Spoiler Alert: Adultery!

I love chick flicks.  I know they give women unrealistic expectations of love, but I still love them.  When I have a free couple of hours to myself, I often sit down and watch a chick flick to give myself some mindless feel-good entertainment.  I have probably seen 90% of chick flicks in the last 10 years.  Probably not exaggerating much there, actually.  Sadly.  But, lately I have noticed a disturbing trend in some of the most popular chick flicks.  They are all about adultery.

This isn't some after-school special from yours truly, and I am no puritanical morality police when it comes to entertainment... but once I saw the trend, I couldn't unsee it.  The movie that was the culprit was "Something Borrowed."  For those that have not seen this movie, let me give a quick recap:  woman is in love with her best friend's fiance... has an affair with him... ultimately leading to friend and fiance breaking up and fiance getting together with woman, ruining friendship in the process.  But, hey, everyone's happy!?  It's ok because friend and fiance obviously were not meant to be together and woman really loved fiance more than friend did.  Turns out friend was also cheating on fiance with his friend.  All is well!  Hooray!  Happily ever after!

Wait, what?!  Was I seriously identifying with and rooting for the protagonist in this situation?  I was rooting for the woman to steal her best friend's fiance.  Because, after all, it's true love!  I felt kind of icky after this one, and then I realized that this movie is not the only one pushing the moral boundaries.  In fact, it's more of the "rule" than the "exception."  I seriously thought to myself, "in real life, all women would hate the friend who stole her best friend's fiance and would judge her and shun her."  I mean, think about it.  Who roots for adultery... except the adulterers...?  Hollywood is really twisting people's minds here.  When I thought about it, there are a ton of morally questionable chick flicks.  I decided to make a list, of course.

1.  The Wedding Planner.  This may actually be the worst sounding in real life.  "Groom falls in love with wedding planner."  Enough.  Said.

2.  My Best Friend's Wedding.  I know, they don't actually get together.  But, the thought of someone trying to sabotage her best friend's wedding doesn't sit well with me.  I am glad this one actually turned out realistically... like, "hey you're being a crazy person!"

3.  Made of Honor.  Notice a wedding theme?  Yet another friend who is trying to sabotage a wedding.  Though, successfully here.  And, after everyone traveled to Scotland!  The shame!

4.  Sweet Home Alabama.  So... there is so much going on in this one.  Woman is engaged to someone who doesn't know that she's already married.  So, technically, fiance is the "other man."  But, then, she falls back in love with and leaves fiance for husband.  Thus, husband becomes the "other man"... though actually he's not.  When the husband is the "other man" that you are rooting for, something is seriously messed up.

5.  You've Got Mail.  Meet man on internet... you both have significant others.  You continue to chat via flirty emails.  Serendipitously (more on this later), you both break up with significant others for unrelated reasons and then can finally meet and be together.  Granted, this wasn't "adultery" per se, but you were rooting for them both to leave their partners and get together.  Same thing.

6.  The Notebook.  Just think about how happy you were when they got back together... when she was engaged to someone else.  Mm hmm.  Epic romance!  Not so epic for that fiance... but, then, he's not Ryan Gosling.

7.  Love Actually.  This presents a nice dichotomy of adultery for the viewer.  On the one hand, there is the sleazy boss/employee storyline of Alan Rickman's character.  But, on the other hand... who wasn't kind of rooting a bit for the friend who was in love with his friend's wife?  His friend could have been the nicest guy in the world (who knows?), but you were sure rooting for the friend.

8.  Serendipity.  It's the name of the movie!  Some things are just "meant to be."  Who cares if you have a fiance or whatever?  This is your soul mate we are talking about here!

9.  Dear John.  I bet there wasn't a woman watching this movie who didn't want the girl to break up with her husband the second Channing Tatum strolls back into the picture.  Heck, I would venture that you were actively hoping the husband would hurry up and die already.  Death!  You are wishing death upon people to advance the love story of two other characters!  You can admit it.  I can.  

10.  Leap Year.  Perhaps you haven't seen this hidden gem.  It is a cute film, to be sure.  Who wouldn't succumb to that fake Irish accent (after knowing him for, like, two days)?  Even if you are on your way to propose to your boyfriend... who then proposes to you, who you then dump to go back to Ireland.  Poor guy can't catch a break.  I hope he got to keep that fancy apartment.


Ten is a good round number, and you know how much I love round numbers... now, go feel ashamed of yourselves for feeling happy at the ends of these movies!  Hahaha.

Quickie Update

Ok, it has been a LONG time since I last posted.  This summer swallowed me even worse than last year's!  And, it's not just summer.  My life is just insanely busy right now.  I can't really complain too much because I do it to myself, but it's still quite hectic.  I need a time-turner, Hermione style!

So, this summer was amazing... because I went on my first-ever two week vacation!  We went to the British Isles after Steve took the bar exam.  We spent a few days in London, then did an eight day cruise of the Channel Islands, Ireland, and Scotland.  Everything was spectacular, and I already have a few spots I'd like to revisit.  Of course I do... I'd vacation 24/7 if I was independently wealthy.  But... I'm not.  At least not until I become J.K. Rowling, like in my dreams.  Ahhh....

This summer, I also took a second job.  People think I'm nuts because, hey, I'm an attorney.  I make loads of money, right?  WRONG.  I'm really not complaining.  I do fine, but I got to the point where I had no extra money after paying bills every month, and I wanted extra money.  And, I really did want to do something productive in my "free" time, so I found a job that was flexible and that I thought I'd enjoy.  So, I'm working teaching test prep courses for Princeton Review.  I trained for ACT and SAT classes, and I just started teaching my first course.  But, the trainings were a full weekend a piece, plus all of this outside prep work.  The classes are 3 hour lectures 2 times a week, plus all the prep work... but once I have a few classes under my belt, I should not need as much prep.  It pays pretty decent... better than retail or something, I'd imagine. And, I'm influencing young minds.  Mwa ha ha!  Watch out world...

