of my new path.
It does seem a bit of a serpentine path; it's something I contemplated very seriously over the past year or so. And, in my questioning, I always came to the same answer: I do not regret my time in the law and do not believe it was a "waste."
I believe that we learn from every major experience in our lives, even if it's just that something "wasn't right," which is valuable in and of itself. If we learn more than that, even better. And, I believe I have learned and gained so much from my experience in the law. I am undoubtedly a different person today than I was 7 years ago when I graduated college, and I'd like to think I'm better. Perhaps "better" isn't the right term, as it's not really fair to compare my younger self to my current self since we had completely different perspectives and life experiences. But, I definitely feel like I'm more than I was then. More secure in myself and my abilities. More aware of the world around me and my reactions to it. More mature, more wise. More stable, more independent... more determined.
On Friday, when I was leaving the office, I went to say goodbye to my coworker and remarked that it was the last Friday I could say "see you on Monday." And, she asked me how I was feeling about that - if it was just "happy." And, I had to reply that I had mixed feelings about it. Of course, I'm incredibly excited to be starting something new, but it's also a bit terrifying. I have been mentoring my replacement at the firm and helping him transition to taking over some of my roles in the office, and in the midst of it all, I have realized just how far I've come since my first day here in September of 2009. I realized that even though I was leaving my job, I was good at my job, and I knew stuff. Like, not just some stuff... I know a lot of stuff. And it was a bittersweet realization. I am finally at a point in my career where I feel like I'm kind of at the pinnacle of my abilities. After 4 years, I am a specialist of sorts in my area of the law. I can answer people's questions without having to look things up, I can cite statutes off the top of my head, and I can recall cases where I've done this or that and can draw upon my experiences. I can teach someone else how to do my job and do it with authority. I feel like I'm more like a peer of my boss at this point, instead of an underling. I have come a long way. And, right when I feel like I'm getting close to the top, I'm hopping off the ladder.
However, this made me feel better about my new direction, in a roundabout sort of way. Thinking back, I remember how I knew nothing before starting law school. And, here I am, seven years later... good at my job. And, here I am, seven years later... terrified about starting school again because I feel like I know nothing. But I know that, in seven years, I will be back at this place again, only in a new field. I know that I will make it there... because I've seen myself do it.
Starting where I am, I think my experience in the law will do nothing but help me. It has made me a better writer, a better thinker. It has acclimated me to 50+ hour work weeks... and never being "off the clock." It has made me more perceptive of my surroundings and experiences. It has forced me out of my comfort zone time and time again, and has expanded it significantly.
I am sure there will be days when I miss the law... probably on days when I'm feeling like an idiot and just want to be back where I know what's going on. But, I see our parting like a couple who have simply grown apart and want different things in life. No anger, no profound sadness, no regret... just the end of our time together and the beginning of my new path.
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Just Say No... to Bad TV.
With the elimination of cable TV from our lives, Steve and I have taken to watching cables series on Netflix. One of the dangers of watching past seasons of shows is already knowing what's going to happen... due to the proliferation of TV in pop culture. I read a lot of entertainment news... and thus, I know what's going on in shows I've never even watched. I am bound to know at least tidbits of story line from almost any show I find on Netflix. But... that's OK. And, I'll tell you why.
The other day, we were watching the second season of Mad Men. After finishing an episode, I mentioned to Steve that I already know what happens in Mad Men, generally speaking. I am only partway into the second season, but I know what has happened since then, and I know what's happening now. I read entertainment news, after all, and it's a popular show. But, I told him, it didn't make me less inclined to actually watch the episodes. I said that it is the mark of a good show when you can know exactly what's going to happen... and still want to watch it anyway. (Yes, I am quite wise.)
