Technologically Impaired.

So, I got an iPad from my boss for Christmas.  Don't get all jealous thinking about how awesome the present from my boss was compared to the present from your boss.  I'm sure you are enjoying your new paperweight immensely.  He got all of the attorneys iPads to use for "work," so it's not like I got a special gift or anything... it's a "work" gadget.  We did also get gift cards.  I got Old Navy and Sports Authority.  Score!  Seriously, though, I may have been more excited about my new gym shorts than about the iPad... which had everything nothing to do with the fact that I had no idea how to use an iPad.

At first, I was all excited for my iPad, thinking what an awesome gift it was.  I am mesmerized by anything with a touchscreen.  I had to replace my normal Nook with one with a touchscreen once it came out.  I didn't even care that it had less features than my normal Nook.  And, when my iPod got stolen last Christmas, I was happy to replace it with an iPod touch.  Incidentally, this also made me feel like I had an iPhone and was much more hip and technologically advanced than I really was.  FYI:  iPhone and iPod Touch = not the same thing.

Once I got over my initial excitement at the touchscreeny goodness, reality set in.  What was I going to do with an iPad?  I remember the phone salesman tried to sell me an iPhone, but I could not for the life of me figure out what you do with a phone besides call or text people... or sometimes check your email.  Phone = communication.  The idea of "apps" was completely foreign to me.  I have an irrational fear of new things, and learning about apps was something that seemed traumatizing to me.  No thanks.  Thus, why I never purchased the iPhone or any kind of tablet.  What would I do with it?  Well, now I was confronted with that frightening proposition.

First, I synced up my Outlook email and calendar.

Then, I got some games to play in the airport since I was going on a trip.

I looked for "productive" apps that might be useful for work.  I read all of these marvelous reviews about how people didn't know how they ever lived without said app, or how useful said app was.  So, I got the "best" productive/organizational apps I could find.  I still haven't figured out what people are using these apps for that is so great... but I keep combing through reviews looking for ideas.  Seriously, I don't know what to use technology for.  A notetaking program - sounds great!  Wait, when do I take notes?  A task organizer program - awesome!  Wait, I don't even own a day planner.  Isn't that what my Outlook calendar is for?

I tried really hard to find uses for these programs.  Part of getting the iPad was to find uses to make my job easier somehow.  I tried making a task list.  I tried using the note program.  I even got a dictation program that makes me feel like a total tool when I'm using it.  I still have no idea what people use iPads for... other than to play games and surf the internet.  What are all these apps for?!!?

TEMPLE RUN.  Now, that's what I call an app!  Who doesn't like this game?
It provides endless entertainment.  Unlike PDF annotation apps.

Maybe I'm not sufficiently immersed in technology to "get it".  I still don't know how to utilize Twitter.  What are hashtags for anyway?  It seems like people just randomly assign hashtags to things.  "My stomach hurts. #toomuchpizza #Dominos #antacidoverdose #mydogfarted."  "I am a bit tired.  #massiveunderstatement #worksucks #totallymonday #vino."  "Did you see that youtube video?  #fail #hotgirls #hanggliding #toenailsaregross."  I understand that there are certain trending topics that you can assign hashtags to... but otherwise, when you create your own hashtags, what is the point?  Is it just a clever way to reference things?  Is there a massive hashtag collective of some kind that you are contributing to?  Is someone really looking up "toomuchpizza", hoping to find your post?  Is there even more than one post with #toomuchpizza?  And, I don't understand re-tweeting or tweeting @ people.  I see something that says "@person RT @person2: RT @person 3: @person 4 hey that's cool. #cool #sandwiches #videos #salmon #obama #alaska #goldmine #hashtagoverload"  ?!?!?!?  This is what I see:

Ok, I know I'm supposed to be a part of the hi-tech generation and all, but I still kind of feel like iPads and other such devices are only popular because they are gadgets.  They make you think you need something that you really don't need... then brainwash you into thinking you can now never be without it.  And, it needs to be faster.  More apps!  More data!  More clouds!  More hashtags!  #########!  Every time I see an app and think, "when would you ever use this?"... I know that someone is using it.  I can't tell if that's sad or funny.  I know that, somewhere, there are people for whom iPads are a lifesaver... they make their lives so much simpler, and they actually need the apps for some real purpose.  As for me, this is what I've discovered:  touchscreen games are more fun than normal games, I like watching videos on my iPad vs. my laptop, and my iPad allows me to draw pictures with a stylus that I can put on my blog.

Oh, and my iPad makes me look totally cool and people ask me about it like I know things.

If they only knew...