Now that fall is here, church choir is back, too.  So, we practice one night a week, plus sing every Sunday, of course!  We also are involved in a young adult group at church, which usually meets one night per week for "fellowship", which usually involves drinks and nerdy strategy games, lol.  I love our church!

Northwestern football is back in full swing now, too!  Steve is the VP of programming for our local alumni club, so we have been attending every game watch party that we can on Saturdays.  I also joined the alumni admissions council, so I help with college fairs and conduct admissions interviews when they roll around.  We are very involved with our alma mater, and I'm hoping to go to an awesome bowl game this year.  GO 'CATS!

We are also swimming in veggies from our CSA, and I feel like I'm neglecting them because I barely have time to cook.  Ugh.  I have vowed to cook our share this week before our next share arrives Saturday.  Ha, we'll see...

Oh, and my mother has finally accepted that I'm not having babies anytime soon.  Victory!

Really, I'm not.  Like, I'm drinking a delicious alcoholic beverage as I type this, so get any thoughts of pregnancy out of your head.  Yes, I'm drinking at 9:45 on a Sunday night.  What of it?

Now that the hottest summer in my life is over, it's time to get back to running.  I'm a wuss and couldn't handle the heat... then, you know, I kind of fell down the stairs on our cruise and bruised my shinbone pretty bad.  It took 2 months to heal, and I'm ready to get back in the saddle... err... shoes.  The goal is a half marathon next year!  Or, maybe another 10k... we'll see how "committed" I am this year...

Six Years of Marriage

Yep, that's right.  Today is Steve and I's sixth wedding anniversary.  After six years, I feel like I am quite the marriage expert.  I mean, heck, we've probably lasted longer than a lot of normal marriages, and 90% of Hollywood marriages!  Keeping with my grand blog tradition of list-making, here are some things I've learned about marriage:

1.  You have to work to make your marriage work.  No, I don't mean you have to have a job.  I have nothing against housewives/husbands (is that a PC term anymore?  I don't feel like I can call it anything without offending someone).  I mean, you have to put work into your marriage to make it work.  I think the divorce rate can be explained by a lot of things, but I would imagine that one of the biggest misconceptions that leads to divorce is that marriage is supposed to be easy.  I think a lot of people figure that if you are in the right marriage, it will be easy.  You shouldn't have to work at something that is right... right?  Wrong.  A good marriage takes work.  Isn't there some cliche about how nothing worth having is ever easy?  Marriage is no exception.  Having to work at your marriage doesn't mean your marriage is bad... it means it's normal!  When you hit a bump in the road - and yes, there will be many of these - you don't just give up because things got hard.  You work to fix it and move forward, learning all you can from the bump.  Sometimes it's hard... really hard.  You might yell at each other and say hurtful things.  You might be so angry at your spouse that you can't stand to be in the same room.  You might wonder why you married this person.  And, guess what?  None of that means your marriage is doomed.  It means... you guessed it... it's normal!  I once read an article discussing how it's normal to second guess your decision to marry your spouse... and often.  Only in Nicholas Sparks novels do people feel 100% sure of their choice of significant other at all times.  It's only natural to wonder about a decision you made that affects the rest of your life.  The important thing isn't second-guessing yourself... it's the reaffirmation to yourself that you chose this person for a reason, and that you are committed to making it work.  You owe it to yourself and to your spouse to reassess every so often and really look at whether you are committed to your marriage and to this person.  If you aren't willing to work on it, it's not a marriage you should be in.  Period.

2.  You need your own life.  Maybe this is my own need for independence skewing my opinion, but I think one of the most important things in a marriage is to have things that are separate from your couple-dom.  Is it great to do things together?  Sure it is.  But, when you are doing everything together and can't function as individuals, there's a problem.  I have perhaps unconventional views of love... like, I don't believe in "the one" or "soulmates" or whatever.  I believe in good timing.  But, my number one philosophy on love can be summarized as follows:  "Love isn't needing someone.  It's not needing them, but wanting them around anyway."  I feel like you need to be secure in your individuality and self-sufficiency before you can be in a truly healthy relationship.  Something about extreme co-dependency just creeps me out.  I love spending time with my husband, but I also really enjoy weekends apart and just having time to myself.  My favorite thing about having a house vs. our old one-bedroom places, is that now we can be in separate rooms if we want!  Steve and I sometimes take trips without each other, go out with friends separately, and are even involved in separate activities/hobbies.  It's nice to have your own life!  We aren't forever attached at the hip, aren't always one social unit.  We have our own lives, and we enjoy them.  Then, when we do things together, it feels more like a choice than an obligation.

3.  Talk to each other.  No, really, talk to each other.  I think both sides are guilty of this one.  Women are often passive-aggressive, and men are notoriously bad at communicating.  Guess what?  If you never tell your husband that it makes you angry when he doesn't put his dishes in the dishwasher, he will never do it.  If you never tell your wife that you feel like she is taking her day out on you unfairly, she will never stop.  It's as simple as that:  if you don't communicate with your spouse, you can't get the results you desire.  Which leads to frustration, dissatisfaction, and ultimately lands you in a position where the marriage seems irreparable.  All of those little issues can build up into a load of resentment and ruin a perfectly good marriage.  I think Steve and I do a good job of trying to tell each other how we feel and what we want, and the other tries to respond accordingly.  You might create some friction at first, but having a little fight now is worth avoiding a lifetime of disappointment.  Don't just accept that something will always "just be this way."  It might not if you actually told your spouse and discussed it constructively to reach a solution.  I think the real problem is that people just complain to their spouses about things and don't make a real effort to solve the problem.  Or maybe they don't even really want to solve the problem.  When you decide to bring an issue up, you should have a slate of solutions already brewing in your brain.  Communication isn't complaining... it's discussing.  That means it goes both ways and should have a constructive end of some kind.  As an additional, related thought... don't complain to your friends about something your spouse does if you have not tried to address the behavior with your spouse.  That just not fair, people.  Give em a shot!