Over the years, many shows have fallen by the wayside in my viewing rotation due to this phenomenon, or rather, its flipside. Sometimes if I miss an episode of a show, I will read the recap to see what happened before deciding whether to just skip an episode or to actually catch up on my viewing. What has occurred with a few shows is that I'll miss one week, then another, and so on... and every week I will read the recap and be satisfied by that and feel no need to watch the episode. Then, the show transforms from one that I'm actively watching to simply one that I feel obligated to keep up with, out of some twisted sense of loyalty from the time I have invested in the series thus far. After realizing I had a few of these "passive" shows, I decided it was time to take the plunge and permanently cut them from the rotation. After all, if I am only interested in knowing what happens and not in watching the actual show... the show is not good.
I have problems abandoning shows I watch. The first show to fall off my schedule was the soap I watched growing up. These were characters I had watched for almost 20 years! And, if I could cut that... everything was fair game. Now, I am pruning my television queue like crazy. Bye bye Grey's Anatomy. See ya Bones. Adios American Idol. It's quite freeing to drop a show that you no longer enjoy watching. You realize how much of a burden watching the show really was. That sounds ridiculous, but I'm serious! You only get frustrated and disinterested with bad shows, and it makes watching TV unpleasant. TV is supposed to be entertainment. If I'm not being entertained, what's the point? This circles back to my whole reason for cutting out cable TV in the first place.
When you eliminate bad shows from your life, you free up room for good shows. Thus, your happiness and viewing pleasure increases. You can be friends with TV again, instead of treating it like a homework assignment. When you use TV wisely, it can be a wonderful tool. When abused, it can be the worst of enemies... the dreaded timesuck. Hours can pass, and you wonder (a) Why am I watching this?, (b) What has this accomplished? If you cannot answer these questions, you have fallen victim to the timesuck. But, remember, TV only becomes a timesuck if you let it.
So, please, use your TV wisely. Do not become a victim of the timesuck. Just say "no" to bad shows.
The other day, we were watching the second season of Mad Men. After finishing an episode, I mentioned to Steve that I already know what happens in Mad Men, generally speaking. I am only partway into the second season, but I know what has happened since then, and I know what's happening now. I read entertainment news, after all, and it's a popular show. But, I told him, it didn't make me less inclined to actually watch the episodes. I said that it is the mark of a good show when you can know exactly what's going to happen... and still want to watch it anyway. (Yes, I am quite wise.)
Over the years, many shows have fallen by the wayside in my viewing rotation due to this phenomenon, or rather, its flipside. Sometimes if I miss an episode of a show, I will read the recap to see what happened before deciding whether to just skip an episode or to actually catch up on my viewing. What has occurred with a few shows is that I'll miss one week, then another, and so on... and every week I will read the recap and be satisfied by that and feel no need to watch the episode. Then, the show transforms from one that I'm actively watching to simply one that I feel obligated to keep up with, out of some twisted sense of loyalty from the time I have invested in the series thus far. After realizing I had a few of these "passive" shows, I decided it was time to take the plunge and permanently cut them from the rotation. After all, if I am only interested in knowing what happens and not in watching the actual show... the show is not good.
I have problems abandoning shows I watch. The first show to fall off my schedule was the soap I watched growing up. These were characters I had watched for almost 20 years! And, if I could cut that... everything was fair game. Now, I am pruning my television queue like crazy. Bye bye Grey's Anatomy. See ya Bones. Adios American Idol. It's quite freeing to drop a show that you no longer enjoy watching. You realize how much of a burden watching the show really was. That sounds ridiculous, but I'm serious! You only get frustrated and disinterested with bad shows, and it makes watching TV unpleasant. TV is supposed to be entertainment. If I'm not being entertained, what's the point? This circles back to my whole reason for cutting out cable TV in the first place.
When you eliminate bad shows from your life, you free up room for good shows. Thus, your happiness and viewing pleasure increases. You can be friends with TV again, instead of treating it like a homework assignment. When you use TV wisely, it can be a wonderful tool. When abused, it can be the worst of enemies... the dreaded timesuck. Hours can pass, and you wonder (a) Why am I watching this?, (b) What has this accomplished? If you cannot answer these questions, you have fallen victim to the timesuck. But, remember, TV only becomes a timesuck if you let it.