4.  Have fun together.  This one doesn't need much discussion.  Just do what it says!  This could be playing a game, or going to get a drink, or going to the zoo or amusement park.  Laughing together can inject much-needed life into a stale marriage.  Women don't rank "sense of humor" high on their list for no reason.  It's not just important in dating... it's important in marriage!  You should enjoy each other and be able to make each other laugh.  The couple that laughs together... lasts.

5.  Don't try to change each other... at least, not the big stuff.  Part of marriage is that you are better with the person than without them.  If you are worse with them, you are in the wrong marriage.  You should never try to change the person that your spouse is... and you shouldn't expect that you can.  If your spouse is an introvert, they will probably always be an introvert.  You might be able to expand their horizons a bit, but they will never be a social butterfly.  If you want a social butterfly, then marry one.  Don't try to turn your spouse into something they aren't.  This is not to say that you shouldn't try to make each other better people or that you shouldn't try to make adjustments to make your spouse happy.  If your spouse continually drives you nuts with their smacking when they eat, by all means, tell them that it bothers you and you would appreciate it if they would try to stop doing that.  And, spouse, you should try to change that small behavior to satisfy your spouse.  Some adjustments in marriage are necessary - it's called compromise.  Small compromises are totally worth it, and it is not unreasonable to change certain behaviors for your spouse or to expect them to do the same.  But, choose your battles wisely.  And, meet in the middle.  Don't expect one spouse to do all the changing or compromising.  It goes both ways... just like communication!



Go forth into your marriages armed with this knowledge, my friends, and you shall know success.  (Or at least six years of it...)

Not Faster.

I feel like, in today's world, we are obsessed with making things faster.  Shortcuts.  Time savers.  Anything to add a few more minutes to our days.  In this pursuit, people change their behaviors and create inventions to make their lives easier and save that most precious commodity -- time.  But, I have found that many of the things that are supposed to be "faster" actually... aren't.  This amuses me, so I thought I would make a list.  Who would have thought?

Things that are supposed to be faster... but aren't:

1.  Drive-thrus.  Supposedly, people drive through a restaurant because they don't actually have time to get out of their car and walk the 20 feet across the parking lot to order in person.  But, oftentimes, people end up waiting in the drive-thru lane far longer than they would have waited inside.  I understand that some people just don't want to unload their kids or whatever, but, let's face it... most people are just lazy and don't want to get out of their cars when they could have someone just hand them their orders right in the comfort of their car.  I particularly enjoy the Starbucks drive-thru on the way to work.  The line is all the way out into the street and blocks the parking lot.  So, I will park across the street and still emerge far before when I would have gotten through the line in the drive-thru.  I always feel this smug sense of satisfaction and feel like I somehow cheated the system by being faster than the drive-thru.  Then, I feel better than all of the suckers sitting in their cars watching me walk back to my car with my delicious beverage.  I have found that the drive-thru only comes in handy when it's freezing cold outside.  It might not save time, but at least it saves warmth.

Don't do it!  It's a trap!

2. Backing into parking spaces. Ok, this is another car one. If you are a backer-inner, I'm sorry, but I just don't get it. I see people at work back into their garage spaces, and I wonder "why?". I understand that it allows you to just pull out immediately from your space when you leave, thus saving precious seconds that might otherwise be spent in the car. But you just spent even more time than you saved trying to back and align your car into the space. So, really, you are not netting any time savings. You are probably wasting more time backing your car into the space than you are possibly saving. Especially in my parking garage. It's not a huge garage. You aren't going to have a rush of people at 5:00 gunning for the exit and blocking your path. You can back out. It's not hard. My mom explained that people don't want to waste any time getting home from work... but don't mind wasting time getting to work. Guess that makes sense in a way. But, still not an actual time saver.

Just... no.

3. Self check out. First, old people should not be allowed to use self check out. Neither should children. Nor obnoxious people with 30 items when the sign clearly says 20 or less. Even with 20 items, I would venture a guess that self check out will not save you any time. Self check out allows you to speed past the long grocery lines and check yourself out. Doing things yourself saves time, right? Avoiding those lines is worth it, right? Wrong. Most of the time. I've noticed that when the regular lines are long, the self check out line is just as long. And, people are slower. Checkers check people out for a living. That is what they do. They are check out experts, so to speak. Have you seen how fast they can type in those produce codes? The cans whiz by the scanner with astonishing speed. Now, have you seen people checking themselves out? The attendant is coming over and showing them how to type in the produce code. They are coming over to check their IDs. They are voiding a double scan. People are struggling with the concept of "bagging" vs. "skipping the bag". You see them put an item in the bag, then take it out, then back in... trying to figure out how to beat the machine. Then, of course, are the people with a shopping cart full of items. There are times when self check out saves time, and a full cart is not one of them. Do you seriously believe you can scan those items faster than the check out person? No friggin way. When is self check out worth it? When you have less than 10 items, none of them are alcohol or weight-valued produce items, and you actually know how to work the dang machine. If you don't know how to work it, don't pick a busy Saturday afternoon as the time to start. For your own bodily safety and my mental health... please just... don't.

If you drive slower than I walk, you are not allowed to use the self check out.

4. Barcode apps on the iPhone. I don't know what they're called. I don't have an iPhone. I just always see people scanning their phones instead of using a credit card, and I have only seen this transaction operate smoothly once. Most of the time it takes a few scans, or the person doesn't get their little app up ahead of time... so it ends up saving no time over swiping a credit card. My favorite is watching the person try to scan their phone... then after failing, the counter worker takes it and tries. In the time it takes to scan the dang phone, you could have swiped their card, my card, and the person's behind me. And, then I'm a grumpy bear. Because, like I said before... we all value our precious time. Go, go, go! Actually, I feel like a lot of apps are wastes of time... but, man, do people love a gimmick! But, that's a blog for another time...

There is just something unsettling about this to me.  The machines are plotting their uprising.

5. Calculators... for simple math. When it comes to simple math, calculators are a huge waste of time. Unless you can speed type, or just don't know math, I suppose. This makes me feel old... but "kids these days" rely way too much on calculators! I don't know how many times I have been with someone and, when faced with a simple math question, they whip out their smartphone to type in the numbers. I say the answer before they are done, and they are like "how did you know that so fast?" Well, you see, I used my brain, which is faster than your stupid smartphone. Smartbrain > smartphone. God forbid we exert ourselves to use our brains! Seriously? You just used your phone to calculate 20% of $25.00? Something like that takes even longer because inevitably you have to know that 20% is actually .20. Adds a whole other layer to the thing. And, if you are adding 2 numbers under 50 on your smartphone, I feel like I should unfriend you on principle. It's a little ridiculous... I'm just saying. I'm sorry if you are just genuinely awful at math and can't do simple math in your head. I'm sure you are much better than me at drawing... or sewing... or physics... or some other activity that I do particularly crappily. Actually, I guess if you were bad at math, you would probably also be bad at physics. Sorry.

Unfriended.

Amazing Domestic Goddess Extraordinaire

Tonight, I got home from work at 6:15.  Then, I went to the grocery store with a list.  And, this list included more than just frozen dinners... it was based on recipes for multiple meals.  I know, I'm in shock, too.  Read on. When I got home, I actually made dinner.  Yes, in shock again.  Baked falafel with cucumbers from my mom's garden and homemade tahini sauce... and bacon-wrapped dates.  After I ate dinner, I made a kale zucchini quiche.  This, alone, is pretty impressive for a weeknight in my house.  But, while that was baking, I made sesame noodles with napa cabbage... so I could have homemade lunches for the week.  Pick up your jaw...if you can.  After the quiche was done, I baked zucchini raisin muffins from scratch.  And, they are AWESOME.  That's right, I'm an amazing domestic goddess extraordinaire.  I didn't even watch any TV tonight.  Or play on the internet (until now...).  If you know me, your head is probably exploding right about now.

Though, I didn't wash my dishes... so... at least I know an alien hasn't taken over my body.  In general, I am pretty lazy and domestically challenged.  Don't get me wrong... I am a pretty good cook and an awesome baker.  I just have problems motivating myself to do anything when I get home from work.  I admit that I am an awful housekeeper and gardener.  I don't even try to pretend that I am good at those things.   Usually, my evening consists of coming home from work between 6 and 6:30... eating some kind of frozen or fast dinner... and watching TV and messing around on my computer for hours on end.  If dishes even get taken from the basement (where we inevitably eat every night) to the kitchen, it's an accomplishment.

I always have grand ideas about what my evenings will be like.  "I will get home, make a delicious, healthy, well-balanced meal, do two loads of laundry, do the dishes, organize my closet, weed the flower beds, and do the work that I brought home." Then, I get home.  And, none of that happens.  Ever.

But, every once in a while, an anomaly occurs.  Like tonight.  I blame credit my ADD.  Ok, so, I've never been "diagnosed" with ADD, but I totally have it.  Ask my husband.  He knows all  about it.  The other day, we were in the car, and I was yakking and being my normal self... and he was like "Ok, how did you just go through 4 unrelated topics and end up singing a random song, all within 30 seconds?"  Yeah, that's me!  Anyway, so, most of the time, I cannot bring myself to start or finish tasks, even when I make a plan.  It all goes to heck once I actually try to do it.  I start with the best intentions, but never see many results.  I think of something I'd rather be doing... and I go do that instead.  Like, the other day when I was doing some work at home... I randomly thought, Hmm, I wonder where my achievement certificates from law school are.  So, off I went to search for them for 30 minutes.  Then, inevitably, it led to other random things and I never got back to the work.  Organization and foresight are not my friends.  I'd like them to be, but they are kind of like the people whose names I can't remember... which is awkward, so I avoid them.  Ok, so how did this lead to my domestic divinity tonight?  Well, you see... along with the disorganization of ADD comes this wonderful thing called hyperfocus.  Yes, this is real.  When I'm doing something that I'm really interested in, I can do it for a long time without realizing how much time has gone by.  So, tonight, I cooked for over 3 hours straight.  Usually this hyperfocus is wasted on the internet, romance novels, or something equally useless.  But, every once in a while, I can direct my focus on something useful.  Problem is, I am not often interested in useful activities!  Who is?

Oh... probably successful people...

Summer Brain.

Summer brain.  I don't know what you call it, but I call it "summer brain."  You know, when you start getting restless at work somewhere around early May.  Your productivity slows to a halt.  You can't focus... your brain shuts down.  You find yourself staring out your window, wishing you could go enjoy the warmth of the day.  The sun is shining, the grass is green... and you're sure the birds are chirping, though you can't hear them because your window doesn't open.  You look at people outside and shoot them death stares.  You begin to hate children because they get a summer break.  Summer.  What is summer to the working world?  Depression and distraction.  That is summer brain.  

Why do we get summer brain?  I blame the school system.  I went to school for twenty years.  For twenty years, I got summers off... at least to some extent.  You went to school for 9 months, then you got 3 months "off."  That's how it worked.  And, then, you graduated, and somehow you were expected to just magically come up with three extra months of brain activity that never existed before.  Plus, you are expected to be able to put in those extra months during three months that you least want to spend inside.  