So, please, use your TV wisely. Do not become a victim of the timesuck. Just say "no" to bad shows.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
The Secret Life
Warning: This entry is long.
So, if you haven't noticed, I've been a bit MIA for the last, oh... YEAR or so. I have been a very bad blogger. I don't think I can even call myself a blogger until I get some steady posting going on here! Though I don't like to make excuses, I at least do have a reason that I wasn't blogging.
First of all, I don't like keeping secrets. However, events that have transpired in the past 16 months have caused me to keep secrets from many, many people. And, let me tell you, keeping secrets is hard work. Especially when the things you are keeping secrets about are also hard work. During that time, I soooo wanted to vent on my blog about what I was going through, but then, it was a secret and I couldn't do it. My whole life was permeated with secrecy, and it seemed impossible to come up with anything to blog about besides those secret things... thus, writer's block and a bit of a conscious step away from blogging while I completed my secret mission. But, now that the secrets are out in the open, I can finally talk about the past 16 months of my life!
Ok, as some readers may know, I recently "announced" that I'm making some HUGE changes in my life. First of all, I'm quitting my job... and career entirely. Second, I'm starting a PhD program... in a completely new field. To top it all off, I'm moving halfway across the country. Now, I will tell you my story...
Once upon a time, about 16 months ago, I came home from work after a particularly harrowing day. I was in a really bad mood... in fact, my rage monster Rabia might have taken over my body completely by that point. Let's just say Rabia was making quite frequent appearances in my life. I don't remember exactly how it happened, but Steve and I got to the conversation point that, basically, I could not keep working at my job. I was not happy, I did not enjoy my work, and it was taking a toll on my sanity... and, in turn, Steve's sanity. So, I made the decision to start looking for something else.
First, I looked at legal jobs. All the time, every day, I looked. Occasionally, I found something I was qualified for... but never found anything that interested me. I applied to a few jobs, but realized I was not excited about the prospect of ANY legal job. I literally could not think of a position that would make me happy... only ones that would make me money and give me less hours of unhappy. Eventually, I came to the realization that the reason I could not find a job I liked was because... I didn't like the law. It wasn't that I didn't like my particular job... it was that I didn't like my chosen career, at all.
Let me tell you something... realizing that you chose the "wrong" career is kind of devastating. Once you have that realization, you are faced with a decision: either stay in your career and find a way to be the least miserable you can be, or find a new career. Option one does not sound appealing, though it is definitely the easiest path. Option two is terrifying for a number of reasons... most of all being the fact that you now have to figure out what you actually want to do. This is not as easy as it sounds; after all, what you thought you wanted to do was wrong. And, if you did not have some fortunate epiphany that "x" is what you want to do instead of your current career, then you are back at square one. Then, when you figure that out, you aren't qualified for it. Then, you realize all of the time, money, and effort it will take to get to where you want to go. And, then, you feel like a failure for not "making it" in your chosen profession. You even question whether you are capable of being happy in any profession in the universe... and question your own judgment on anything and everything... because, after all, you were wrong about one big thing, why not others? And, the whole time, you are worrying what others will think of you when you tell them.
So, yeah, the past 16 months have been kind of like that ^
Anyway, onward in the story. Initially, I thought I'd take a few years "off" and just do something personally enriching that I would enjoy... and which might lead to a job of some sort. I thought of trying to actually write... or get into nonprofit management... both of which had local master's programs. While looking into master's programs, I often talked with a friend who was a professor. I always told her that I envied her job and that I regretted doing a JD instead of a PhD after school. She asked why I couldn't just do a PhD now. I told her I felt like it was too late... I was too old. She convinced me that I was not, in fact, too old and that many people start degree programs in their late 20s... and best of all, she told me that you get paid to get a PhD. After some research, I realized that, yep, she was right. And, that pipe dream that had always been nagging at the back of my brain... academia... started to become a viable option for me. Once I had the PhD on the brain, it was just a matter of deciding what I wanted to study.