Why can't schools have "winter break" instead of "summer break"?  No one cares about being penned up inside during December.  Plus, all the holidays are in the winter: Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's... Veteran's Day, Martin Luther King Day, President's Day... Valentine's Day, Groundhog Day.  What does summer have?  Independence Day.  Much easier to work school around one holiday than, like, ten.  And, don't forget... people are already depressed during the winter!  You are barely making an impact by taking away a winter break once the children become adults.  You aren't ruining the fantastic summer that they could be having.  You are simply making them clean their cars of snow a few extra days.  "Losing" winter is much less traumatic than "losing" summer.  You can't miss something you never had, right?  

I'm sure school breaks were positioned in the summer for lots of good, old-timey reasons.  Like, the young'uns had to be home to help on the farm during the growing season.  Or, it was just too dadgum hot to stick a bunch of kids in a room and expect them to behave.  Fact is, those old-timey reasons just don't stand up anymore.  Get with the times, people!  Summer break is no longer the only way to go.

I advocate that we start "winter break."  Sure, a bunch of kids will hate it at first.  But, eventually they will forget that summer break ever existed, and they will all be saved a load of grief and depression as adults.  And, they would thank us for it.

Together, we can put an end to "summer brain."

I Am Not a Runner.

I am not a runner.  I have short legs.  I'm uncoordinated.  I'm lazy.  All of these things have led me to generally avoid running for the vast majority of my life.  I never did track... I never ran for "fun" (whatever that is) or for exercise.  The only time I ran was laps at volleyball practices.  And, I even hated it then.  It was by far the thing I most dreaded about practice every day.

I have often said that I hate running.  Hate it.  I could not understand why anyone would do it if they didn't have to.  Despite my hatred of running, a few years ago, I got it into my head that I should start running.  Mostly because I couldn't afford a gym, and I had a few months free after my first year of law school.  And I may have gained 15 pounds the first year of law school... and marriage.  So, I convinced myself that I would run around the neighborhood.  Since I am a nerd, I researched running thoroughly to make myself a plan... and so I wouldn't look like an idiot.  I had about a billion things I worried about.  How do you breathe when you run?  Nose or mouth?  Deep or shallow?  What about stride?  Long stride or short stride?  Where should my foot land?  Should I run on the road or the sidewalk?  What side of the road do I run on?  On and on.

When I felt sufficiently versed in the sport of running, I bought myself a pair of running shoes, and I made my plan.  I decided I would try a walk/run approach.  Problem was, I had no idea how far I could run already.  Ok, had to assess my ability.  So, I took off on the first day at a leisurely jog to see how far I could go before I needed to stop.  Hmm.  Two blocks.  Perhaps I was a little more out of shape than I had thought.  Walked two blocks... ran two blocks... walked... ran.  Such it continued, and I was somewhat pleased with myself when I returned 20 minutes later feeling like I was dying.  I figured, runners always look like they're dying... so that was a good sign.  I was becoming a runner!  I kept running, a few times a week, and eventually got to where I could run 4 blocks, walk 1 block.  Yeah, I know, that still sounds pathetic.  Well, I thought I was awesome!  I would always make sure that I would be on the "run" portions when I went by a person... so I felt cool and fit.  I didn't particularly enjoy running, but the competitive spirit within me relished the idea of achieving something.  Problem was... I got bored.  I have a short attention span and get sick of things pretty quickly.  Running wasn't advancing quite as swiftly as I had hoped... and I didn't really feel like I enjoyed it.  I actually kind of dreaded going outside to run.  And thus ended my very short and very sorry attempt at running.  After 3 weeks.  

Last summer, I once again decided that I was going to start running.  I had a gym membership, and I was going to conquer the dreaded treadmill.  I had never in my life stepped foot on a treadmill.  I was terrified of them.  With my astoundingly low level of coordination (that is a story for another blog), I could just picture my feet flying out from under me and landing face first on the tread.  But, I sucked it up and started my walk/run routine once again.  This time, the hubby tried with me, so at least I had someone to try to "beat," which made it a bit more appealing to me.  I eventually got to where I could run an entire mile straight.  Then, hubby stopped going to the gym... and without someone to compete against, running lost all joy and purpose for me.  And, once again, I was done after a month or so.

In January, I made a list of New Year's resolutions.  One of them was to run a race.  This time, I was going to "get serious."  I went and bought new running shoes at a real running store.  I guess I figured that if I invested enough money in running, it would spur me to stick with it.  I bought cute new running clothes.  If I know anything, it's that girls are highly motivated by cute workout clothes.  Then, I started back running at the gym a couple of times a week.  I signed up for a 5k, and hubby signed up too.  I have enough pride to make myself be prepared for something that I've committed to.  So, I had that 5k looming in the future.  When it got warmer outside, I overcame my completely irrational fear of running outdoors (I don't like people watching me... shut up!).  I started running around my neighborhood... zigzagging through the streets, so I would never be too far away from home, you know, in case I got tired and decided to be done with my run.

Well, the 5k came, and I was ready to go.  I got there, and it started raining.  Thundering.  Lightning.  Pouring rain.  So, yes, they canceled the 5k.  I got my t-shirt and my medal, but I felt like a fraud.  I had signed up for my first race... but I hadn't run it... no matter what my awesome medal said.  This was it - my real test of whether I was going to stick with running this time.  This was my "get out of jail free" card.  I could just not sign up for another race.  I could quit!  But, instead, I found myself wanting to sign up for another race.  I had trained for it, dang it, and I wasn't going to let it go to waste!  I wanted to get my "under 30 minutes" goal.  Heck, I even went to the gym the day of the canceled 5k and ran a 5k on the treadmill (despite a fire alarm going off in the middle of it and having to evacuate the building... yes, I have bad luck).

So, riding the momentum of my disappointment from the canceled 5k, I signed up for a new 5k.  Then, I thought, heck, if I can do a 5k, I can do a 10k!  So, now I've signed up for a 10k and am training for that.  I've found, however, that I have to run farther away from my house in order to get a longer run in.  If I'm close by, I will quit before I am actually done.  Because I'm lazy.  If I run far enough away, then I have to run back!  This weekend, I actually ran about 5 miles.  I still have a little trouble believing that I actually did this of my own accord and without being chased or bribed in some way.  And, more troubling still... I actually enjoyed it and didn't feel like death afterward.

Is it possible?  Could I actually enjoy running?  I think the jury is still out on that one.  I enjoy the sense of accomplishment that comes with completing a run... and I like having a goal to train toward.  I know I will be proud to say I ran a 10k after it's done.  But, I am not sure if it's the task that I enjoy... or the accomplishment.

And, I don't know if I can ever call myself a "runner."  I am never running in the rain if I can help it, and sometimes I like to sleep instead of get up to run.  And, I have no desire to ever, ever run a marathon.  Actually, right now, the idea of running more than an hour is kind of nauseating.

So, no, I am not a runner.  I may never describe myself as a runner.  But, I am running.  And, I don't hate it.  Against all odds and expectations... especially my own.

Amanda's Awesome Book of Grammatical Nonsensities

So, I was talking to hubby on gchat the other day, and I accused him of telling a "boldfaced lie."  This is the conversation that followed.  I made 2 changes to this: 1) took out hubby's username because I'm nice, and 2) took out a few words that were not so PG, again, because I'm nice.  Some of the statements are a bit out of order due to response times not matching up correctly, but you can figure it out.  I'm not taking the time to change that... because while I am nice, I am also lazy.

Enjoy...

  me: that is a boldfaced lie

  lie

 hubby: bald-faced is the expression

 me: well that doesnt make any sense

  i like mine better

  was it you who kept asking me if it's "flesh" something out or "flush" it out?

1:29 PM hubby: flesh it out

 me: i know that

  but someone was asking me that the other day

  must have been matt

  i get all the men in my life mixed up

 hubby: bald-faced lie derives from people with no facial hair being more honest-appearing

  and could get away with lies

  even obvious lies

 me: thats not true. it means it's bald... as in obvious

  like naked

 hubby: compares to scoundrel's with moustaches

 me: i made up my description

 hubby: i know

 me: or, better yet...

1:30 PM it's brazen and bold

 hubby: mine comes from etymological study

 me: and shows on your face

  thus, bold faced

 hubby: again, not even close

 me: or... like it's in bold

  like... WOW, what a lie!

 hubby: your descriptions are a bald-faced lie

 me: i don't recognize that spelling

  it's like your words don't exist to me

 hubby: not my fault your intellegence and knowledge pale in comparison to mine

1:31 PM me: intelligence

 hubby: typo

  ass

 me: mensa reject

  mensa would totally take me

  i have a 149 iq

 hubby: again, bald-faced lie

 me: totally not

  im sure i have the records somewhere

 hubby: well i maxed out the iq test i took

1:32 PM me: you are just jealous of my genius

 hubby: so all they know is i'm above a 145

  but not sure how much

 me: thats a huge lie

  lie

 hubby: nope

 me: that kind

 hubby: ask my parents

 me: boldfaced

  your parents also say you read at 2

 hubby: quit trying to make that stick

  it's not a thing

 me: obviously you manipulate the system

 hubby: bald-faced lie is correct

 me: nope. not saying it.

  it sounds ridiculous

  bald faced

1:33 PM hubby: nevertheless, it is correct

  "i'm sorry your honor, but that sounds ridiculous"

  "ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my opposing counsel's story is ridiculous"

1:34 PM don't even pretend like you could get away with that

  saying you could is a bald-faced lie

 me: in a court of equity i could

  because they can do whatever they want

  or in jeffco

 hubby: i'm getting lunch

  bye

 me: i win.

1:35 PM hubby: no

  you're still wrong

  you don't win if you're wrong

 me: wrong.

  bye

 hubby: http://artsci.wustl.edu/~rsorense/PAPERS/Baldfaced%20lies.pdf

 me: i'm a lawyer. i win when i'm right AND when i'm wrong

1:36 PM hubby: barefaced lie is also acceptable

1:37 PM http://www.nytimes.com/2000/11/05/magazine/the-way-we-live-now-11-05-00-on-language-baldfaced.html?pagewanted=all&src=pm

  looks like boldfaced is also acceptable    (HA! -Commentary by Amanda...)

1:38 PM but stupid

 me: nope, much more acceptable

  go to lunch nerdfest

 hubby: baldfaced is best

  boldfaced "sounds like a printer error"

  HA

  both invented by my dear friend, Willy the Shakes

1:40 PM me: he isnt' real

 hubby: i ran a marathon this morning = baldfaced lie

 me: but i am glad i am right

  baldeagled lie

1:41 PM that sounds better

 hubby: i just ate the ribeyes is a boldfaced lie

 me: spreadeagled lie

 hubby: there's just too few contexts in which that is correct

  that's a completely different kind of thing

 me: no, its a lie that is waiting there ready 

 hubby: "those red bumps are normal" is a spreadeagled lie

1:42 PM me: i feel like a grammar book could be based on our conversation

  an awesome grammar book

  amanda's awesome book of grammatical nonsensities

 hubby: could be a new regular on your blog

1:43 PM me: go eat lunch

 hubby: bye

  bye

  that was a boldfaced bye

  HAHAHA

  I'M HILARIOUS

 me: you aren't even funny a little bit

1:44 PM hubby: you're right. I'm funny the whole bit

 me: did you know that an upside down question mark is a sarcasm indicator?

 hubby: and for you to suggest otherwise is a baldfaced lie

  i think justin and i created that in con law 2

 me: no, it really exists

  outside of your imaginations

1:45 PM hubby: i'm hungry

  stop talking

  i'm goin

  see you tonight

Randomosity

Ok, I'm having trouble focusing my ADD brain, so this post is just complete random snippets of things I feel like talking about.  A bit of random trivia to go with this random blog post:  Before I made this blog, I had first made a blog called The Art of Randomosity.  I deleted it after it failed to inspire my creative mind.  But, the semi-made-up word proved perfect for this blog entry!