And, this led me to an epiphany that I feel most of us rarely have in our lives... where we realize that everything has been leading to something and can recognize and seize the opportunity to follow that path. I realized, looking back on everything I'd done that I truly enjoyed, that it always involved education. I had interned for the US Dept. of Education in undergrad, I wrote my major research paper for PoliSci on school choice policies, and my favorite course in law school was Education Law and Policy. Any time I was given free rein to choose what to study, I chose education. After speaking with a friend in a Higher Ed PhD program, he helped lead me to Sociology as an avenue to further my interest in studying education. The more I read about it, the more I realized it was the right fit for me. Once I had my ducks in a row, I talked to Steve about it. And, he had the same epiphany that I did: "this is perfect for you; you would be so happy doing this."
Okay, so this all took place from about February to May of last year. So, in May, I decided to start studying for the GRE and researching programs... to apply for admission in a couple of years... not right now. But, with Steve's term job ending this fall, he told me to go ahead and "go for it". The timing was right, so I changed gears in June or so and started preparing in earnest to apply that fall. I took the GRE in July, then started putting together a final list of schools in August. I researched every school in the universe and eventually got a final list of 15 programs. I spent weeks on admissions essays, securing letters of recommendation, getting transcripts, putting together spreadsheets of each school's deadlines, fees, and requirements. I even took a second job to pay for all of the application fees... which helped offset the costs but took up a lot of my free time. Applications were due in November, December, and January. So, I did a few every week. It was a ton of work, and I vacillated between feeling empowered and feeling defeated. But, on a day in January, I submitted my last application, and it was a fantastic feeling. Then, it was just compulsive email checking for admission results... for months.
Now, I know I talked about secrets. Here's where they come in. This ENTIRE TIME, no one in Steve's or my family knew I was applying. Most of my friends didn't know. My coworkers didn't know. Very few people knew. With such big changes possible, I wanted to be 100% sure of my future before upsetting anything in my "current" life. We decided we would tell people, beginning with our families, after I got in somewhere. So, for over a year, I kept all of this secret from those closest to me. It was really hard, especially since the process of applying took up a large part of my time and sanity.
Then... I got in somewhere. Then, I got in more places. In the end, I was admitted to five different programs... all incredible choices, any one of which I would have been thrilled with. All of this excitement was dampened by the crippling fear of telling people, especially my family. I kept putting off the announcement, and eventually, I decided I had to tell them before I visited my first school. So, I bit the bullet and told my mom. She was incredibly upset about it, as I knew she would be. She began to warm up a bit, or at least got better at hiding her unhappiness over the situation. I knew that my family was only upset that I was moving away from them, and that they wanted me to be happy, even if they did not want me to leave. They still are not "happy" about it, but they are happy for me and realize what an accomplishment and huge step this is for me in my life.
I visited three of the schools where I was admitted and had to take off work to do so. So, more lies! More secrets! But at least by that point, my family knew and I could discuss it with them. Then, eventually, my office found out, and now everyone knows! And, I chose a school... and we have an apartment in our new city of Austin, Texas. We are trying to sell our house, Steve is looking for a job, and I'm moving in less than 6 weeks!
So many people have asked me why I'm leaving the law. First, it's because I'm unhappy. Second, it's because I think I will like something else better. And, third, it's because I don't want to regret not trying. I don't want to be one of those people... and lawyers know them more than anyone... because the law probably has more of these than most professions: the people who wish they could do something else. I don't want to be 50 and stuck in a career I hate, wondering if I would have been happier doing something else. My fear of failure, even "perceived" failure, almost kept me from giving this a shot. I didn't want to admit that I had made a mistake. But, Steve asked me... "If, at the end of this, you can't find a job as a professor, will you regret doing it?" And, the answer was no. No, I won't regret taking charge of my life. I want to decide my own fate, whatever it may be.