**  Last time I visited my parents, my mom was talking about how they were going to landscape their yard.  You see, they moved into my grandparents' house after they renovated it, so they are starting with a clean slate... and my mom has grand ideas, of course.  She has been trying to talk my dad into getting a pool since renovations started two years ago.  When I visited, my mom told me that she had mentioned a pool to my dad again, and that he said she could have a pool when she had two grandkids.  As if I wasn't getting pestered enough about having kids before, now the fate of my mom's pool rests in my hands.  Sorry, mom... guess you're landlocked for a few years!  Though, it does give me a fun way to further torture my mother about grandchildren.  "Mom, why don't you guys get a pool?  Wouldn't a pool be soooo nice?"


**  I have never mowed the lawn.  I grew up with a huge yard in the country, but I never mowed.  How did I manage this?  Well, when I was in junior high, a kid in my school had a lawn mower accident... let's just call him Jimmy Smith (to protect his identity... not that he would read this blog... and the people I was in school with know who I'm talking about anyway).  The riding lawn mower tipped over on top of him, and he lost an eye.  He had to get a glass eye, which was just about the most terrifying thing I had ever heard of when I was 12.  I told my mom about it and about how scared it made me of lawn mowers... because we lived on a steep hill, and I was convinced the lawn mower was going to turn over.  I was genuinely afraid of the lawn mower (as I am basically afraid of almost everything on earth), so my mom never asked me to mow.  As I got older, I got less afraid of the lawn mower, but also got lazier and still didn't want to mow in 98 degree heat.  So, when my mom asked me to mow, I would say, "Do you want me to end up like Jimmy Smith!?"  Yeah, what was my mom going to say to that?  That she wanted her daughter to have a glass eye?  Well played, me.  People would ask my mom why she didn't just have me mow the lawn, and she would tell me I was afraid of the mower because of what happened to Jimmy Smith.  I was 18, and she was still telling people this.  Perhaps I did have a bit of fear lingering, but it was definitely mostly laziness.  But, to this day, I'm pretty sure my mom thinks I have a lawn mower phobia.  And, now I have a husband to mow, so why would I ever start?


**  The Voice is awful this year.  I have slowly cut reality shows out of my TV viewing lineup, and The Voice is about to get the axe.  I thought it was so fun last year, and now it sucks.  No one is good!  I have a problem letting go of TV shows, though, even when they get really bad.  It's like... I feel some kind of loyalty to them.  Like, I owe it to the show to stick it out and see if it gets better.  Which is ridiculous, of course, but I guess I am a show hoarder of sorts.  I can't let anything go, even when I get no enjoyment or use out of it.  My cluttered DVR serves as proof.  I can think of a handful of shows that I gave up on (like Desperate Housewives, Prison Break, House, Private Practice, American Idol, Nip/Tuck... actually, even more than that... perhaps more than a handful...), and it seriously gives me anxiety to stop watching a show that I've been watching forever.  Sometimes I will read recaps even though I don't watch anymore.  Yes, I know the worlds are fictional... but I still have this need to know what is happening!  I must have a disorder of some kind.


**  I have an unhealthy fascination with Taylor Swift.  Not, like, in a stalker-ish way, but still an unhealthy amount for a grown woman.  I know (and own) every Taylor Swift song there is... and have even watched a lot of her YouTube videos... her TV show appearances.  I follow her tabloid stories.  I can't watch Camilla Belle movies because she stole Joe Jonas from Taylor Swift (why do I even know this?!).  I know it's totally irrational, but I can't help it.  I feel like one of those teenage girls who is convinced that if Taylor Swift knew me, we'd be best friends - and, maybe I could be her back-up singer and we could write songs together and have girly sleepovers with her adorable cat Meredith.  No, I never think of these things at all... ever.  I think I have a special affinity for the "normal" famous girls... like Taylor Swift... and Selena Gomez.  I love Selena Gomez.  I even watched that movie Monte Carlo.  Yes, I am a tween trapped in an adult body.  Actually, it probably looks more like a tween body, and from a distance, or with sunglasses on, you might mistake me for a 13 year old girl.  Did I mention that I just finished the first book in another young adult series?  And, requested the next from the library.  And will feel perhaps more than a little bit of shame when I go pick it up.  Thank God for self check-out.  Anything to avoid those judgmental librarians.

Things I just don't like. Abridged version.

I like to think of myself as a pretty easy-going gal.  Low maintenance.  Go with the flow.  Heck, I didn't even care what flowers were at my wedding.  I hired someone and told them "you know what looks good."  That was about the extent of it.  When people are having a meal and ask me what foods I like, I say that I'm not too picky - I'll eat almost anything.  Which is true.  When people ask what I want to do, I usually leave it up to them to decide because most of the time, I really just don't care.  Actually, there really aren't many things that I really like or really hate.  I guess I am just not a person of extremes.  I am a person of neutrality and moderation.

But... when I force myself to think about it, there are things that I really dislike.  It's hard for me to think of a favorite anything, but I can usually respond with "I like everything but such-and-such".  And, every once in a while, something comes along, and I just think, I really don't like that.  It could be a song, a movie, a food, a person, a commercial good of some kind.  Today, I saw one that inspired me to create this blog post.  And, it will be number one on my list of things that I just don't like.

Things I just don't like:


1.   Wax figures.  Like, Madame Tussaud's style wax figures.  I saw William & Kate's figures online today, and, well, they really freak me out.  And it's not just because theirs are some of the most freakishly lifelike ones that I have seen... it is all wax figures.  Or, really, any realistic representation of a person.  When I was a child, I was horribly afraid of mannequins.  I was seriously worried that one was going to reach out and grab me.  Sometimes I mistook real people for mannequins and would scream when they moved.  Though, I was also terrified of all life-size characters... like the kinds at Showbiz Pizza and Six Flags.  So, maybe I have a thing about large lifelike figures in general, whether they are human or not.  While other kids were begging their parents to have their pictures taken with Tweety, I was begging my mother to let us turn around so we could avoid him...or her?  I think of all characters as men if they don't have a bow/dress.  Is that sexist?  Society has done this to me.

This is just... not right.

2.  Indian food.  Go ahead and chastise me.  Yes, I have tried it, and no I don't like it.  The smell alone of Indian spices makes me physically ill.  People think I'm close-minded or not "cultured" enough because I don't like Indian food.  Guess what?  I like other ethnic cuisine... just not Indian.  I'm not some snobby American chomping on my cheeseburger.  I'm not sure what spices I am particularly averse to, but no Indian food that I have encountered has ever appealed to me.  I just don't like it!  I think it must be kind of like cilantro.  Did you know that there is supposedly a gene that is responsible for whether or not you like cilantro?  Some people just really hate it, and it's programmed into them.  Seriously, I'm not kidding.  Look it up.  I, for one, love cilantro and can't imagine someone not liking it.  But, I know there are people who don't.  Same thing with Indian food for me.  Some people think it's so delicious and think there must be something wrong with me not to like it.  Obviously, I just must have never tried it because if I had, I would like it.  Wrong.  I wonder if there is a gene that controls Indian curry...

Sure, it looks delicious... until I can smell it.  And taste it.

3.  Riding in cars.  Driving is fine.  But, I hate riding in cars.  I actively avoid it.  Trains are fine... as are planes.  Even buses.  But, if I'm going to be in a car, I want to be the one driving it.  I think it's a combination of motion sickness, anxiety, and claustrophobia, but I know I don't like it.  I don't like car travel in general, but it's tolerable if I'm driving.  I dislike car travel so much that the last time we drove to my in-laws', which is 5 hours away, I told my husband that we were never driving there again.  That trip, and the ones before it, had been particularly harrowing, with accidents, detours, road construction, traffic, you name it.  And, with not liking being in the car to begin with, I'd had enough.  I said I didn't care how much it cost, we were flying there from then on out.  That was probably 8 months ago.  And, we've flown there every time since.  I guess I should mention that riding in cars is made significantly less awful by sleeping.  I like to take Dramamine before a trip, then just sleep the whole time.  But, the person driving doesn't usually appreciate their riding buddy being asleep.  Not my problem.  You should have flown.

This cat looks like he likes riding in cars about as much as I do.  I feel you, cat, I feel you.

4.  Gene Wilder.  No, I've never seen Blazing Saddles.  Yes, I know it is supposedly the funniest thing ever.  But, I have seen Willy Wonka, and that was enough for me.  Gene Wilder creeps me out like no other.  I would have given the golden ticket back!  I don't even know what it is about him that really gets me.  It's kind of like when you see someone who looks like a serial killer.  They just do.  You don't know why.  Maybe it's the bushy beard, or the shifty eyes, or the length of rope they carry on their tool belt...

I will take the Oompa Loompas over Gene Wilder any day.  Creep city!

5.  People who use their phones in elevators.  It doesn't matter if they're talking, texting, checking their email, or even just pretending to use the phone to avoid talking to people or making eye contact.  It's ridiculous.  Especially people with their bluetooth headsets who seem like they are talking to you, then you might say something and then feel awkward when you realize they aren't talking to you.  Seriously, like, people can't spend 30 seconds just standing and waiting for their floor.  Like, you are so important that you can't wait until you get to your office to check your email or text your friend.  Why interact with people when you can interact with technology?   And, what wireless carrier do you have that you get service in the elevator?  Seriously... mine cuts out the second I step in the elevator.  Maybe that's why I hate everyone who uses their phone in the elevator...

One day, I kid you not, everyone in the elevator was using their phones at the same time.

6.  Futurama.  The TV show.  I have an inexplicable hatred for this show.  I have never seen an episode that entertained me.  One episode made me cry, but that is the only emotional response I have had to this show.  Steve loves Futurama and watches it quite a bit, so I've caught quite a few bits and pieces of episodes.  I almost feel abnormal that I don't like this show.  I don't get the appeal.  Kind of like with the CSIs, Law & Orders, or any of the CBS comedies.  But, I think my general lack of exposure to those prevents me from having a strong reaction to them like I do to Futurama.  I still can't stop thinking about that episode that made me cry... the one with Fry's dog... and it makes me dislike Futurama even more.

How can it be SO SAD?!

7.  "Hey, Soul Sister."  I don't know if I even need to explain this one.  Awful.  Awful.  AWFUL.  This is the worst song ever made.  I didn't even like it when Blaine sang it on Glee, and that's saying something because I am a sucker for fictional preppy boys (even if they are also fictionally gay).  For a while, it was on every radio station all the time, and my car felt like a prison.  One day it came on and I wasn't paying attention, and I started singing along.  When I realized what I was doing, I felt so ashamed.  I turned off the radio and acted like it didn't happen.  I once said that the only thing that would make this song worse was if Chad Kroeger sang it.  That may be the truest statement to ever pass these lips.

Apparently, flat-ironed hair and sunglasses make Chad Kroeger even more ridiculous.  Just imagine if he was also singing Hey Soul Sister in this picture.  The world would probably end.  

I have about a thousand others in my head... but, I'm stopping myself at 7... because, let's face it, this post would get longer than anyone would ever read.  Frankly, I'm surprised you stuck around long enough to read this.  And, I bet Chad Kroeger was a real let down as a finale, and now you're wondering why you just wasted 10 minutes of your life that you will never get back.

Sorry.  Chad's sorry, too.  For everything.  Everything.