And, most of all, I want to live with no regrets. What's the point of this life? To me, it's happiness. And, part of that is having a job that I enjoy. Because, let's face it, work consumes a large part of our lives. And, unhappiness at work bleeds into unhappiness at home. And, before you know it, Rabia has taken over your entire life. Wait, that's my rage monster, not yours... but you get the idea.
My brother's far-too-early departure from this world taught me that we just don't know how much time we have... so we better make the most of it. And, I want you to know, little brother... I am making the most of mine.
And she lived happily ever after... The End.*
*Don't worry... I'll be back... and hopefully on a more frequent basis now!
So, if you haven't noticed, I've been a bit MIA for the last, oh... YEAR or so. I have been a very bad blogger. I don't think I can even call myself a blogger until I get some steady posting going on here! Though I don't like to make excuses, I at least do have a reason that I wasn't blogging.
First of all, I don't like keeping secrets. However, events that have transpired in the past 16 months have caused me to keep secrets from many, many people. And, let me tell you, keeping secrets is hard work. Especially when the things you are keeping secrets about are also hard work. During that time, I soooo wanted to vent on my blog about what I was going through, but then, it was a secret and I couldn't do it. My whole life was permeated with secrecy, and it seemed impossible to come up with anything to blog about besides those secret things... thus, writer's block and a bit of a conscious step away from blogging while I completed my secret mission. But, now that the secrets are out in the open, I can finally talk about the past 16 months of my life!
Ok, as some readers may know, I recently "announced" that I'm making some HUGE changes in my life. First of all, I'm quitting my job... and career entirely. Second, I'm starting a PhD program... in a completely new field. To top it all off, I'm moving halfway across the country. Now, I will tell you my story...
Once upon a time, about 16 months ago, I came home from work after a particularly harrowing day. I was in a really bad mood... in fact, my rage monster Rabia might have taken over my body completely by that point. Let's just say Rabia was making quite frequent appearances in my life. I don't remember exactly how it happened, but Steve and I got to the conversation point that, basically, I could not keep working at my job. I was not happy, I did not enjoy my work, and it was taking a toll on my sanity... and, in turn, Steve's sanity. So, I made the decision to start looking for something else.
First, I looked at legal jobs. All the time, every day, I looked. Occasionally, I found something I was qualified for... but never found anything that interested me. I applied to a few jobs, but realized I was not excited about the prospect of ANY legal job. I literally could not think of a position that would make me happy... only ones that would make me money and give me less hours of unhappy. Eventually, I came to the realization that the reason I could not find a job I liked was because... I didn't like the law. It wasn't that I didn't like my particular job... it was that I didn't like my chosen career, at all.
Let me tell you something... realizing that you chose the "wrong" career is kind of devastating. Once you have that realization, you are faced with a decision: either stay in your career and find a way to be the least miserable you can be, or find a new career. Option one does not sound appealing, though it is definitely the easiest path. Option two is terrifying for a number of reasons... most of all being the fact that you now have to figure out what you actually want to do. This is not as easy as it sounds; after all, what you thought you wanted to do was wrong. And, if you did not have some fortunate epiphany that "x" is what you want to do instead of your current career, then you are back at square one. Then, when you figure that out, you aren't qualified for it. Then, you realize all of the time, money, and effort it will take to get to where you want to go. And, then, you feel like a failure for not "making it" in your chosen profession. You even question whether you are capable of being happy in any profession in the universe... and question your own judgment on anything and everything... because, after all, you were wrong about one big thing, why not others? And, the whole time, you are worrying what others will think of you when you tell them.
So, yeah, the past 16 months have been kind of like that ^
Anyway, onward in the story. Initially, I thought I'd take a few years "off" and just do something personally enriching that I would enjoy... and which might lead to a job of some sort. I thought of trying to actually write... or get into nonprofit management... both of which had local master's programs. While looking into master's programs, I often talked with a friend who was a professor. I always told her that I envied her job and that I regretted doing a JD instead of a PhD after school. She asked why I couldn't just do a PhD now. I told her I felt like it was too late... I was too old. She convinced me that I was not, in fact, too old and that many people start degree programs in their late 20s... and best of all, she told me that you get paid to get a PhD. After some research, I realized that, yep, she was right. And, that pipe dream that had always been nagging at the back of my brain... academia... started to become a viable option for me. Once I had the PhD on the brain, it was just a matter of deciding what I wanted to study.
And, this led me to an epiphany that I feel most of us rarely have in our lives... where we realize that everything has been leading to something and can recognize and seize the opportunity to follow that path. I realized, looking back on everything I'd done that I truly enjoyed, that it always involved education. I had interned for the US Dept. of Education in undergrad, I wrote my major research paper for PoliSci on school choice policies, and my favorite course in law school was Education Law and Policy. Any time I was given free rein to choose what to study, I chose education. After speaking with a friend in a Higher Ed PhD program, he helped lead me to Sociology as an avenue to further my interest in studying education. The more I read about it, the more I realized it was the right fit for me. Once I had my ducks in a row, I talked to Steve about it. And, he had the same epiphany that I did: "this is perfect for you; you would be so happy doing this."
Okay, so this all took place from about February to May of last year. So, in May, I decided to start studying for the GRE and researching programs... to apply for admission in a couple of years... not right now. But, with Steve's term job ending this fall, he told me to go ahead and "go for it". The timing was right, so I changed gears in June or so and started preparing in earnest to apply that fall. I took the GRE in July, then started putting together a final list of schools in August. I researched every school in the universe and eventually got a final list of 15 programs. I spent weeks on admissions essays, securing letters of recommendation, getting transcripts, putting together spreadsheets of each school's deadlines, fees, and requirements. I even took a second job to pay for all of the application fees... which helped offset the costs but took up a lot of my free time. Applications were due in November, December, and January. So, I did a few every week. It was a ton of work, and I vacillated between feeling empowered and feeling defeated. But, on a day in January, I submitted my last application, and it was a fantastic feeling. Then, it was just compulsive email checking for admission results... for months.
Now, I know I talked about secrets. Here's where they come in. This ENTIRE TIME, no one in Steve's or my family knew I was applying. Most of my friends didn't know. My coworkers didn't know. Very few people knew. With such big changes possible, I wanted to be 100% sure of my future before upsetting anything in my "current" life. We decided we would tell people, beginning with our families, after I got in somewhere. So, for over a year, I kept all of this secret from those closest to me. It was really hard, especially since the process of applying took up a large part of my time and sanity.
Then... I got in somewhere. Then, I got in more places. In the end, I was admitted to five different programs... all incredible choices, any one of which I would have been thrilled with. All of this excitement was dampened by the crippling fear of telling people, especially my family. I kept putting off the announcement, and eventually, I decided I had to tell them before I visited my first school. So, I bit the bullet and told my mom. She was incredibly upset about it, as I knew she would be. She began to warm up a bit, or at least got better at hiding her unhappiness over the situation. I knew that my family was only upset that I was moving away from them, and that they wanted me to be happy, even if they did not want me to leave. They still are not "happy" about it, but they are happy for me and realize what an accomplishment and huge step this is for me in my life.
I visited three of the schools where I was admitted and had to take off work to do so. So, more lies! More secrets! But at least by that point, my family knew and I could discuss it with them. Then, eventually, my office found out, and now everyone knows! And, I chose a school... and we have an apartment in our new city of Austin, Texas. We are trying to sell our house, Steve is looking for a job, and I'm moving in less than 6 weeks!
So many people have asked me why I'm leaving the law. First, it's because I'm unhappy. Second, it's because I think I will like something else better. And, third, it's because I don't want to regret not trying. I don't want to be one of those people... and lawyers know them more than anyone... because the law probably has more of these than most professions: the people who wish they could do something else. I don't want to be 50 and stuck in a career I hate, wondering if I would have been happier doing something else. My fear of failure, even "perceived" failure, almost kept me from giving this a shot. I didn't want to admit that I had made a mistake. But, Steve asked me... "If, at the end of this, you can't find a job as a professor, will you regret doing it?" And, the answer was no. No, I won't regret taking charge of my life. I want to decide my own fate, whatever it may be.
And, most of all, I want to live with no regrets. What's the point of this life? To me, it's happiness. And, part of that is having a job that I enjoy. Because, let's face it, work consumes a large part of our lives. And, unhappiness at work bleeds into unhappiness at home. And, before you know it, Rabia has taken over your entire life. Wait, that's my rage monster, not yours... but you get the idea.
My brother's far-too-early departure from this world taught me that we just don't know how much time we have... so we better make the most of it. And, I want you to know, little brother... I am making the most of mine.
And she lived happily ever after... The End.*
*Don't worry... I'll be back... and hopefully on a more frequent basis now!
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
A Life Without TV... Kind of...
A few months ago, we made the decision to get rid of TV. Not completely, granted, but we canceled our satellite service. It was costing SO much money, we just got to a point where we couldn't justify the few channels we actually watched. Out of the vast array of cable channels, when it came down to it, the only channels we were sad to see go were HGTV (me) and ESPN (Steve). I think these were our "go-to" channel surfing channels. When nothing else was on, we could always entertain ourselves with whatever was on these channels.
And, therein lies the problem! We got to the point where we mindlessly zoned out in front of the TV just because we had nothing better to do. We weren't watching TV to watch a certain show... we were watching just to watch. We figured we could not only save money by canceling satellite, but perhaps we would also cut down on TV viewing time.
Boy, were we wrong.
Yes, we are saving money. In exchange for satellite, we signed up for Netflix and Hulu Plus. Combined, they are less than $20/month. Much cheaper. But, as far as watching "less" TV, yeah, that didn't happen. I think we probably watch just as much TV as we did before.
However, our viewing habits have changed. When you have to actively seek out and choose the TV you are watching, you are far pickier. No longer do you have the excuse "well, there's nothing better on." I actually find things that I think will interest me, and I watch those. And, if 10 minutes in, it sucks? I turn it off. This is like a revelation! Turning off bad TV! Who knew?! And, instead of watching HGTV, what am I watching now? Critically acclaimed TV series, independent films, documentaries. When I'm bored, I want something good.Plus, I can't get HGTV anymore...
This whole "experience" in getting rid of satellite has really made me think about technology in our lives. So much of technology exists for convenience or stimulation... things that we don't need or could get elsewhere, in perhaps more healthful ways. Every once in a while, when I think about these things, I get the urge to disconnect, move to rural Montana and live off the land. Who needs this rat race and newfangled gadgets?
Then, I turn on an episode of Suits...
And, therein lies the problem! We got to the point where we mindlessly zoned out in front of the TV just because we had nothing better to do. We weren't watching TV to watch a certain show... we were watching just to watch. We figured we could not only save money by canceling satellite, but perhaps we would also cut down on TV viewing time.
Boy, were we wrong.
Yes, we are saving money. In exchange for satellite, we signed up for Netflix and Hulu Plus. Combined, they are less than $20/month. Much cheaper. But, as far as watching "less" TV, yeah, that didn't happen. I think we probably watch just as much TV as we did before.
However, our viewing habits have changed. When you have to actively seek out and choose the TV you are watching, you are far pickier. No longer do you have the excuse "well, there's nothing better on." I actually find things that I think will interest me, and I watch those. And, if 10 minutes in, it sucks? I turn it off. This is like a revelation! Turning off bad TV! Who knew?! And, instead of watching HGTV, what am I watching now? Critically acclaimed TV series, independent films, documentaries. When I'm bored, I want something good.
This whole "experience" in getting rid of satellite has really made me think about technology in our lives. So much of technology exists for convenience or stimulation... things that we don't need or could get elsewhere, in perhaps more healthful ways. Every once in a while, when I think about these things, I get the urge to disconnect, move to rural Montana and live off the land. Who needs this rat race and newfangled gadgets?
Then, I turn on an episode of Suits...
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